The Best Ways To Apologize To Your Partner After An Argument

Honestly, no one ever got anywhere by not thinking about what they should say first. Because of this, it'll be helpful to calm way the heck down. If that means counting to 10, going for a walk, giving yourself five minutes of meditation, or sleeping on it, then do it.

"Give yourself time to simmer down, and then re-approach your partner when you’re calm," Amica Graber, a relationship expert with TruthFinder, tells Bustle.

Although some of us may be guilty of apologizing and not meaning it, a constructive and effective apology is one that is truly genuine.

"The simplest way to handle your error is to say, 'I'm sorry,' and mean it," bestselling author and relationship expert, Susan Winter, tells Bustle. "The most important ingredient in making your apology effective is sincerity."

When you speak from the heart, as Winter explains, the impact your apology has on your partner has a lasting effect and they can actually feel that you mean it.

Even if the argument started because of something one of you said or did, there's a good chance that as the argument got rolling, you both might have said or done things that escalated the situation. Both partners need to own that.

"What was your contribution to the argument or incident? What were your triggers? Spend some time thinking about what prompted your own behavior," Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love, tells Bustle. "Everyone has their hot buttons and these sensitivities may never go away."

It's because of these sensitivities that we need to be aware of the things that trigger us.

"Being more in tune with your triggers and coming up with healthier behaviors, such as calling a time-out, can help you react better next time," Chlipala says.

You can't offer up a sincere apology without understanding why you're apologizing.

"When apologizing, it's critical to make an attempt to understand why the person is hurt or angry with you," board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman tells Bustle. "Saying you're sorry without that understanding won't reassure them that you want to prevent this kind of problem from happening in the future."

Ideally, you want to prevent future arguments, and that means being aware of your behavior and adjusting it.

"If you didn't tell your partner that something was bothering you until you blew up, you must acknowledge that they probably are now afraid that you won't be open with them again until it becomes a big deal," Dr. Edelman says. "An apology isn't enough."

Your partner's love language doesn't have to be acts of service for them to need more than words to properly solidify your apology in their brain and heart.

"Sometimes words are just not enough," Chlipala says. "Pick one thing that you will try to make things better next time. This will show that you’re taking responsibility to avoid or minimize the same thing happening again."

In choosing this path, you're also showing that you're capable of learning from your mistakes and are willing to work on making yourself more trustworthy.

Although there's the saying that we always hurt the ones we love, the fact is that you probably didn't want to hurt your partner during your argument or with your actions. You need to make that clear.

"State that your intention was never to create harm," Winter says. "Admit your error in judgment. Be specific, but concise. Brief, heartfelt, and to the point is the best way to heal the wound without re-opening a discussion that creates greater distress."

While the desired outcome of an apology might be universal, what constitutes an apology doesn't need to be set in stone.

"Let the relationship win by broadening your definition of what an apology means," Chlipala says. "An apology isn’t all-or-nothing, where saying 'I’m sorry' means you’re completely wrong and your partner is right. Thinking in absolutes can prevent the necessary repairs a couple has to make to keep their relationship healthy."

More than anything, when it comes to apologizing to your partner, you need to be as genuine as possible.

"Sincere apologies are the glue that holds relationships together," Dr. Edelman says. "It's much easier to get over your anger and forgive someone who apologizes."

Without acknowledging your SO’s feelings, your apology will only go so far. Make it known that you understand the emotional harm your actions caused, and validate those feelings as best you can. This will demonstrate to your partner that their well-being matters to you, and at the end of the day, that’s all anyone really wants.

Pro tip: never apologize until you’re truly ready. Your partner will be able to see through a phony apology, so until you actually mean the words coming out of your mouth, consider holding off and reflecting on the situation further.

Apologizing doesn’t always equate to admitting to your shortcomings, so if you have something to own up to, make sure you actually say it.

Don’t expect one apology to fix everything. Allow your partner to take some space to reevaluate things, and process their emotions on their own time. When they’re ready to talk, they’ll let you know.

When it comes to apologizing, one of the best things you can do to make amends is to have an action plan that details the steps you will take to change, whether that be thinking before you speak or going to therapy.

Never assume the other person is going to forgive you. Make it clear that they get to decide when this is all over, and that you’re willing to abide by their timeline.

That way you and your partner can both take the necessary measures to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

In times like these, it’s best to just listen. Don’t spend too much time explaining your side of things, and instead let your partner take the floor and set the tone for the conversation.

Another way to prove you’re truly sorry is to put your partner’s needs before your own, and improve your behaviors based on what makes them most comfortable. This shows that you’re willing to listen and capable of considering their feelings.

A calculated apology isn’t going to get you anywhere, but a remorseful one full of regret, guilt, and emotion might.

A lot of less-than-flattering things tend to come out during an argument, so when you’re ready to apologize, refrain from the passive aggressive comments, and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Nobody is going to accept an apology from a hostile individual, nor should they. Being combative makes it seem like you’re just apologizing for optics, not because you mean it.

If the fight was left unresolved, don’t use your apology as an excuse to rehash the dispute. Once you’ve both had time to heal and reflect, that’s when you can circle back to the conversation – hopefully with a new approach this time.

If you’re unclear about why your partner is upset, or how you can improve your behavior, don’t just kiss and make up. Asking questions will not only demonstrate to your partner that you want to change, but it will also help you understand how to make those changes in the future.

People tend to say things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment, and nothing is more heated than an argument. Before you apologize, make sure to collect your thoughts, process your emotions, and craft a well-thought-out apology that allows you to get to the core of the issue without making matters worse.

Just because you’ve apologized doesn’t mean your partner will be ready to forgive you. Maybe your other half needs to see some behavioral adjustments before they’ll be fully comfortable with you again, or perhaps they need some time to digest recent events. Whatever the reason may be, just be understanding of the fact that apologies aren’t automatic “get out of jail free” cards and allow time to heal this wound.

Following up a fight with a sincere apology may give your sweetheart emotional whiplash, so don’t be surprised if they’re still in a raw or reactive state. Say your peace, allow them to feel their feelings, and maybe after the dust has settled they’ll be ready to apologize, too.

For some apologies, things need to get worse before they can get better. That means your conversation may lead to tears, anger, or grief, and when that happens, remember to make your partner feel valued and validated for expressing those emotions.

It’s a simple rule, but it can make or break an apology.

Having empathy for your partner’s feelings can be beneficial not only for them, but for you as well. Imagine how you would feel if your SO said those things to you or acted the way you did, and you’re bound to walk away with a much clearer understanding of their POV.

If your other half is dealing with an urgent personal or work matter, it’s probably best to hold off on apologizing until things settle down again. That said, that doesn’t mean you should completely abandon them in their time of need, either. You can still make it clear that they can reach out if they need anything without overwhelming them with even more.

One final way to assure your lover’s quarrel is water under the bridge is to check in with your other half a day or two later and make sure their feelings haven’t changed, or that there aren’t any unresolved issues. This gives them one last chance to get anything off their chest, and demonstrates your commitment to being a better partner.