Don’t You Miss Talking To Your Friends About Sex?

Recently, a close friend told me she was trying to get pregnant… and I was surprised. I wasn’t taken aback by the fact that she’s ready to have kids — we’re 31, and babies are everywhere — but rather by her explicit mention of sex.

“The thing that’s kinda crazy,” she confessed, eyes darting between me and the ground, “is how much sex we’re having. Like, it’s constant.”

It was then that I realized I hadn’t talked about sex with friends this openly since we were in our mid-20s, before most of them were in long-term relationships. I found this sudden throwback refreshing. So I laughed and said, “Oh, my God, how so?”

It didn’t bother me that I’m friends with her husband, nor that we’d all be eating dinner together in an hour and she was giving me fresh images of her bending over their bed before work. I wanted her to know that I’m curious about this transitional moment in her life — and that it was OK she went there with me.

Our chat stayed with me long after that night. I don’t bring up my sex life among friends because there’s not much to discuss — it’s everything I want, it’s not structured around having a baby, and there are a million other interesting things on my mind — but plenty of others feel differently.

Sex has officially ghosted the 30-something group chat.

For Thirsty-Something, a deep dive into sex in your 30s, Bustle surveyed 274 women and found that while 42% still have R-rated discussions with their friends, 43% no longer do. Among that second group, there’s a desire to bring that closeness back, with 70% missing the source of connection.

And when I polled the readers and listeners of my advice column, Hello Hayes, the majority agreed that their steamier conversations had fallen by the wayside.

The consensus: Sex has officially ghosted the 30-something group chat. For many, the posthookup debrief was a staple of their college years and early 20s: No detail was too explicit, no recap too ridiculous. As people couple off into serious relationships, however, the vibe shifts from “Guess what happened last night?” into something more general — until, for some, it fades into oblivion.

“I’d tell my friends about some random hookup I had at the bar, but talking about handcuffs with my husband? Nah, that feels weird — don’t picture him like that!” says Sarah, 31.

That’s understandable. But as the subject drifts away, our friendships lose a certain kind of connection. It’s time to bring back sex talk, even if it looks a little different this time around.

From Sex Tapes To Holy Matrimony

While your personal lives once might have looked similar, stark differences emerge in your 30s: long-term relationships and flings, scheduled sex and solo parenting.

This became particularly clear to Jess*, 32, while she was updating her inner circle on the latest with her FWB. “One was talking about her wedding, the other about moving to the suburbs with her boyfriend, and I was like, ‘I made a sex tape last night! I was curious to see how much of him I could fit in my mouth, and the answer turned out to be all of him.’”

They’d all spilled juicy tidbits in the past, but that night, the contrast was undeniably extreme. “As soon as I said it, I was mortified,” Jess says.

That’s why some people limit their intimate conversations to those in the same boat. “I tend to talk about sex with friends who are also in serious relationships,” says Shayla, 35. “I don’t want to come off to my single friends like I’m bragging about my great sex life when they haven’t found someone. I don’t know for sure, but I think they prefer it this way.”

Indeed, some do. “It’s hard to hear about the sex your friend has with her partner when you’re fighting for your life in the dating pool,” says Kate, 30. Instead, she saves stories — bad sex with Hinge dates, good kissers she’s met at bars — for other singles.

Others wish that wall wasn’t up. “My married, straight friends usually don’t reciprocate when I talk about it, which makes me feel like I’m somehow immature or inappropriate for still wanting to,” says Alex, 32.

She notices that her queer friends, no matter their relationship status, are much more receptive, partially because they’ve “had to do so much work to shirk the shame we felt when we were younger about being queer,” Alex says.

The Fine Line Between Privacy & Secrecy

Understandably, many people in long-term partnerships want to keep their sex lives to themselves out of respect for their significant other. For instance, I don’t run topics by my husband before I divulge them with close friends, but we do discuss what I share about our relationship on the Internet.

While concerns about privacy are valid, you risk cutting yourself off from an important connection with friends — or, worse, accidentally shaming someone for having different boundaries, experiences, or preferences.

“I still talk with friends about sex, but my married friends keep their sex lives more private,” says Gloria, 30. “Some think that marriage means they’re ‘too mature’ to discuss explicit topics casually, and that really impacts the dynamic.”

Getting vulnerable can be scary, which is why Madison, 28, never told her friends that she and her ex struggled with differing libidos for four years. “I had a higher desire than he did, and I felt some shame,” she says. (The kicker: She’s a licensed sex therapist.)

Few people are immune from occasionally feeling awkward. But instead of taking spicy topics off the table, full stop, let the discussions evolve. Long live sex talk!

How To Dive In

Clamming up or making assumptions about your friends’ feelings tends to create distance. Instead, ask yourself why you’re avoiding the subject. Do you feel any jealousy or resentment? Are you unintentionally viewing your mom friend as sexless, or have you cast your single friend in the “Samantha” role?

Curiosity is key. For example, if you rarely ask your pal about the singles scene, you could say, “What’s dating been like lately? I’ve wanted to ask you for a while and hear about this part of your life, but I’ve felt awkward and wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable talking about it with me. I’m sorry if I made it seem like the topic is off the table.” Then listen to what they have to say.

Also, don’t shy away from getting explicit. Jade, 27, recently got closer to a new friend when they each shared their favorite porn categories. They wound up bonding over their mutual kink for religious iconography. She says, “Completely leaving sex out of conversations would feel like ignoring the elephant in the room.”

If that makes you blush, go broad. “I’ll talk about how oral is a regular part of our sex life, but I won’t describe the specific techniques my partner uses with their tongue,” says Gem, 36. “But now that I think about it… maybe that would be helpful knowledge for my friends!” (Yes, Gem. Maybe it would!)

That openness is worth it. “I still feel like I have close, intimate friendships that are also respectful,” says Ariel, 33, whose crew takes a similar approach.

Finally, take cues from this supportive pair: Molly*, 36, is single. Her best friend is engaged. “She’s heard every detail about my threesome and listened patiently to my stories about drunken hookups,” Molly says. “I love that she never judges me. She absolutely passes the girl’s girl vibe check.”

Bustle surveyed 274 women and found that while 42% still have R-rated discussions with their friends, 43% no longer do.

Per my Six Besties Theory, not every person is gonna be a “let’s talk about sex” friend, or even a “let’s talk about relationships” friend, and that’s OK. Office drama will probably take center stage with your work wife, and your OG bestie will want to hear about your family.

Still, even if your own bedroom is off-limits, you can join raunchier conversations. “I have said things about celeb crushes — *cough* Travis Kelce — that I cannot in good conscience type here,” says Taylor, 31 (no, not that one). Instead, those thoughts are safe with her group chat.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

Alexandra Hayes Robinson is the writer of Hello Hayes, an advice column about navigating sticky conversations with partners, friends, family, and more. She also hosts a podcast of the same name.