I’m Scared I Won’t Find Anyone Better Than My Boyfriend

Q: Should I break up with my long-distance boyfriend of one year? Every time I visit him by train, I feel like I’m wasting time. Our conversations are much duller than before due to lack of common topics. We also found out that we have very different sexual needs (he wants sex much more than I do). Honestly, I’m not physically attracted to him anymore. We will most probably end up in different countries after graduation and I can’t see sharing a future with him.

However, he’s a very sweet, thoughtful, and kind guy who treats me very well, and his company makes me happy. I feel like I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore because of all of these factors, but I’m hesitant to leave because I’m scared that I won’t find someone better. Could I remain good friends with him even if we break up?

A: I’m so sorry, but I must call out a lie when I see one. You looked me right in my eyes (metaphorically, across the internet) and said “his company makes me happy.” No, it very much does not!

Visiting him feels like a waste of time. Talking to him is boring. You’re not even attracted to him, and yet, you worry you won’t find any relationship better than this? That’s like finding a baked potato on the sidewalk and eating it in case nothing more appetizing comes along. What are we doing? Someone call the farm because this is silly goose stuff!

I think you are so used to telling yourself this easy little list in apple pie order — “he’s sweet, he’s thoughtful, he’s kind” — that you’re forgetting that those are not good reasons to stay in a relationship. They’re basic requirements! There are millions and millions of nice people I don’t date! Being with him solely because he’s nice is like buying a unicycle because it technically can get you to work.

Long-distance is only for people who have above average communication skills, who really love each other, and who have an end date in mind. I don’t know your visa situations, but after watching multiple friends endure the application process, I’d barely recommend it to people who do actually like each other.

Please Break Up With Him

So, to answer your questions in order: Yes, you must break up with him. It will suck really badly for three days, pretty badly for three weeks, and mildly bad for three months. Or at least, that’s a tidy lie you can tell yourself while you’re getting over him.

Secondly, no, you should not remain friends with him. Even if you take the attraction issues off the table, you don’t enjoy spending time with him. That does not sound like any connection I’d want. Plus, you two are very literally in different places. Putting in the effort of a long-distance friendship after not wanting to put in the effort of a long-distance relationship doesn’t just seem unlikely, it also seems a little cruel to ask of him.

It’s Better To Be Single Than Stuck

It’s pretty easy to be pessimistic about the state of dating, and I do not begrudge you your hesitation to enter into that world. But being alone is far, far better than long train rides to loneliness and discontent.

To be sure, some take to singlehood better than others. It can be isolating and maddening as often as it is thrilling and freeing. But building your life around a guy you don’t like, who probably won’t even end up in the same country as you, is not the answer.

You will find a better relationship, but first, ask yourself how you got to this point. You’re giving up precious time for something that is making you fairly miserable. Think about why it has been so hard to cut this off. Be curious, not judgmental, about yourself and your choices.

If you shy away from unpacking how you ended up spending a year with someone you don’t like all that much, you could easily find yourself in this situation again.

Do you dread the prospect of being single? Are you afraid of hurting his feelings? Are you dissatisfied with other areas of your life, and if so, do you often let them grow out of control like this? These are just some of the many questions I think you should grapple with. A therapist can help you with this.

In the future, I beg you to date with intention and discernment. You don’t owe anyone love. Romance isn’t a nicety like saying “good morning” to your barista or holding the door for someone. It’s an endeavor you enter from a place of deep enthusiasm, bordering on wild need.

I’m not saying every conversation with your partner is going to be fun, or that every day will feel like sitting in the sun being fed grapes by Paul Mescal, but at the very least, you must enjoy spending time together.

Life is invaluable and short. Do not waste it by going after people who bore you. Even if they are sweet. Even if they are thoughtful and kind. You both deserve more than that.

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