Is It Stupid To Get Engaged After 9 Months?

Q: How soon is too soon to get engaged? I’m 28, my boyfriend is 29, and we met nine months ago. We’re really happy! We’ve met each other’s families, moved in together, and talked about big future life stuff (kids, money). We’ve had a big fight and gotten through it, so I know we can actually communicate. Recently, we talked about getting engaged, and I sent him some photos of rings I like. My friends haven’t said anything outright, but I feel like they’re judging me. I get that we’re moving fast, but why wait if I know this relationship is right?

A: When it comes to walking and Sephora sales, I like to move fast. Romantic relationships? You wouldn’t be wrong to describe me as “glacial.” My boyfriend and I have been together eight years; the ring on my left ring finger is from H&M circa 2015 and the underside is severely tarnished. I just want you to know my bias going in.

Not everyone is like this. One of my best friends believes speed is romantic and passionate. She’s said “I love you” weeks into a relationship. She doesn’t think it’s crazy to move in with someone after just a few months. Meanwhile, I’m holding onto the metaphorical “oh, sh*t” handle while she drives 92 miles per hour into a relationship with a guy whose mustache is doing all the heavy lifting for his personality.

Her relationships tend to implode around the year-and-a-half mark. Why? Because passion can carry you in the beginning, but it’s not as effective when you’re once again hearing about how the Spurs can build around Victor Wembanyama while you’re dealing with an ovarian cyst and you scream “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” because how does he not know that right now you just need a heating pad and a hug?

Currently, you’re in the limerence period — or infatuation stage — which lasts about 18 months to two years, depending on the couple. During this phase, you experience a rush of feel-good hormones, the most powerful of which is dopamine. Eventually, the infatuation calms down and you enter into a more robust phase of love, when oxytocin and vasopressin come in.

I’m not saying you’re with the wrong person, but there are very few good reasons to move that fast. If he will be there for you forever like you say, then he will be there in two years to get engaged.

Why does sooner equal better? Why not wait even one extra year?

Ask yourself sincerely why you need to escalate your relationship this quickly. Why does sooner equal better? Why not wait even one extra year? I think you need real answers here. Solid ones. Wanting to get married before a sibling or by whatever age you planned at 13 years old do not count in my (cynical, enemy-of-your-bliss) eyes.

If your reasoning comes down to feeling like everyone else is getting married, or that you have to hurry up and have kids, I would still urge you to slow down. Talk to your doctor about fertility if that’s a concern — although please bear in mind that a lot of studies on the subject are out of date and that many people have children in their late 30s and early 40s. If the siren song of an engagement ring or wedding dress is calling, go splurge on a little outfit or another piece of jewelry that you pick out together with your partner.

A long-term relationship is less like buying a house and much more like building a house by yourselves from the ground up. You don’t just get to go to an open house and see a breakfast nook you can imagine yourself eating overnight oats in. You have to buy and measure and cut the lumber together. And much like building a house, the foundation you build on matters a lot. Dating is that foundation.

Your relationship is strong now, and that’s wonderful, but that’s not enough. It has to work in 15 years when one of you has to move to Cape Girardeau, Missouri, for work or when your child has a life-threatening allergic reaction. It has to work in year 24 when you are so bored of the other person’s retold stories that you think you will scream.

The longer you date, the more time you have to see multiple versions of the other person, not just the Them that happened to exist when you two met. You’ll have more time to recognize the patterns in your relationship. (On some level, the fights you’re having now will be the same ones you have in 10 years.)

According to ample research, dating longer before marriage leads to longer marriages. A 2015 study found that “couples who dated for at least three years before their engagement were 39% less likely to get divorced.”

Your friends are not wrong to be concerned. If you want to make this choice — which is yours to make — that concern is going to come with the territory. If you are defensive about it, or if you use their possibly justified wariness about the speed of your love as a wedge between you, you will likely damage close friendships that mean a lot to you, friends who will be there presumably if things do ever go south with this guy.

Couples who dated for at least three years before their engagement were 39% less likely to get divorced.

I know you don’t want to feel judged, but sometimes the “judgment” that comes from the people who know us best is good to listen to. It’s not “hey, you’re a dipsh*t,” it’s “This seems like a choice that might lead to pain.”

With all of that said, you don’t have to do what anyone says. Even if that person is your best friend. Even if that person is me.

Honestly, as long as you don’t go Pete Davidson mode and get multiple tattoos, you’ll be fine. And even then, there’s always tattoo removal.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.