How To Enjoy Being Touched More

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. All genders, sexual orientations, or questions are welcome, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: fingering sex tips to help you enjoy being touched more.

Q: "My boyfriend loves fingering me, but I’m having a hard time appreciating his efforts. I know most women love being fingered, but I've never enjoyed it that much. I don't think I've ever had a partner that was very good at it. My current boyfriend can be really fast and rough on my clitoris (but hey, I guess it’s good that he can at least find my clitoris!). I get frustrated easily. Fingering just seems like something that requires a lot of finesse, and I don’t have the patience to teach a partner if they’re not immediately good at it. Another problem is that I don't usually masturbate on my own, so I don't really know what I like. Do you have any tips for teaching my partner to finger me better? Or should I just give up on ever liking it?"

A: Thanks for the question! I can understand your frustrations with fingering. A lot of people feel the same way about it. It’s possible that you just might not like fingering (more on this in a second), but it sounds like you’re falling into one of the most harmful sexual myths that I come across as a sex therapist — the idea that good sex should just happen naturally. The reality is that it takes effort to understand what you like and to teach your partner what you like. Here are seven ways to help your partner get better at fingering.

Remember That You Don't Have To Love Fingering

I want to address your second question first. There are plenty of people out there who don’t enjoy being fingered, just as there are plenty of people out there who don’t enjoy oral sex. Or using a vibrator. Or intercourse. Everyone likes — and dislikes — different things. That’s perfectly normal!

It’s very possible that you’re just not a fan of the finger. It’s important to remember that you don’t ever have to do anything that doesn’t feel good to you, or that you don’t want to do. I would still suggest trying out some of the other tips I’m going to share, but at the end of the day, you don’t need to force yourself to like something you don’t enjoy.

Try Fingering Yourself To See What You Like

That being said, it’s also possible that you don't like being fingered because you’ve never had an enjoyable experience with it. It’s a silly analogy, but it’s kinda like eating Brussels sprouts; most people don’t like them because they’ve never had them cooked the right way. It can be hard to know if you truly don’t like Brussels sprouts, or if you only dislike them because they haven’t been prepared properly!

The best thing that you can do to get a better sense of your true feelings about fingering is to try it on your own first. The great thing about fingering is that — unlike cunnilingus — you can actually try it on your own. You mentioned that you don’t usually masturbate, but it may be the time to give it a try. Masturbating has so many amazing benefits, but it also is fantastic for helping you learn how to teach your partners what you like.

Check out these two guides to masturbation for step-by-step instructions for what to do. I also recommend trying a wide variety of strokes, just so you can get a sense of what your body responds best to.

Show Your Partner Your Technique

From there, you can teach your partner what you’ve learned from your own explorations. Like I said above, there’s no way for your partner to just magically know what’s going to work for your body, so showing them what you already know can be such a powerful step. If there were certain strokes or techniques that you really liked, describe them to your partner. Or — better yet — let your partner watch while you touch yourself. This can be really hot in and of itself, and it’s also a great way to teach your partner what to do.

Teach Your Partner About Your Clitoris

A lot of my sex therapy clients who sleep with men tell me that they have a hard time with their male partners being too rough with the clitoris. Tons of men tend to treat the clitoris like they treat their own penis. Everyone with a vulva is different, but most people need delicate clitoral stimulation. It’s important to tell your partner that you need a lighter, gentler touch. Just like this viral Tik Tok advises: don’t be too rough!

When your partner is starting to move their hand down between your legs, tell them, “I want you to tease me. Go nice and slow.” If they start getting too enthusiastic in the moment, take hold of their hand and say, “a little softer” or, “I like it when you go slower.” If they don’t seem to be getting the point in the moment itself, talk to them outside of the bedroom. Say something like, “I love how excited you get about touching me, but I really need a much softer, slower, gentler touch. If it’s not slow and delicate, it just doesn’t feel good to me.”

Emphasize Simplicity With Fingering

One major thing that I think a lot of people get wrong is getting too complicated with fingering. So many people try to do all of these complex, creative techniques. This can feel overwhelming to so many people, and can even be painful if your clitoris is sensitive. If there’s one tip I give more often than any other, it’s to keep it simple. You don’t need to do finger gymnastics!

If there was one particular stroke that you liked during your masturbation explorations — for example, going in a circle around your clitoris — tell your partner to focus on that one particular stroke. Just that one stroke. Have them keep doing it for the entire time they’re fingering you. Or try switching back and forth between two strokes every few minutes.

Try The Two-Handed Approach

Another great fingering technique is to try one hand externally on the clitoris, and the other hand internally. A lot of women love this dual stimulation. In fact, a lot of people don’t particularly enjoy fingering unless they’re getting dual stimulation. You can always try this technique on your own first, but it can be a bit difficult to maneuver the wrist of the hand that you’re using internally, so I recommend having your partner try it out too.

Always Use Lube

Regardless of the particular technique that you try, I always recommend using lube during fingering. The tissues of the vulva are sensitive, and it’s easy to start feeling rubbed raw (especially if you have an overly-enthusiastic partner who tends to be too rough). Even if you produce a lot of natural lubrication, that natural lubrication tends to evaporate pretty quickly. It’s just not enough for a proper fingering session. Lube is so easy to use, and can greatly enhance the sensation you feel during fingering. Seriously, I can’t overstate just how big of a difference lube can make. If you were to use just one tip from this entire article, I would say to start with this one!

Have fun!

Additional reporting by Chika Ekemezie