I'm Not Sure I've Ever Actually Had An Orgasm. How Can I Tell?

Q: I’m not too sure that I’ve ever had an orgasm. Whenever I talk to my friends, they always say that once you have one, you’ll never forget what it feels like. I used to have what I thought was great sex with my ex, but never this explosion that the girls often talk about. My guess is that I probably haven’t had an orgasm, but how can you really tell?

A: Take out your copy of Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., flip to Page 249, and then start reading. Don’t stop until you’ve finished the chapter about orgasms.

I’m joking a little bit, but not really. That book is phenomenal and can teach you so much about your body and sex. Nagoski explains concepts in such comforting and accessible ways while still teaching you loads about your body. I mean, I’m a sex writer and I learned a lot. It’s a book I come back to frequently.

Before I start giving you my and Nagoski’s combined wisdom — 98% her, 2% me — let me just say: an orgasm is not like when the rain washes you clean. You might not know. If anyone tries to convince you otherwise, they’re ill-informed. Maybe you’ve climaxed before, maybe not.

Nagoski defines orgasms as “the sudden, involuntary release of sexual tension.” That’s it. There is nothing in there about your body, your bits, clenching, not clenching, yelling, moaning, legs shaking, or anything else.

You might be thinking “that’s vague,” and yeah, babe, it is! So, again, it’s not unreasonable to be unsure about this.

I do think there is a chance that you’ll try a new sex toy or position or partner, your socks get blown off, and the feeling is undeniable: el orgasmo. However, all bodies are vastly different and all orgasms are, too.

You can orgasm in your sleep, or from riding a pillow, or only from vaginal penetration, or only from clitoral stimulation, or only when you lie upside down on your couch with your Satisfyer Pro 2. Some people come from working out. Others come when their bladders get full. Also, people frequently have orgasms during otherwise meh or even unsatisfying sex. The body is weird and wonderful.

According to Nagoski, most women get “a sense of doneness” after an orgasm. Completion, if you will. Perhaps you’ve read this far and realized, Wow, yeah, I actually have had an orgasm. Stunning!

But perhaps you are more convinced than ever that you haven’t ever come.

That’s all right. It sounds like you were having bananas-good bang sessions. We love that! You do not need to come to make sex good. You also do not need to interrupt a good time chasing after an orgasm. If anything is going to be more ruinous to the mood, it’s desperately trying to make yourself climax.

I strongly recommend taking the pressure off yourself by not trying to have an orgasm every single time you have sex or masturbate.

This is one of those areas of life where finesse and timing and luck play a much bigger role than skill and effort and grit. The vibe of trying to orgasm is alarmingly similar to getting a stray kitten to trust you enough to be picked up. You kind of have to act like you don’t care at all… while clearly caring.

Sound frustrating? It can be! I strongly recommend taking the pressure off yourself by not trying to have an orgasm every single time you have sex or masturbate. I also recommend trying mindfulness exercises (there are some in Come as You Are) and vibrators. The more relaxed you can be, the better.

Make your sex life good for you. If that includes trying for an orgasm, great. If you end up feeling like you’re only “missing out” in theory, then allow yourself to let it go.

You also do not have to work on coming. That doesn’t have to be your goal at all. Having good, hot sex without an orgasm doesn’t invalidate your sex life. It certainly isn’t something you must demand to be a Good Feminist or something.

Make your sex life good for you. If that includes trying for an orgasm, great. If you end up feeling like you’re only “missing out” in theory, then allow yourself to let it go.

Remember, sex should be about pleasure — not trying to hit certain benchmarks. This isn’t the Presidential Fitness Test.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.