I Want To Have Super Hot Sex, But... How?

Q: I’m 37 and just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 13 years. Our sex life was incredibly boring, and I’m not really sure either of us knew much beyond a few basic positions. And prior to that relationship, I hadn’t had much experience. Now that I’m single, I’m worried I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m looking to just be single for a while and hopefully have some fun, casual sex. But I think my confidence level is going to get in the way of me actually enjoying it. I’m also just not sure where to start! My questions are: Are dating apps the best way to do this? So far they seem pretty creepy. And what the hell should I be doing in the bedroom to spice things up a bit and help me feel confident?

A: I love this question! I love when people are actively trying to have better sex! But — and I want to make a very careful distinction here — when I say “better sex,” I mean sex that is better for them. More pleasurable. That is the metric on which the sex you have should be graded. I think it’s incredibly easy when you’re starting to experiment to overvalue novelty and forget to ask the real questions: Does this turn me on? Is this hot to me?

There is a lot of stuff out there that is filthy hot to read and watch and hear about that I don’t think I’d actually want to do, either because of the effort it would take, or I’d feel awkward, or because I have a hard time taking things seriously. A very mild example of this is that in movies, ear kisses range anywhere from sweet to hot, but in my real life… I hate them. I’m saying all this not to discourage you from experimenting with kinkier or more elaborate sex, but to remind you that you don’t have to like (or even try) everything to prove a point about how far you’ve come.

A whole lot of what makes sex hot is chemistry and desire, not putting your leg behind your head or being tossed in the air like pizza dough. Eroticism comes from being present in the moment, from having sex simply because of how much you want one another.

You say you don’t know much beyond a few basic positions. I firmly believe that doesn’t matter. Certain magazines made us think there were hundreds of spicy configurations we should be climbing into, but actually, there are like five positions and then a few variations on each. God bless anyone who’s doing a wheelbarrow, but I really think a lot of the hottest sex can be in “boring” ways. People have been banging for millennia. There’s a reason the classics are classics!

However, you’re on the precipice of discovering new horny things, which is so, so, so exciting. That’s the good stuff. I’m thrilled for you! My suggestion is that you start watching or listening to more porn, reading more erotica, or checking out some (steamy) romance novels from the library (I recommend authors Joanna Shupe, Talia Hibbert, and Cat Sebastian). Let yourself wander a bit. Click on something new and titillating. Listen to your body. Does something unfurl a peel of desire? Read more about it. Watch more of it. Find Tumblr porn gifs of it. What do you think makes it hot? Toys? Is there a power dynamic? Is there a risk of being caught — even if it’s kind of fake? Approach this all with curiosity and openness. I virtually guarantee you will find surprising new things that make you hot and bothered. Ultimately, the answers lie within. I have no idea what’s going to turn you on but I promise you’ll find it!

You do not need to be a seductress or the most self-assured person in the room.

The more erotica you read in particular (as opposed to watching), the better your language will get around what you’re into and what you want. Then, when it comes time to actually communicate what you want to a partner, acknowledge that it might feel a bit awkward at first. I’m talking mild discomfort here — butterflies — not feeling distressed or unsafe. Do not push through fear, just excited nerves. What is on the other side (hot, new sex stuff) is so worth it.

You don’t have to ask for anything outrageous (unless you want to!). If you’re on sexting terms with someone, expressing yourself through a screen might feel less scary. You also don’t have to be subtle or poetic about it: “Hey, I’ve always wanted to have shower sex, join me?” or “Will you eat me out tonight?” are perfectly wonderful ways to ask for what you want. Not all communication around sex has to be witty banter or exquisitely crafted dirty talk. Smashing two (or more) bodies together to desperately rub bits is ultimately funny. You can point out when something’s awkward. You can make jokes. You can laugh together. That’s when sex is really good!

As for dating apps: sure! They’re a pretty great way to find people with similar dating goals. Mainstream ones (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.) can work, and if you’re looking to explore kink and fetish, you might try Feeld, Fetlife, Kinkoo, or Whiplr. You can put what you’re looking for in your bio, and if you want to meet up with someone, feel free to use this timeless line: “What are you up to tonight?” Be safe, share your location with friends, and have fun.

Casual sex is really a gift. It lets you experience someone else’s body and intimacy on terms that don’t require massive emotional investments. (Obviously, basic decency and kindness are non-negotiables.) That said, it doesn’t work for everyone. Some people wind up feeling kind of empty or lonely afterward because of the lack of romantic connection. If you find yourself feeling that way, take a break and consider what would work best for you.

Please do all you can to enjoy yourself by lowering your expectations for yourself. You do not need to be a seductress or the most self-assured person in the room. Honest vulnerability is a turn-on. I kind of loathe the number of magazines of yore that told us that confidence was the sexiest trait a person could possess while also reminding all of us of all the things we needed to do/buy/pretend to like in order to be more attractive.

You do not need to feel like the hottest person on Earth who knows the most about sex. You just need to feel like, “I’m happy to be here. I’m going to have a nice time.” Because that is the goal of sex. It’s meant to be spicy, yes, but also fun. Experience is great, but don’t forget to chase pleasure, too.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.