The Sexiest Relationship Status? Divorced.

When Melissa* traveled to Europe right before her 30th birthday with a few girlfriends, she found herself “doing things for the plot” — which included meeting a pair of hot French Moroccan guys. “We had a very romantic night on motorcycles along the coast of Nice smoking cigarettes. It felt like The Lizzie McGuire Movie,” she says. “I didn’t realize that there was such great sex out there.” The plot twist? None of this would have happened if she hadn’t finalized her divorce a few months earlier.

Although nobody wants to go through the pain of a horrendous breakup, the subsequent glow-up can be a very real, unexpected upside for the 15% of women in their 30s who call themselves divorcées. While the process is painful, beautiful, stark, sad, liberating, and at times f*cked up, it can also be very sexy: not because the act itself is tantalizing, per se (between the paperwork and legal fees, it’s objectively not), but because the dissolution of a marriage often leads women down a road they never knew existed — a path to their own pleasure and sexual liberation.

After I left my ex-husband six years ago, I began to feel like a new woman: more capable, confident, and joyful — and freer than ever. My mental health improved; my creativity sharpened. I became more motivated to go after my goals and be financially independent — before, I’d relied totally on my husband.

Of course, because of how good I began to feel on the inside, I only felt sexier on the outside. I finally got the cosmetic procedures I’d always wanted (ones my ex-husband had “forbidden me” from doing). And after being out of the dating game for years, I was also having more sex (it was better, too). Looking back, I think my transformation came because I was no longer tied down by expectations of what a wife should be — and many fellow divorcées can relate.

Discovering Pleasure

“I feel the sexiest I ever have in my whole life,” says Karina*, 36, who divorced her high school sweetheart four years ago after he cheated. Throughout their six-year marriage, her ex-husband had performance issues in the bedroom that he never wanted to talk about — likely, she says, out of shame, repression, or even guilt over the infidelity. Because of his unresolved issues, Karina felt like her pleasure had to take a back seat.

“After a few minutes of sex, he would go straight to sleep without even checking to see if I finished,” she says. Worse, he made her feel bad about wanting to reach an orgasm. “I didn’t know it could be any different.”

While divorce is painful, beautiful, stark, sad, liberating, and at times f*cked up, it can also be very sexy.

Karina is now satisfied — emotionally, intellectually, and sexually — in ways she never thought possible. She attributes that to finally understanding what she was missing in her marriage and prioritizing her self-pleasure.

She used to keep her sex life (or lack of it) hidden from her friends out of embarrassment. But once she confided in them, she learned she wasn’t alone in her struggles. Opening up to her friends who were empowering themselves in and out of the bedroom, regardless of their relationship status, became a beacon of hope. (Of course, it helped, too, that they tipped her off to the Lelo Sona Cruise clit stimulator.)

After a year of therapy and self-exploration, Karina entered the dating pool. She had casual hookups that left her feeling powerful before eventually meeting her current partner. “Sex with my boyfriend is amazing, and I find myself always wanting it even after several years,” she says. “It’s truly night and day from my marriage.”

Learning & Lusting

Lauren*, 34, says her ex was obsessed with chatting with other online gamers on Reddit until 4 a.m. Rather than sleep with his wife like she so desperately asked for, he doomscrolled his way to a sexless marriage.

When Lauren decided to leave him after five years and venture into dating, she sowed her wild oats. For her, that meant learning about polyamory and open relationships, seeking out situationships in which she felt safe enough to explore those dynamics, venturing into sex clubs, and discovering her sexuality. Through therapy, she came to understand what to seek in a future partner.

“I absolutely had a promiscuous phase. It showed me that I am desirable.”

Three years after signing the divorce papers, Lauren is sexually satisfied in the way she always dreamed of. “When I want to be manhandled and smacked around — in a consensual way — my new partner delivers,” she says. “I am with someone who actually listens to my fantasies. Hell, he even gives me hall passes to sleep with women when I want. I love my life.”

Leanne*, 33, grew up religious and was taught that marriage was a woman’s purpose. Getting divorced at 30 was a process of reckoning with what she knew about herself and her sexuality. “I wasn’t fully comfortable in my body and was taught to give myself to my husband,” she says. “I wasn’t fully aware that my body was my own.”

After Leanne’s divorce and years of therapy, she has dismantled her assumptions about herself, dating, sex, and how it all intertwines. This change led to an era of hookups. “I absolutely had a promiscuous phase,” she says. “It showed me that I am desirable, regardless of a divorce.” She’s since learned that she’s polyamorous and queer, and that she deserves every bit of the pleasure that she craves.

Confident & Comfortable Hookups

On Melissa’s Eat, Pray, Love-esque trip with friends who were also recently divorced, she got more acquainted with herself through casual hookups. “I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need out of a partner,” she says.

That included sex. Because it was “so bad” with her ex, she says, she never realized how great it could be — or how much less self-conscious she could feel in bed. But once she left her sexless marriage for grander (and less judgmental) pastures, she never looked back.

“I already did the marriage thing. I don’t really have to do it again if I don’t want to.”

“The first guy I slept with after my ex… was the most cosmic sex experience of my life. He created this safe environment for me to try and explore new things.” They called their regular eight-hour sessions “f*ckathons.”

The experience made her feel more at home in her own body. “[It] was the first time I felt comfortable with someone eating me out. Before, my ex-husband kind of made me feel gross about it,” she says. “It was also my first time getting my *ss eaten, and that was an amazing experience that was life-changing for me.”

Been There, Done That

Many divorced women are dating for the sake of the journey, not the destination. Melissa, who’s been divorced for a year, says walking down the aisle isn’t the end goal, although she is looking for a more serious relationship. “I already did the marriage thing,” she explains. “I don’t really have to do it again if I don’t want to.”

For Beth*, her focus is solely on herself. “I can take care of myself and even be able to splurge on myself,” she says. She relied on her husband to provide for her financially while she played the role of housewife. Now earning her own income, she treats herself to fancy lingerie and solo dates whenever she wants.

Like Melissa, Beth’s not running back to the altar. “I don’t feel the stress of needing to date to find ‘the one,’“ she says. “I feel the sexiest I ever have. For the first time, I just feel free!”

Eventually, after dealing with my own divorce, I met my now-husband — someone who is all-in with me on having an open relationship, attending sex parties, and enjoying random flings on vacation, too. I feel held and free simultaneously — and I have signing on the dotted line to thank for it all.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.