Why Is Sex With My Girlfriend Worse Now That We’re Officially Dating?

Q: I've been seeing a girl on and off for a few months. When we were just having casual sex it was awesome but ever since we became a couple I feel that the sex isn't the same anymore. Why is that? Could it be because we didn't see each other as often before so the sex seemed better?

A: It could be for thousands of reasons! It could be because one of you is dealing with a lot at work right now — stress is notoriously terrible for sex. It could be because of a new medication. It could be that her dog had a surgery and she has to give him eye drops four times a day, which means not a lot of sleep and because he’s doing poorly she’s letting him sleep in her bed — which is not all that sexy, let’s be honest.

But it also could just be that this relationship isn’t brand new anymore. Novelty does a lot of the heavy lifting for early hotness. And as much as you can — and should — continue to make a concerted effort in the bedroom to keep things good, you cannot perfectly recreate the rush of being into someone new. You can’t. I can’t either! No one can! It’s the bummer of bummers.

Freshness is absolutely and undeniably an aphrodisiac. It’s so much more arousing to wonder about what it would feel like to make out with someone, to long for it, than it is to turn off Columbo and head into the bedroom at 11:32 p.m. and ask, “Hey, do you wanna… maybe… tonight?” for the 24,294th time.

Even though seeing each other more often is delightful, it doesn’t mean every single aspect of your relationship will improve in a linear fashion. Sometimes, the closeness makes you notice the annoying way they chew. Other times, it affects how often you want to bone.

I do want to remind you that the “passion” we often attribute to the beginning of a relationship is often simply anxiety (there are reasons we associate a racing heart with both). Does he want to go on a second date? Should I suggest we go back to my place? Are they going to think I’m a desperate weirdo if I bring up being exclusive?

After you settle in a bit and get more comfortable — and both admit that you like each other and want to bang — your anxiety levels drop. And a lot of people read that as a loss of eroticism or a lack of “chemistry.” It’s not. It’s just that kindness isn’t as spicy as newness.

Unfortunately, your mad hot need to get into your partner’s pants right damn now at this Dave & Busters was always going to wane. That’s OK! That’s not because the sex is or will be bad. You are not doomed. You just actually have to do some work. The free trial is over and your card is being charged $7.99.

Familiarity can breed contempt if you let it, but it also can breed intimacy.

Sex after the early stages takes a little more time, a little more effort. But also, it very, very, often gets better. Almost all things benefit from practice and experience, and that includes getting your partner off.

In the beginning, you and your partner probably didn’t have to tailor very much to each other's individual and idiosyncratic desires. Basically, you guys could do just about anything together and get horned up; it’s exciting to learn the ins and outs of an unfamiliar body. It’s easy to try new things — everything’s new!

Now, you’re going to have to actually talk about what turns you on and gets you off. Suggest something new! Watch porn together, try a sex toy, give each other massages, jerk off next to each other, send each other photos. Stop thinking about arousal like turning on a car and think of it like turning on an oven — it might take time to heat up, and that can be hot, too. Flirt! Make out! Text each other horny things!

Familiarity can breed contempt if you let it, but it also can breed intimacy. Allow yourself to enjoy the mundane! It’s nice that you can have lazy or low-effort connection from time to time.

I am absolutely not advocating for bad sex or sex you don’t want to have. But it’s OK to have mediocre sex every once in a while with your partner. That isn’t some sign that your love is doomed and that the romance is gone. Not every single book you read is going to be your favorite, and not every time you have sex is going to be the best.

If you keep having sex and you keep talking about it and you introduce new things and try stuff that each of you are into, I virtually guarantee that you will continue to enjoy it, that the raw sexual desire you felt for your partner will return. It will also go away again from time to time. Sometimes you feel bad about your body or you have a family emergency or you simply aren’t as into sex at the moment.

The hot and sweet and wonderful part of being someone’s partner is that you wait out those times. You help carry the load when the other person can’t. You put in effort when they’re overwhelmed. You both do things to bring the good times back around. Sometimes “the work” in a relationship is simply being patient and trusting that everything is a phase, and, to quote Rilke, no feeling is final.

All that is intimacy, and ultimately, that makes for very hot sex.

Most of the time.

Sometimes there’s still sweatpants-level-effort sex.

In its own way, that’s hot too.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.