11 Signs Of Financial Abuse In A Relationship

Some couples agree to have one person handle financial responsibilities, while the other does something equally important — and everything remains fair and balanced as a result. When it comes to financial abuse, though, it’s common for one partner to control all the money (income, credit cards, etc.) in an unhealthy and manipulative way.

“If your partner is refusing to allow you access to credit cards or bank accounts, it’s financial abuse,” Williamson says. “This is financial abuse because your partner is seizing authority over you and not viewing you as an equal, nor trusting you enough to spend money in a healthy manner.”

In 2017, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence shared that an abusive partner may also maintain all control over credit cards and accounts in order to create “coerced debt”; this could ruin the victim’s credit, increase their debt, and make things like buying a car or renting an apartment nearly impossible in the future.

Keeping tabs on all the credit cards may also be their way of ensuring you’re totally dependent on them so you can’t leave the relationship. If you think this is happening to you, find the right time to reach out to someone for help.

If your partner gets upset whenever you spend money — whether it’s their money, your own money, or shared “couple” money — take it as a sign, especially if you’ve begun to live in fear of their reaction.

“If you fear your partner ... seeking retribution for a purchase you made, this is financial abuse,” Williamson says. “You may feel tempted to hide purchases, use cash instead of credit, etc. for fear that you will be punished for making a purchase without your partner’s approval.”

While many couples create a budget and agree upon what’s worth spending money on and what isn’t, it’s not healthy for one person to call all the shots — or get extremely angry or upset whenever money is spent.

If your paycheck goes directly to your partner or directly into their bank account without your consent, that’s definitely financial abuse. This is true even if they paint it as a way of “helping” you learn how to control your finances, and if they say it’s their way of helping you be organized.

The dependency this creates can be long-lasting and make it much more difficult to escape an escalating domestic violence situation. A 2010 survey reported that 85% of victims return to their abuser, with a significant amount citing a lack of ability to get their own finances under control as a reason for going back.

“When one person has sole control over the finances, it creates an unhealthy control element,” Angel M. Hoodye, MS, LPCS, CART, owner of Flourishing Hope Counseling, tells Bustle. “The person that manages all of the finances has freedom and independence financially while the other person is dependent. This arrangement discourages independence for the person being financially abused.”

It’s completely fine to chat about your career choices — especially if you’re planning on getting married and want to be financially stable down the road. (You might, for example, both agree not to go to grad school until you’ve purchased a house.) But there’s a big difference between making joint plans and your partner telling you what to do.

“A partner can take advantage of the money a partner earns, or they can employ tactics to prevent their partner from developing their own financial independence,” Ashley Bendiksen, an abuse prevention educator, tells Bustle. One example, she says, includes a partner influencing your career in a way that would keep you dependent on them, possibly by discouraging you to go back to school.

Another way to restrict financial freedom is by ruining your prospects at work, which may include them showing up at your place of employment to cause problems, make you look bad, etc.

One example of this behavior would be the victim experiencing physical abuse before an interview or important meeting so that they either show up unprepared, or don’t show up at all. A 2017 guide by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reported that 8 million days of paid work are lost each year due to financial abuse.

“This often causes [people] to lose their jobs or causes major disruption when pursuing an education,” Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D., a professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina-Beaufort, tells Bustle. “When [people] who are abusive violate their partners at work, they violate their partner’s independence and restrict [their] movement in organizations in which [they] could have access to power and resources.” And that’s not OK.

Financial abuse can also be rooted in secretiveness. “Many times I hear from people looking for my advice, who find secret credit card accounts that their partner has opened and used without their knowledge or consent,” New York-based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle.

While it’s fine for people to spend their own money, and buy things without telling their significant other, secretiveness can become a problem. Keeping secrets about joint funds can be abusive, Masini says. And you shouldn’t have to go through that.

All couples are different in terms of how they divvy up their finances. But if your partner controls all the money, and only provides access to an “allowance,” it’s likely an unhealthy situation — especially if your partner tells you how and when to spend it.

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, an abusive partner can pose the idea of giving them control over their finances as a way to lessen their “stress,” but down the line, the victim may realize that accounts might have been moved, and they’ve lost all control of their finances altogether.

As Hoodye says, “A person experiencing financial abuse is under complete financial dependence on the provider of funds. If [they do] need money they may receive an allowance. They also may have to follow a strict protocol for spending. If additional funds are needed they may need to provide justification and provide each receipt for purchases.” None of which is healthy.

As far as bills, credit cards, and debts go, a financially abusive partner may intentionally keep you in the dark as a form of control. “When a person has no information about any of the financial inner workings of their life, they are not able to practice financial independence,” Hoodye says. “Financial stability is a key element of a well-balanced life. When this element is unbalanced, additional worries arise.”

There’s a healthy way to split financial responsibilities in a relationship, and then there’s the abusive way that involves games and manipulation.

“The overt financial abuser puts themselves in the role of gatekeeper of all the money,” Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of Exposing Financial Abuse: When Money is a Weapon, tells Bustle. “Access is granted through them and often involves games of manipulation. The overt financial abuser is looking for power and domination in their relationship.”

Games differ from person to person, but the goal is always the same. "The purpose of financial abuse is the abuser creating a world that meets their needs and is about their comfort," Thomas says. "Financial abusers lack empathy and true attachment to those around them. It is critical that people are aware of this form of harm because it has long-term devastating consequences for its victims, both emotionally [and] financially as well."

Money issues can be difficult to talk about. But in healthy, long-term relationships, it’s super important to open up and be honest with each other.

Without that honesty, it’s possible to cross over into what’s often called “financial infidelity,” where one person lies about their money or hides something important from their partner. For example: “You may discover debt you didn’t know about,” psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, Ph.D., tells Bustle, which can have a negative impact on your relationship.

Unlike other abusive situations, if they can learn to be more honest with you about debts going forward, the relationship can be salvaged. Therapy may be key here, as you both work through financial problems, and learn to be more transparent.

In financially abusive relationships, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to take advantage of each other’s generosity. So take it as a sign if your partner seems to be using you for money.

“It’s OK to support your partner through school, or be the main support while your partner is child-rearing or temporarily out of a job, but [they] should be doing something to compensate,” Tessina says. “Partners who are immature may see the relationship as financial support and do nothing to support themselves,” which can lead one person to feel used.

Financial issues can take many forms, and not all of them are toxic in an unfixable way. But in general, “if your partner wants to control all the money, it’s a warning sign [of financial abuse],” Tessina says.

If it’s to the point where it’s no longer possible to talk to your partner about it — and your life is being negatively impacted — it may be a good idea to reach out to a therapist, and find a healthy way to exit the relationship.

Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.