5 Sneaky Signs That You’re Dealing With Narcissistic Gaslighting

Dealing with emotional abuse in a relationship can often cloud your judgment about what’s really happening. When you’re experiencing gaslighting from a narcissist, they are commonly able to chip away at your ability to discern what is real and what they’re wanting you to perceive for their own gain.

“We all have a gut intuition that tells us when something isn’t right,” Stanford says, pointing to that sense of being watched or the feeling when something’s... off. “But, unfortunately, when we have experienced trauma, especially attachment or relational trauma, we don’t trust that gut instinct anymore. As a result, we no longer have a compass for what is true or a lie for someone else’s benefit.”

In any case of domestic violence — including emotional abuse — it’s common for the abusive partner to make their victim dependent on them as a sole support system. As Stanford explains, “The narcissistic gaslighter vilifies people around you that you are close to and trust.” Whether they convince you that your friends and family are out to harm you, or they use control tactics to isolate you from those that you love by creating that dependence (like financial abuse), one major sign of narcissistic gaslighting is your partner attempting to keep you isolated within the relationship.

It’s natural — and ideal — to trust your partner and feel like you can rely on them to speak their truth and validate yours as well. With a narcissistic gaslighter, however, Stanford explains that you’re likely to begin “questioning your sense of self” because the narcissistic partner will use whatever tactics they can to make you feel “crazy,” as if you can’t trust your perception or instincts.

“In some other forms of abuse, it is blatant who and what is safe,” she tells Bustle. “However, when one is gaslit, they no longer trust themselves, and it takes away their ability to tune into their gut intuition to know what is safe or not.” When this happens, your ability to see their abusive or dangerous behavior is hindered because they will make you feel as though you’re completely off-base and not a reliable narrator in your own life.

Similar to the ways in which a partner who uses narcissistic gaslighting against you can keep you isolated from others in your life, they can also use trauma bonding to make you stay in the relationship. According to Stanford, one way this can manifest is your partner causing you to “[feel] as if there is something unique about your relationship that others wouldn’t understand.” This tactic can come in the form of you romanticizing abusive or hurtful behavior or hiding those behaviors from others because you think they might not “get it.”

Another example Stanford shares is “feeling embarrassed to tell others about incidents or situations that have occurred.” Even when you know that you are being emotionally abused, or that your partner’s behavior is not OK, sometimes it feels easier to hide that from the people around you rather than expose your partner in order to save yourself from humiliation or judgment for staying in the relationship.

According to Stanford, one common occurrence in cases of narcissistic gaslighting is your partner becoming so persuasive or even insistent on their version of reality that you start to rationalize the lies they tell you in order to make sense of it all. “It is very difficult to tell when we are being gaslit, especially when done by a seasoned and determined narcissist,” Stanford says. “Most likely, they are intelligent, charming, and extremely determined to get what they want.” If you are truly in love with a narcissistic partner and see them and their behavior with rose-colored glasses, your ability to suss out their deception and abuse is significantly hindered.