Q: There’s this guy that I’ve been dating for three years now and we were doing great. When we met, I was 5’7” and petite. He said I was his type. Most of my family is really tall and my doctor said that even after my 20s, I would most likely keep growing. Now, I’m 5’10” and pretty muscular. My boyfriend hates my physique. I have a feeling that it makes him insecure, but he denies it each time I ask him. He’s also 5’10” but pretty lean. I’ve been working out since we met, so he shouldn’t be surprised I’d end up this way.
I see him staring at other girls and I’m not sure how to approach him about it all. He asked for a break and that seems like he might want to end it. What should I do?
A: Celebrate!
You should treat yourself to something really, really nice and celebrate not having to date this guy anymore. This relationship, I’m sorry to say, is over — if not because of the break, then because he is staring at other women. In front of you!
(I am massively anti-break. They’re a crappy, cowardly way of ending things.)
If this was a movie, I’d suggest you call him and be like, “You know how you asked for a break? Don’t worry about us getting back together! It’s not happening! Enjoy your life, hope to never speak to you again!”
Of course, life is not a movie. You don’t have to be that harsh or flippant. But you do need to break up for good.
So end things and then grieve. Get sad, get mad, get weepy. Cry in bed and on the bus. And then, after a few months of Going Through It, start to build your life back up again. Flirt with someone at the gym! Join a dance class! Get really into making sourdough bread! And I’m serious — please do go out and celebrate no longer being with this man.
His opinions on your body, whatever they may be, do not matter. They’re simply not your business, as important as his opinion on my body or Zendaya’s. That is, irrelevant.
I do wish I knew a little bit more about what, if anything, he’s doing other than ogling others that is making you so certain that he “hates” your body. To be clear, that is enough on its own to call the relationship. I am not suggesting that you’re imagining things; I’m sure you’re good at reading his vibes.
However, I just want to caution you about assuming what people think, especially when you’re filling in the blanks with negative thoughts about yourself. You don’t really know the full, whole truth about what he thought about your body and you never will. You are guessing and speculating. Based on his behavior, this is not unreasonable, but it is your version of his thoughts.
One of the most important things you’re going to have to do — and keep doing, repeatedly, for as long as it takes — is work on not internalizing this. His opinions on your body, whatever they may be, do not matter. They’re simply not your business, as important as his opinion on my body or Zendaya’s. That is, irrelevant. None of us needs to care what some random man thinks about our body.
The body you have when you first start dating is not some kind of vow. It’s a body. Bodies change. That is maybe the hallmark of bodies! It’s why we’re not all little babies with 300 bones; instead we’re grown adults with 206 bones.
Now, perhaps there is a reader out there, someone with a good heart who is trying to give this man the B of the D. (A waste of time, but alas, we’ve all been there!) And they’re thinking, “Is it not human to prefer certain body types?” To them, I would gently say, “Uhhh, sure.”
And then I would explain that the body you have when you first start dating is not some kind of vow. It’s a body. Bodies change. That is maybe the hallmark of bodies! It’s why we’re not all little babies with 300 bones; instead we’re grown adults with 206 bones. We get new teeth! We get wrinkles! Our hips start to hurt! Our jaw clicks kind of weirdly! That is a body.
Beyond that, three years into a relationship, someone shouldn’t be just a body to you. They should be a feeling. Love come to life. A partner. Of course, there are people who are not attracted to the changes in their significant other’s physiques, and no, it’s not evil. It’s not wrong and it doesn’t make them bad, bad, bad. What counts is what they do with that truth.
If someone is not able to get over a physical change, and therefore completely unable to be attracted to their partner, then they need to walk away. And really, they need to do it before their partner gleans that the issue might be their appearance, because that is a cruel message to give someone: I don’t love you anymore because of your looks. It’s a yikes and there’s no important information there that a person can take into the next relationship other than misplaced insecurity based on an old lover’s bad opinion.
Basically, this guy gave you a box of dog poop, and you do not have to move it with you to your next apartment. I lovingly encourage you to leave it behind, or better yet, throw it out. You’re stunning. I know you’re stunning, loads of people know you’re stunning, and I hope you get to a place where you know it, too. I hope you get to a place where you know it so well that the next time you feel like a partner isn’t on his knees thanking an almighty being that he gets to be with you, you walk away easily.
It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.
