How To Keep A Conversation Going, According To Experts

As painful as it may be to admit, the majority of people spend a considerable amount of time mindlessly scrolling through social media, swiping on dating apps, or even playing mobile games. In other words: This generation loves their phones. In fact, a worldwide 2021 survey conducted by data.ai revealed that most people spend an average of 4.8 hours a day on their mobile devices — that’s one-third of the hours they spend awake, to put that into reference. Especially in this post-lockdown age, this extensive time spent on screens can be said to have put a bit of a damper on one’s social skills. Raise your hand if you’ve thought to yourself “How do I people?” at least once since 2020? Yep — which is why it helps to learn how to keep a conversation going.

Psychologist and creator of Mental Drive Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. says that the past few years have certainly created issues with people’s ability to relate to each other IRL. “We have had to adapt to a lack of conversation and as a result, our in-person conversation skills have on average been impacted,” he tells Bustle, pointing to the specific abilities to read emotions and body language as well as to stay focused for extended periods of time. “We’re rusty,” says Klapow. Sound familiar? Indeed.

Whether you’re on a date, in the office, or chatting with a friend, you may find yourself having a difficult time dealing with a lull or awkward silence. To help, here are some expert tips for how to keep a conversation going.

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions

One of the easiest ways to keep the convo going? Ask open-ended questions, says Klapow. If you’re noticing that the person you’re talking to isn’t giving you the same engagement or energy back, come up with a question that requires more than a yes or no answer. They may not be contributing because they’re nervous or don’t feel connected to the conversation, so try asking questions you know they’ll have an answer for. “You could ask them general questions about what they like, what their life is like, etc.,” Klapow suggests.

2. Ask Them To Elaborate

Another trick? Make the other person feel comfortable by encouraging them to contribute more. Klapow says it’s OK to probe a bit to get them to open up. Asking someone to elaborate on something they tell you is a surefire way to get a less chatty person to share more of their thoughts.

3. Talk About Topics That Interest Them

If a convo reaches a lull, think about the topics they seemed to be responding to more and go there, suggests Klapow. “Ask questions that allow the person to talk about what is most comfortable to them,” he tells Bustle. Or, if you’re friends on social media, try to remember something that stood out in one of their more recent posts — whether it’s a restaurant, a drink, or a cute outfit, bringing it up will be sure to engage them.

4. Ask About Their Likes & Dislikes

When all else fails or if you aren’t that close with the person you’re chatting with, straight up ask about things they like and dislike. Klapow notes this will get them to speak. Pro tip: “Try to balance the contributions with answers from you and questions from you to them,” he says.

5. Mirror The Person You’re Speaking With

One useful way to show someone that you’re present and interested is to be cognizant of your responses to what they share, licensed social work associate Lexi Alberts says. “To the extent that is appropriate and comfortable, mirror others’ language when they talk about themselves,” she tells Bustle. “That will help avoid putting words in the other person’s mouth, and may go a long way towards someone feeling seen and heard by you.” This could mean refraining from making assumptions about what they’re saying, and instead taking cues from them and responding with affirmation so they know you hear them.

6. Get Comfortable Being Authentic

For most people, close friends are a safe space when it comes to social interaction. “Depending on how close you are to them, there should be little defense mechanisms. Be human,” Klapow advises. “Point out the awkward moments, note how you are feeling having the conversations, and most importantly comment on — if it’s true — how great it is to just be with them.” Showing that you feel comfortable enough to acknowledge when things get awkward — even via a candid joke — will make your friend feel safe and comfortable as well, which can increase the trust in your bond.

No matter what setting your conversation is held in, Klapow encourages you to focus on being your most authentic self. Acknowledge that you’re human, that lulls or faux pas can happen, and that you’re intentional about connecting with the person you’re talking to. After all, human connection is back, baby.

Experts:

Joshua Klapow, Ph.D, psychologist and creator of Mental Drive

Lexi Alberts, licensed social work associate