Sex & Relationships
The 21 Types Of People Who Will Slide Into Your DMs During A Pandemic
There's something about a global pandemic that makes everyone and their mother slither out of the woodwork and into your inbox. While checking in with your loved ones is an important practice and an effective way to feel supported, the surge of messages from people you never thought you'd hear from again is, frankly, a spicy surprise. From your high school class president to that girl you met at Coachella, the unlikely people who will slide into your DMs during the coronavirus outbreak is something no one saw coming.
The risk of COVID-19 is coated in uncertainty. People don't know what is going to happen. Nobody is quite sure when this will be over. And I certainly am struggling with how to gracefully handle being stuck at home for the foreseeable future. (Should I still get dressed? Should I send thirst traps to my exes?)
To some, self-isolation may look like live-streaming your Pilates class, Zooming your boss, and preparing a few extra salacious sexts for your boo across town. To others (like your old manager or friend from summer camp), social "distancing" is yet another way of saying social "media" — like these 21 surprising (but maybe welcome?) people all up in your DMs at this very second.
1That Person You Sit Next To In Yoga But Never Hang Out With Outside of Class
Should we FaceTime in Child's Pose for an hour?
2Your Best Friend From College's Mom
My own mother doesn't even watch my TikTok dance videos!
3That Girl From Study Abroad Who You Initially Thought Was Annoying, But Grew On You
You're telling me that you think of me every single time you see a croissant?
4That Piece Of Trash You Dated In Your Early 20s
To think, if you had treated me well, your freezer would be stacked with homemade lasagna right now.
5That Guy From Your Politics 101 Class That's Now Involved With Local Government
Thanks for the reminder, Kurt.
6Your Friend Who You Had A Semi-Recent Falling Out With
There's no time like a global pandemic to really air out a friendship breakup.
7Your Old Boss From That Summer Internship You Hated
This same person once said to you, "If I knew you were going to quit, I would never have hired you in the first place."
8Your Old Boss From That Summer Internship You Loved
This same person once said to you, "I'm so excited to see everything you're going to accomplish."
9That Girl From Summer Camp Who You Haven't Seen In 14 Years
I still have the bracelet you made me. I keep it in an old Converse shoe box at my parents' house.
10That Person Who Dated Your Crush Who You Randomly Ended Up Bonding With
You realized the woman you were competing with is an angel and the person you were fighting over is a glorified waste basket.
11That Artsy Girl From High School That Now Has A Mullet
My shirt is from Target.
12That Cool British Exchange Student Who Spent One Semester At Your School
Yas, Queen (but in an English accent).
13Your Emotionally Unavailable Ex
I have hives just thinking about this.
14The One Who Got Away (Just Kidding! You Only Dated In Your Head)
Will you be my quarantine?
15That Publicist You Met At An Event Once Who Won't Stop Emailing You
G-Cal invite or it didn't happen.
16That Girl Who Used To Compete With You, But Now Lives On A Farm
Tethered To The Metropolis is the working title of my memoir.
17Your Trust Fund Friend Who Offers To Pay For Things, Then Venmo Requests $4
For the record, I don't expect anyone to buy me anything and I am happy to pay for whatever I order. But, like, don't offer then send a sneaky Venmo four days later, Veronique!
18That Guy You Hooked Up With *One* Time
Reaching out after three years to ask about my mom is... bold.
19Your Old Roommate That's Training To Become A Life Coach
I'm sorry, but you used to eat all of my granola and blame it on the dog. (We didn't have a dog.)
20That Chick You Met At A Music Festival Last Summer
Honestly, she has amazing skin. And her hula hooping is out of this world.
