Porn Is Ruining My Relationship

We’re always hearing we could be having better sex, better orgasms, or better relationships. But how often do we hear nitty-gritty details of how to understand our deepest desires, or solve our most embarrassing bedroom debacles? Bustle has enlisted sex therapist Vanessa Marin to help us out. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all identities will remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: what to do if you’re upset by your partner's porn habits.

Q: “My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. Last year, I found porn websites in his search history and bookmarks. I am uncomfortable with all porn, for personal reasons, and he knew that. I felt betrayed, hurt, and cheated on, like he wanted the women in the videos more than he wanted me. I explained all of this to him, and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Since then, I’ve found porn on his computer on several more occasions. Each time, he claimed he didn’t know how it got there. We got into huge arguments, ending when he finally admitted what I had suspected to be true.

He never initiates sex, and lately he doesn't seem to notice if I'm naked or trying to turn him on. Once we went two months without sex because he wouldn't touch me — even though I tried initiating. And if he finally does agree to have sex, he can't get up all the way or seem to get off. He says it isn't me, but I'm sure it is.

He also says he isn't watching porn anymore, but I think he’s just finally deleting his history. I feel disgusting, and like I am constantly a second choice, cheated on with girls who aren't even real. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I be upset that my boyfriend watches porn? Do you have any advice?”

A: Porn can be a tricky topic to talk about because it brings up strong emotions. Plenty of people think porn is not only evil, but the cause of all romantic and sexual problems. Some think porn is entirely blameless. Others are working to make a porn industry (and porn) that is anti-racist, anti-misogynist, and can actually improve intimacy and bring couples together. But since you emailed me, you’re going to get my opinion. Here are seven things to know if you’re uncomfortable with your partner’s porn usage.

There’s Nothing Inherently Wrong With Porn

I know that sentence is going to trigger strong feelings, so hear me out. Yes, there are things wrong with how the porn industry functions, from the types of porn that are made to the ways people watch it. But porn itself isn’t inherently bad. There’s nothing wrong with the simple act of watching two people have sex on film. Porn can be beautiful, arousing, erotic, and intimate.

Porn Is Not Always Exploitative

Some people have strong reactions to finding out a partner is watching porn because they believe all porn is made under exploitative conditions. If part of the problem is that you're concerned about the wellbeing of the people involved in the films your boyfriend watches, there’s a fairly new, but rapidly expanding, subgenre of porn, which is broadly referred to as “ethical porn” or feminist porn. Ethical porn emphasizes fairness, consent, safety, and diversity. Producers and actors create films that show a more nuanced and realistic depiction of sex — sometimes even filming real-life couples. If you’re concerned about the circumstances in which porn is made, check out Erika Lust as a great example of porn that prioritizes morals.

Don’t Take Porn Personally

It sounds like you’re taking your boyfriend’s porn usage pretty personally. You’re worried he watches porn because he’s more attracted to the actors than he is to you. It’s complicated because he’s also been turning you down for sex — I’ll get to that in a bit — but I want to assure you: The simple act of watching porn doesn’t imply anything about the viewer’s feelings about their relationship or partner. People don’t watch porn because they’re not attracted to their partners.

We’re All Entitled To Our Own Boundaries

It’s perfectly OK to have strong feelings about porn. But ultimately, everyone has the right to set their own boundaries. You can ask your boyfriend to stop watching porn, with the operative word being “ask.” You can’t demand that he stop watching it. He has the right to set his own boundaries.

That leaves him with three choices: He can agree not to watch it, he can try to compromise with you, or he can continue his behavior.

You mentioned in your email that you have specific reasons why you’re not OK with your boyfriend watching porn, but didn’t specify those reasons. I can think of a few situations that would make your request reasonable, like if you’ve battled your own porn addiction, been the victim of revenge porn, or been manipulated into creating porn.

You Can Compromise

I mentioned compromise in the previous section. Lots of people view porn as a black-and-white issue. But, like in most cases, the truth lives in the subtleties. You can ask your boyfriend to only watch ethical porn, you can ask him to only watch when he’s alone (i.e., when you’re not around), or you can set guidelines that he can’t turn down your sexual initiations in order to go watch porn. (I actually recommend the latter to couples I work with in my sex therapy practice. I think it’s important to prioritize our human partners over actors on a screen.)

Don’t Blame All Of Your Problems On Porn

It sounds like you’re dealing with two different relationship issues: your disagreements on porn, and frustrations about your sex life. You’re disappointed by the lack of frequency, by him turning down your initiations, and by his erectile and orgasmic difficulties. There may be some overlap between these issues and his porn usage, but I would encourage you to address the issues separately. I’ve addressed a few of these topics in other Bustle posts: on seduction tips, a slow sex life, why men can’t always orgasm, and how to deal with erection problems.

You Have To Advocate For Your Boundaries — Even If It Means Ending Things

It sounds like your boyfriend initially agreed to stop watching porn, but continued doing it anyway. It’s a huge bummer he wasn’t more straightforward with you. I’m sorry. But at this point, it seems pretty clear he’s not going to stop watching porn, and you’re worried about honesty in your relationship now. It’s a natural, understandable response. Ultimately, you can state that not watching porn is a hard, deal-breaker boundary for you. If it's impossible for you to remain in a relationship where he watches porn, you can decide to walk away.