Thirty, Flirty, & F*cking

Sure, sex in your 20s was fun, but it was on navy sheets. With a guy whose name might have been… Josh? The bar was too loud for you to really tell. You spent half the encounter wishing he would use Google Maps to find your clitoris.

But time is a gift. If your 20s are for exploring what you like, your 30s bring the confidence to spell it out in titillating detail. Maybe you’ve said “I do” to a lifetime of great orgasms. Maybe you’re reveling in the freedom and possibility that come with singlehood. Either way, you’re older, wiser, hotter.

“I thought I’d turn 30 and suddenly start feeling less sexy, but honestly it’s been the opposite,” says Hillary, 33. “I feel more confident, and that makes sex more fun.”

It isn’t all sunshine and vibrators, though. Life gets more stressful. Your career heats up. Chasing toddlers is exhausting. And dry spells are a thing — either because it’s slim pickings out there, or because sleeping with the same person for a decade can get boring.

Of course, what happens behind closed doors depends on who you’re with. “My husband is a literal dream in the bedroom and knows me better than I know myself,” says Michelle, 35. Meanwhile, 39-year-old Emily says, “I absolutely love my husband, but my sex partner before him was way better.”

There are ups and downs, ins and outs. As Sex and the City tells it, this is your decade for sex swings, golden showers, and flings with men who say stuff like, “I want a bourbon and I want to go down on you. Not necessarily in that order.”

But that’s the made-for-TV version. What’s really going on between the sheets?

We Asked...

Here at Bustle, we’re curious (a polite word for nosy). We asked 274 women and nonbinary people ages 30-39 about their sex lives, and they held nothing back.

Nearly two-thirds (63%) say sex is better now than in their 20s, and 80% chalk that up to being more comfortable talking about their desires and boundaries. “Good communication and being in your 20s is an unlikely combo, in my experience!” says Claire, 32.

Among all the demos surveyed, three groups are extra happy: partnered people (63%), parents (64%), and ethically non-monogamous people (65%). Singles, on the other hand, were most likely to crave more excitement (57%).

Below, you’ll find plenty more dirty details about their fantasies, masturbation habits, and more. Have fun, you freaks.

Who’s Talking Dirty?

Most survey participants are partnered (78%), including 43% who have tied the knot.

Singles and LGBTQ+ people each represent 22%.

Seven percent are ethically non-monogamous, polyamorous, or open.

What’s The Vibe?

While 63% are having hotter hookups than they did in their 20s, a slightly smaller group (58%) report being happy in bed. Claire, 32, puts the mixed bag like this: “Even though sex is objectively better in my 30s, I would say sex is definitely less exciting because it becomes more normal and less risqué.”

Relationship Status

“Sex is 10 times better when you’re in love,” says Elizabeth, 30. Her sentiment is common (though the math, technically, says that people in relationships are just twice as likely to have fun in bed).

However, couples can slip into autopilot. “It can be easy to fall into a routine and do ‘comfort sex’ — which can be lovely! But every now and again, it requires some effort to make it feel spicy,” says Kat, 32.

Singlehood has its thrills and drawbacks, too. “I still get to have that wild, passionate, ‘we just met and I’m obsessed with you’ kind of sex,” says Janelle, 38. “But I don’t have it that frequently.”

Sexuality

Sexuality doesn’t make much of a difference in terms of satisfaction, but it adds more layers to the equation.

“Twenty-five-year-old me could never have imagined that I’d be openly bisexual,” says Sarah, 30. “I feel so free.”

On the flip side, 30-year-old Laurel says, “As a bisexual woman married to a man, I mostly miss sleeping with women!”

Parenthood

Despite the widespread myth that kids kill people’s sex lives, 64% of parents report having hot bedrooms.

Non-Monogamy

Meanwhile, people who side-eye open relationships should take a seat. Ethically non-monogamous people are more likely to report erotic satisfaction than any other group (65%).

Why 30-Something Sex Is Hotter

Nearly two-thirds of participants (63%) are having more satisfying sex now than they were in their 20s.

One reason? They’re finally getting what they deserve. Sharon says her pleasure wasn’t prioritized often enough back then. Now 36, she says, “I’m treated like a goddess in bed.”

This is the era of not giving a f*ck — not afraid to speak up about what you really want (80%) and less bogged-down by insecurities (63%). It’s also a time to give, uh, many f*cks. One-third (34%) are getting it on more often.

“I f*cking love it,” says Shannon, 38. “If I’d had this confidence in my 20s, I would’ve been a menace.”

And while a few drinks might make you friskier, alcohol leads to blurrier hookups. One-third (34%) attribute their improved sex lives to cutting back on booze.

What Else Makes It So Good?

They’ve met the right person. “I had a very adventurous 20s, and all of it pales in comparison to the connection and intimacy of sex with my husband,” says Haley, 30.

They haven’t met the right person. “I won’t go into my next relationship with a bunch of ‘what ifs’ about things I never got to try,” says Meena, 37.

The pressure to perform is gone. “Sex is already so much better than any year in my 20s. I used to be self-conscious, acting like I enjoyed things more than I actually did,” says Molly, 30.

It’s low-stakes comfort. “It flows naturally, we don’t worry about how we look anymore, we know how it works, and we also know that sometimes you just end up laughing like crazy because someone fell off the bed,” says Lyndsay, 32.

Postpartum, they’ve found peace. “My body is squishier and different now, but I am so much more comfortable in it,” says Rhia, 33.

Beyond the haze of early parenthood, the pressure is off. “The objective is no longer to make a baby or just check it off the list. It’s so fun now,” says Meridith, 37.

It’s a reprieve from daily life. “I’m chronically ill, and sex is one of the few ways that I get to feel good in my body. It’s playful and fun in a way I don’t always experience when I’m juggling doctor appointments and medical responsibilities,” says Rachel, 31.

They’re having affairs. “My husband is a boring chap — thus, I have someone else who is in the same situation. We always have great sex,” says K., 39.

Why 30-Something Sex Is Harder (No, Not That Way)

When the responsibilities pile up, satisfaction tends to dip. “Stress is the ultimate libido killer,” says Belle, 31. Thirty-nine-year-old Jen puts it simply: “I’m too tired.”

Sounding Off On The Struggles

Their pleasure isn’t a priority. “Talking is a turn-on for me, but my husband doesn’t give me anything here. It makes me feel a bit stupid that after 12 years, I’m still having to ask for it,” says Lucy, 35.

It’s gotten dull. “The spark and thrill aren’t always there. We know what works, and we don’t generally deviate,” says Victoria, 30.

The grass is always greener. “As somebody who had a really active sex life in my 20s with multiple partners, I sometimes catch myself thinking, ‘Wow, I’m never going to have those first-time hookup butterflies again.’ I especially think about this when my single gal pals are telling me about their new flings. I wonder if my partner ever thinks about it,” says Dani, 33.

Trying to conceive adds pressure. “We are currently doing IVF, so scheduling around procedures and times where I’m not allowed any penetration can be stressful,” says Alyssa, 32.

Kids can be draining. “Being a working mom is exhausting, and I want to sleep rather than have sex most nights. It can be so much effort to get in the mood after the baby goes to bed when I just want a moment to myself,” says Jill, 30.

It’s bleak out there. “It’s so hard to find partners in your 30s because most are either married or f*ckboys. Casual sex no longer feels fun,” says Mary, 33.

Non-monogamy isn’t necessarily a golden ticket. “My primary partner and I are not always sexually compatible,” says Lisa, 34.

Timing is tough. “I’m horny when we can’t do it and tired when we can,” says Laura, 37.

It’s just not happening. “I thought I would’ve lost my virginity by now,” says Elise, 30.

Fantasies, Vibrators, & Sexts, Oh My

While 42% of respondents want to get down once or twice a week, only 28% hit that goal. The most common frequency (34%) is a few times a month.

“Sometimes it feels like another thing to try squeezing into busy schedules,” says Kate, 39 — though when it happens, she says it’s “much more interesting and less stressful” than it was a decade ago.

Six percent have abstained. “I have been basically celibate since I was 29 because I haven’t met anyone worth sleeping with,” says Hanna, 35.

And although nobody we spoke to is hitting the sack daily, that’s the ideal rate for a few horndogs out there (3%).

How Often Did It Happen Last Year?

• Daily: 0%
• Five or six times a week: 4%
• Three or four times a week: 12%
• Once or twice a week: 28%
• A few times a month: 34%
• A few times a year: 15%
• Not once: 0%

How Often They Actually Want It

• Daily: 3%
• Five or six times a week: 7%
• Three or four times a week: 33%
• Once or twice a week: 42%
• A few times a month: 12%
• A few times a year: 2%
• Never: <1%

Does Their Libido Match Their Partner’s?

• 43% say yes
• 30% say they want it less often
• 27% say they want it more often

Sexual Bucket Lists

Age often brings the courage to chase erotic adventures. “I trust myself to explore new desires without being self-conscious and trust my partner when he says it’s hot,” says Emily, 36. Her fantasies are inspired by romance novels, and he’s happy to bring them to life.

While 28% have tried everything they’re interested in, here’s what the others are craving:

• Sex toys in bed: 33%
• Roleplay: 23%
• Threesomes: 22%
• Exploring sexuality: 21%
• BDSM: 20%
• Sex parties: 13%

As for other desires? Respondents are dreaming about tantric sex, pegging, making sex tapes, and even having affairs. Many want to move beyond the bedroom. “I want to get f*cked in the kitchen,” says Ash, 30.

Masturbation

About three-quarters (76%) seek buzzy pleasure from sex toys, and 40% look to steamy books to get hot. Thirty-one-year-old L. noted one particular turn-on: “the duke from Bridgerton.”

Here’s how they get in the mood:

• Sex toys: 76%
• Smutty romance novels: 40%
• Mainstream porn: 36%
• Mutual masturbation: 32%
• Sexting: 25%
• Audio erotica: 14%
• Nothing: 12%
• Homemade porn: 9%
• Indie porn: 8%

Opening Up To Friends

While 42% of people still swap spicy stories, roughly the same number (43%) have dropped the habit. Of that group, about two-thirds are relieved, but the others wish their brunches were juicier.

• 42% still talk about sex
• 30% are glad they don’t anymore
• 13% don’t anymore and miss it
• 10% never
• 5% only talk about trying to conceive

Are They Looking Forward To Sex In Their 40s?

Drumroll, please. The future looks bright! Or, to be more specific, red hot.

• Yes: 81%
• No: 19%