Relationships
Plus, five questions to ask yourself before you hit send.
Even if your last breakup is far behind you, there may be times when you find yourself wondering how to get back together with your ex. Plus, rekindling the romance with a former flame seems to be a hot topic at the present — just take Bennifer, for an example. The recently-reunited couple has become the blueprint for folks to give their exes another shot. While there are a lot of major factors that should be considered when you’re thinking about getting back together with an ex, even some experts admit that entertaining the thought is understandable.
“With Ben and Jen making headlines about their triumphant love journey back to one another, I’m sure that sparks some thoughts in the pondering minds of people who want to revisit an old connection or take another stab at a past relationship, professional matchmaker, dating coach and lifestyle advisor Anika Walker tells Bustle. Despite this, however, Walker urges caution before making this decision. “There’s this saying, ‘An ex is an ex for a reason,’” Walker says.
Regardless of that reason, it’s easy to look back on a relationship with rose-colored glasses when you’re far removed from the events that transpired, so be sure to examine the situation truthfully. “While I normally would advise against circling back around to an old relationship … I have seen people get back with exes and make it work,” says Walker.
Before reaching out to your former partner, Walker suggests asking yourself some of the following questions: why do you want to get back together? Why did you break up? Are you only reaching out because you’re lonely? Did you take an honest mental visit back to the relationship to see what really went wrong in the first place? And, most importantly, do you miss the person or do you miss the memories and familiarity? Once you feel sure about your intentions, here are some examples of texts to send your ex if you want them back.
“I miss you. Can we talk?”
Sometimes, being honest and direct can open the kind of dialogue you’re looking to have with your ex. “This is straight to the point of clearly showing how you feel. You’re showing a direct call to action that way,” Rashaun says. “If they are not responsive or just not responding that they miss you as well, you can use this as closure to clearly see where the other person is at.”
“You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. How have you been?”
Vulnerability often goes a long way. Try being transparent about the fact that you’ve been thinking about them and/or the breakup recently, and see if that sparks something in them. You never know, there may be a chance that you’ve been on their mind, too.
*Funny meme or inside joke* “Looking at this made me think of you, I’d love to catch up.”
Recommended by Walker, this is a low-stakes option that will usually end in, at least, some polite form of acknowledgment. Sharing something you know will make them laugh is a great way to remind your ex of the fun parts of your past connection, and maybe your shared sense of humor will move them to action.
“I saw your promotion update on LinkedIn yesterday. Congrats! You really deserve it, and I’d love to grab a drink with you to celebrate if you’re open to it.”
Taking advantage of an exciting occasion in their life might leave you with an opportunity to reconnect and share what you’re feeling about them and the breakup. If they agree to meet up, stay open and intentional about celebrating them for whatever is going on in their life — and let the rest happen naturally.
“Ran into your mom at the grocery store earlier. We had a really nice conversation, and it reminded me how much I appreciated feeling welcome in your family. Do you think we could grab dinner soon?”
If you and your former partner are really family-oriented, acknowledging how much that presence in your life meant to you is a valid reason to reach back out. Even if they don’t share your interest in getting back together, it’s still a meaningful way to reopen communication.
“Hey, I know we said we wouldn't talk but I just drove past the spot where we _. Just thinking of you… if you ever want to meet up, I’m open to it. Hope you’re well.”
For breakups that were on the more difficult or devastating side, or those that are still new and sensitive, lead with caution. Be honest that it’s been weighing on you, but remember not to push. Walker recommends trying this type of message, but also cautions, “When reaching out to an ex, be prepared to not get the response you want, or a response at all.”
“How’s Lucy doing? Charlie sure misses her. If you’re ever open to a dog park visit with us, we’d love to see you both.”
Sharing a role as pet parents can be extra hard during a breakup, whether you split custody or cut things off altogether. Leaving an open offer on the table to connect again over something that is important to both of you, like your pups, might be effective.
“Do you ever wonder how things could have ended differently between us?”
As long as you’re fully prepared to not receive an answer, or like Walker says, receive a less than favorable one, opening up the floor for your ex to share their perspective is an option to consider. Depending on the circumstances in which you broke up, they might have just as many unresolved thoughts and feelings as you.
“Please don’t feel pressured to respond to this, but I just wanted to say that I will always love and care about you. I hope you know that.”
Unless the relationship or breakup was toxic and/or abusive, it’s natural to feel like you’ll always care for your partner as a person. They may not want to engage with a message like this, and that’s something you’ll need to prepare for, but affirming them in that way could open a conversation if the feelings of respect and love are shared.
“Honestly, I have a lot of regrets about the way things ended with you. Would you be open to working through some of those with me?”
Whether you made the first move toward a breakup, or you were on the receiving end of the heartbreak, having regrets and unresolved feelings is common and valid. Asking your partner to rehash some of those, especially if the breakup was fresher, could lead to some necessary healing — or mutual honesty about wanting to get back together.
Not 100% sure if you’re ready to reach out to your ex? While tempting, it may not always be the wisest option after a breakup. Unless you are completely sure that getting back together is what you truly want, Walker advises taking at least 24 hours to sit with your thoughts before calling or sending any messages. “Regardless of what you text your ex when trying to get back together, the most important thing to remember is: Be honest with yourself, your intentions, and your emotions,” Walker says.
Expert:
Anika Walker, professional matchmaker, dating coach and lifestyle advisor
