Welcome To Kink 101. Class Is In Session.

Close your eyes, and picture this. It’s Tuesday night. Your partner reaches for you in bed. You know exactly what’s about to happen, right? You’ll make out for a bit, then clothes will come off. Hands here, tongues there, followed by five minutes of standard-issue missionary, cowgirl, or doggy. Collapse, sleep, and repeat.

It’s satisfying, but after approximately 500 times, it’s only natural to wonder “What else?”

Welcome to the world of kink. Think biting, bondage, and blindfolds. Hotwifing and hot wax. Breath play, knife play, and food play. Exhibitionism and voyeurism. Costumes and cock rings. Intrigued?

Taking off the shackles off your traditional sex life (... or putting them on) doesn’t need to be daunting. Far from it — it can be a fun, creative way to explore your dirtiest desires, including fantasies that haven’t even occurred to you yet. As a professional sex educator with a decade of helping pleasure-seekers, I encourage you to lean into your intuition and experiment. If something piques your interest, don’t hold back.

So how do you bridge the gap between thinking about kink and actually trying it? Below, eight tips for switching things up.

1. Don’t Worry About Labels

In the wonderful world of sexuality, labels can go a long way. Putting “kinkster,” “kink explorer,” or “kink-curious,” in your dating app bio, for example, can help you find like-minded folks. As you learn more about your turn-ons, you could use Dominant, submissive, Mommy, or littlegirl (plus many, many others).

But don’t put too much stock into these terms at Stage 1 — they can sometimes wind up feeling stifling or overly prescriptive. Someone who calls themself submissive, for example, may feel boxed in if they’re in the mood to take on a more Dominant role by straddling or edging their partner.

Labels also mean different things to different people. Thanks to #FreakTok, some Gen Zers might not blink at choking in the bedroom, while millennials are more likely to perceive the act as kinky.

2. Become A Student

You may have left lecture halls behind, but you can still hit the books, and there are plenty of sex-positive publications out there. (Like Bustle — hi, hello, how are you?)

Educational content can teach you about the variety of kinks, why they’re so damn hot, and how to explore them safely. Plus, it can normalize your interests, which can help release any shame that’s been holding you back — and not in a fun way. Some recommendations:

Books:

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

The New Bottoming Book or The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

Tongue Tied by Stella Harris

Podcasts:

Why Are People Into That? by Tina Horn

Savage Lovecast by Dan Savage

3. Initiate The Convo

It goes without saying, but talking to your partner(s) before whipping them midnookie is nonnegotiable. Introducing a new sexual activity smack-dab in the middle of sex can make a person feel pressured to try things they, in their heart of hearts, don’t want to try — either out of fear of what could happen if they say no or a desire to be seen as a “good” partner.

Instead, initiate the convo in a neutral setting, such as on a hike with the pup or at night on the couch. The compliment sandwich method — opening and closing with a compliment and introducing your kinky interests in the middle — works well because it decreases the likelihood that your partner will interpret your suggestions as a diss of your sex life. You might say:

“I love how safe I feel when you’re on top of me. I think I might enjoy exploring other ways to get that sensation with you, such as being praised or role-playing as a captive and detective. If you’re open to it, I’d want to try that with you.”

“The sounds you make when you let me tease your hole are really hot. It makes me think it would be really pleasurable for us to explore pegging, gaping, or double penetration. If that interests you, I’d love to be intimate with you that way.”

4. Get Detailed… Really Detailed

Now that you’ve broached the topic, it’s time to get specific about what you’re down — and not down — to try.

Yes-No-Maybe lists (like this or this) are helpful if you want to spice up your sex life but haven’t yet put your finger on how. These worksheets have plenty of suggestions, from age play to voyeurism. Each person should fill one out, indicating which kinks and acts interest them and which don’t. Then it’s time to discuss!

During this convo, the most important thing is to be honest about what you want, as well as where, how, and when you want it. If you plan to try impact play, for example, who’s giving? Who’s receiving? Are you using a hand, flog, whip, cane, or paddle? Which body parts are fair game? Which are off-limits?

You should also come up with a safety word that you can use to press pause and check in with each other. “Giraffe,” “blueberry,” and “red light” are common choices, but anything nonsexual in nature will work. You may want to avoid “no” and “stop,” since people might not really mean them when engaging in certain kinks. (Plus, in the heat of the moment, “Don’t! Stop!” can sound like “Don’t stop.” Big difference.)

If you’ll be utilizing breath play, ball gags, or oral sex, you should also come up with a nonverbal safety cue (e.g., two butt taps or a thigh pinch) to signal when you want to hit the brakes.

5. Find Like-Minded Folks

If you wanted to learn to throw clay, you’d enroll in a pottery class, and if you wanted to learn to free solo, you’d head to a climbing gym. This journey is no different.

Joining an online or in-person community of like-minded individuals can help you feel more equipped to explore your desires, as well as give you proof that there are many faces of kink. Apps can open doors: Feeld is for nonvanilla dating, while Plura and Lex both connect you with friends and sexually compatible partners and highlight events that might be up your alley.

You could also attend in-person demonstrations, workshops, or parties. If Google isn’t pointing you in the right direction, the staff at your local sex shop will be able to help you out.

6. Ease Into It

Whether you’re watching A24 flicks or porn, most on-screen depictions of kink give the impression that if it doesn’t involve beating, bodily fluids, or breath play, it doesn’t count — but that’s not true.

You can work up to those more adventurous acts slowly. Cranking up the kink-o-meter one tick at a time allows you to hone in on your desires in a way that changing multiple factors at once simply cannot. Plus, it will allow you time to develop the skills needed to communicate your needs, limitations, and boundaries with your partner(s).

If you’re intrigued by submission, orgasm denial, or power play, you might start by only adding a blindfold. Next time, combine it with under-the-bed restraints. Eventually, you might add an electro-stimulator or wand vibrator, derogatory dirty talk, or water sports.

Meanwhile, if you and your partner want to explore pegging, you could begin by having the receiver wear a butt plug during hand sex to adjust to the sensation of anal fullness. Next, the giver could explore wearing the dildo during a make-out session. Finally, you can graduate to pegging (with the help of lube, of course).

7. Don’t Skip After Care

Trying something new in bed can be vulnerable, so it’s essential to prioritize after care — that is, what you do immediately after sex. Ideally, it’s an intimate time when everyone can ask for what they need (physically, emotionally, and mentally) and tend to the wishes of their partner(s).

Depending on what you just experienced and how you’re feeling, you might request a shower of compliments, a glass of water, takeout in bed, an ice pack for soothing sore spots, or being held while watching a hilarious movie.

8. Reflect

A few days later, once the bite marks and bruises have faded and pleasure-induced endorphins have leveled out, carve out time to reflect and discuss how you felt about your kinky exploration.

If you’re partnered, share what felt good, what could have felt better, and what felt downright bad. If you didn’t like what you tried a lick, you’ll want to say that, too. Together, you can use this info to plot out other types of play to try in the future that can be more pleasurable.

If you’re single, journal on the experience and use your learnings to fine-tune your masturbation practice and dating-app profiles. You’re developing a stronger sense of what you’d like to do next time.

Even on a Tuesday.