I’ve Never Had An Orgasm. When Should I Tell People?

Content Warning: This story contains a reference to sexual assault.

Q: I’m a 26-year-old bisexual cis woman, I have been sexually active for about 10 years now, and I have never had an orgasm, despite my (and a few others’) best efforts. I know this could be due to myriad reasons, including but not limited to a previous assault and taking [selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)] since my late teens.

I’ve been single for 3.5 years, and I’m looking to get into a relationship at some point, but I’m not opposed to a fling or two while I’m dating around. I am actively working with a doctor and my therapist to see if I can eventually achieve orgasm, but my question is: At what point should I be telling partners that as of now, I can’t orgasm? Should I be telling them at all? Am I setting myself up for failure if I tell them, or setting them up for disappointment and confusion if I don’t?

A: I don’t think anyone is required to know that you haven’t had an orgasm before. If a horny situation arises and you don’t disclose this information, that’s fine! You’re also allowed to — welcome to, even — fudge the truth for your own personal benefit.

You can say something like, “I’m probably not going to come tonight, but I’m having a great time!” or “I’m on medication that makes it hard for me to orgasm, but I’d still love for you to do X.” Having sex with someone doesn’t require you to unfurl a scroll and rattle off all the information and history you have ever gathered about your body.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s fine to fake orgasms if that is something that makes you feel more comfortable or makes the experience more simple. Sometimes orgasm sounds are easier to share with someone than a long paragraph about what your body can and can’t do tonight.

That said, there are probably going to be times where it is more helpful for you (OK, and maybe your partner, too) for you to let them know that you’ve never come before and likely won’t tonight. You might consider having this conversation when you start having regular sex with one partner — this isn’t a warning against telling any one-night stands or casual hookups; I just think it might be a waste of your time and energy.

A lot of other people find it difficult or impossible to orgasm. It’s not uncommon, and I would bet a lot of your partners will have either dealt with it themselves or have had a partner who has. Almost everyone has had experience with their bodies not cooperating with them on some level in bed — and for all kinds of reasons: alcohol, erectile dysfunction, medication, stress, injury, surgery, it being a Tuesday in May.

You’re probably going to have to be a little better at communicating about sex than the average person.

I’m not saying that your experience is the same as everyone else’s; I’m reminding you that you aren’t some freakish outlier, and that most people should be very understanding.

The good news is that you have the power to set the tone of the conversation. I suggest that you give people information about how you’d like them to react in that moment, even if other conversations might come later.

For example, if you’re having sex with someone and you want to drop the information but you don’t want a whoooole discussion about it, you could say:

“Hey, I don’t need this to be a big thing, and I definitely don’t want you to treat it like a challenge — that would bum me out and turn me off — but I’ve actually never been able to come. So if I tell you that I’m good at the end of sex, that’s why! I’m really enjoying myself, so please don’t get in your head about it!”

If you say it’s NBD, it’s NBD! People usually mirror our tones.

If however, you decide you want a deeper talk with someone, you can do that too. And it might come after a more casual info drop like the one above:

“Hey, so you know how I haven’t been able to come? I’m actually working with my doctor about it because it’s important to me. A lot of people have made me feel bad in the past and I’ve felt insecure about it. But I really appreciate that you haven’t ever X’ed or Y’ed and I love that you always do Z.”

(Obviously please fill in how you actually feel.)

With that said, I do think that people use an orgasm as a guidepost during sex. It can be difficult for someone to know when to stop and what to do more of without one. You’re probably going to have to be a little better at communicating about sex than the average person.

You might want to give your partner an idea of what sex ideally looks like for you. It doesn’t have to be one long, official conversation or a PowerPoint presentation (more likely, it’ll happen through a bunch of smaller, intimate moments), but let them know what you like.

Not only are you going to have to talk about this before sex, but you’re probably going to have to acquire some key phrases to use during sex, things that signal to your partner that you’re finished having sex. Pick what feels right to you, but any version of “I’m good now!” or “That was really great!” should probably work.

Tell your partner beforehand that that’s what those phrases mean; hints often get lost. Hell, you two can agree that saying “pineapple upside down cake” signifies the grand finale.

Please take the fear of disappointing someone off your plate. If someone is disappointed, that is a weird and frankly cruel response to someone else’s body. It’s also unbelievably self-centered. The reason a partner wants you to orgasm should be because they want you to feel pleasure. If you’re having a good time, then fantastic!

You’re a full, hot, sexual being regardless — not deficient or a puzzle to be solved.

Not to be corny, but a good partner will be honored that you’re sharing this with them. They will want to support you, not help you “fix” this. The latter implies that there is something wrong with you or the sex you are having, and there isn’t! You want a partner who is down to try new things, explore, listen, and have fun regardless of if either of you are coming or not.

The benefit of disclosure is not about owing anyone information or making sure the other person is feeling secure in their sex prowess. It’s to help you not feel like your choice is to either fake an orgasm or feel anxious or guilty about the other person’s experience.

As I assume you already know, very good sex can be had without an orgasm. You’re a full, hot, sexual being regardless — not deficient or a puzzle to be solved. If you do decide to tell people, seek out and nurture relationships where those facts are understood.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.