Is My Situationship Really Just A Bad Texter? Or Is He Not That Into Me?

Q: If you are sort of dating someone but that person doesn't text back that often, how do you not text-bomb them? Like, how do you keep from having the anxious feeling that they aren’t responding on purpose? I know sometimes he just wants “me time,” but still.

A: There is only so much you can do when you really like someone to avoid “over-texting” them. And most of those things come down to distracting yourself. Lean into every hobby you’ve ever had. Buy a blow torch and learn how to make crème brûlée. Learn how to type the accents on crème brûlée. Volunteer at a farm and wake up to do baby goat nighttime bottle feedings. Go to bingo at the VFW. Get busy and chase pleasure, even if right now nothing compares to the high of getting a “gm” text from this dude.

However, I would like to gently posit that the threshold for “over-texting” is ill-defined and idiosyncratic. My best friend once texted me 260 times in a single day, whereas I would be fine if we were at more like… 6 texts that were all utilitarian. Still, I love her for who she is and sometimes my phone is just on Do Not Disturb. We both had to learn each other’s styles, though. I’m unlikely to reach out with updates about what skirt I just bought or who I saw at the grocery store, but that doesn’t mean I’m not her best friend. I just don’t communicate that way.

My point is that you can’t always use text message frequency to decode someone’s feelings because we all have vastly different text styles.

If his texting is leaving you feeling unwanted or — the kiss of death in relationships — “confused,” you’ll have to do some real honest thinking about what else is going on here. You must also factor in that the two of you are only “sort of” dating. Your expectations for a guy who is seeing you casually might be totally fair, but they might not be inherent or obvious to him. He might think that your level of seriousness doesn’t warrant lots o’ texts from the text man.

Think about the rest of this guy’s actions outside of this.

• Does he prefer talking in person? Or is he similarly cagey about future plans when you’re hanging out?
• Is he not texting you back for days at a time and then texting you with an invite to come over in the next 30 minutes? (Boooooooo.)
• Have you two talked about where this might be going? If so, are you two on the same page, or is this “sort of dating” situation something that you’ve fallen into without any discussion?
• Is he otherwise communicative, reliable, and affectionate?
• Does he show up when he says he will? Does he initiate plans?
• How do you feel around him?
• Is the rest of the relationship working for you?

In other words, why do you believe his text style connotes a lack of interest? This could be his weak spot, or it could be indicative of mismatched expectations.

Do you think — and you have to be real honest with yourself here — that this is a case of your anxiety talking? Often, old experiences or unmet needs lead to us to carrying past feelings of being unwanted into the present. If that resonates with you, it’s worth reminding yourself that this guy isn’t necessarily the same as the people who have let you down before.

On the flip side, is he actually not giving you enough? If, deep down, you’re waiting for things to get more serious despite him pulling away, then the problem isn’t really about texting. It’s just a symptom.

One solution is to ask him to clarify.

“When you don’t text me back, it makes me feel like you don’t care about continuing this relationship. Is that the case, or am I misunderstanding?”

You can share what would make you feel more secure.

“Hey, I need you to reply to my texts so that I feel like you care about me and that I know what our plans are.”

It can be hard to negotiate needs in casual relationships. It’s possible that asking for more frequent texts might simply be “too much” effort for him to want to put into an almost-dating situation. (I know! I know!) If that is the case, it’s time to figure out if that’s a deal-breaker for you. Be wary of adopting his boundaries and desires simply to keep him around.

It’s A Pleasure appears here once a month. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.