I’m Tall, He’s Short, & I Can’t Get Over Our Height Difference

Q: I’m a tall woman. I’ve always dated guys who are a few inches taller than me, usually 6 feet and up. I know it’s a cliché, but I wear heels, and would otherwise have to slouch to avoid being taller than a guy. I know it’s a stupid hangup, and similarly, I’d judge someone for only dating women with big boobs. But I can’t shake the uncomfortable feeling I get when I’m the same size or bigger than a guy.

Recently, I’ve been trying to be more open-minded, and I’ve been on a few dates with a guy who’s my height. I’ve only worn flats around him because I want to give myself a chance of being fully attracted to him. When he came over and saw my shoe rack, he seemed nervous. He asked me to put on a pair of 4-inch heels so he could see how tall I looked. I was towering over him and I hated it. He didn’t seem to love it, either, but he asked me out again. The thing is, I don’t feel like myself in flats, and I don’t want to have to change the way I dress. I plan on wearing low heels on the next date, but worry it’ll feel off.

I know this obviously limits my options in the dating pool. Is it possible to change who I’m attracted to? Is it fair to only be attracted to tall guys, especially since I’m tall, too? Is it wrong to keep trying to date shorter guys who seem like otherwise good potential matches for me, knowing that I might be wasting their time?

A: Short men, average-height men: You are filthy hot. Not to worry, babes!

I had a 5-foot-9 roommate who insisted on dating men 6-foot-2 and above and would swipe left on anyone who didn’t fit the requirement. (The average American man is 5-foot-9, by the way.) It made me sad! I think it’s tacky to judge someone based on their body, and especially an aspect of their body they cannot change. If someone talked this way about potential matches’ weight, I’d be upset by it, too.

If I were a shorter man and could have somehow seen her doing that, I would have felt like sh*t… and probably been thrilled to avoid dating someone who felt like she did. Of course, her rule significantly limited her number of matches, but she claimed she couldn’t help whom she was attracted to.

And attraction is kind of the sine qua non of dating! Physical appearance is only a small part of the hotness puzzle, but it’s kind of like the cornerpieces or edges — it’s often all you have to go on early on. As you get to know someone, the center stuff fills in and you become attracted to the way their eyes crinkle or how they’re afraid of dolphins or how close they are with their great-aunt Martha.

What does it say that many women want to feel “protected” by a tall man? (And protected from what? Even taller men?)

In my ideal world, we’re all attracted to kindness and inner beauty and whatever Brendan Fraser is doing in George of the Jungle with the horses. I don’t think we can control who we’re attracted to, but I do think we all unconsciously project our insecurities onto our love lives, and that those beliefs are worth digging into. A lot of women get judged for being tall or big or taking up any space bigger than a breadbox. Part of that is fatphobia, and the rest is misogyny.

What does it say that many women want to feel “protected” by a tall man? (And protected from what? Even taller men?) Would a guy capable of reaching the top shelf at the grocery store make you feel safer, more feminine, more beautiful, more like other couples you know? Is this really about your own body image? What if you meet and fall in love with Paul Mescal?

Meanwhile, traditional masculinity asks: What is a man worth if he isn’t large?

These biases have real-life consequences — look at this letter! Height also affects men’s careers — there’s a wage gap between shorter and taller men. And we subconsciously view taller men as better leaders and more intelligent.

Your job isn’t to “beat the lumps out of the dough” of your opinions and become a Perfect Person. OK? You can have a dating preference that isn’t socially flawless and you don’t need to crawl on your knees to atone for it. You don’t have to date people you aren’t attracted to to “prove” you’re an enlightened person; that’s not kind to anyone. Do you need to change your behavior? That’s for you to decide.

But I do hope you remember that when you’re 14 years in and your partner is taking photos of the weird mole on your tailbone to send to the dermatologist, their height is going to be the last thing you care about.

I really don’t know if there’s a way to bend your attraction to something more inclusive, and I don’t know if it’s morally correct to try. But if you want to try adjusting who you’re physically attracted to — or the role it plays in dating — you’re going to need to slowly get to know someone for who they are.

Please, please, please wear the f*cking heels on dates. Who cares!

When you first meet someone, their height might be 27% of the facts you know about a person — especially on dating apps, which flatten attraction to a two-dimensional thing, rather than what it really is, which is wild and horny and thorny. But you probably don’t think of your loved ones in terms of physical attributes; you care about how you feel when you’re with them.

While I commend you for trying to expand your dating pool, it sounds like the guy you tried with does care about height — the heels moment was weird! If you’re ever going to desire a shorter guy, it’s not going to be someone who is also insecure about the discrepancy between the two of you. (I am the same height as my boyfriend in some heels. Someone once made a comment to him about it — bold, right? — and he was like, “Why would I give a sh*t?” That was hot.)

My strongest advice of all — and I am on my knees (3-foot-7) begging here — is please, please, please wear the f*cking heels on dates. Who cares! Who cares if you tower above a man and clomp around like a Clydesdale? Clydesdales have untold majesty! Own it! If he cares, he’s not the one!

If you meet an average-height or shorter guy and he doesn’t care, I invite you to not care either. I also invite you to remember that when you’re horizontal, height matters little.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.