The Ultimate Guide To Having Virtual Sex With Your Partner

Are you always hearing that you could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship? But you don't often hear the nitty-gritty details of how you might actually achieve those things? Bustle asked Vanessa Marin, licensed sex psychotherapist, how to have video and phone sex when you're in a long distance relationship— a must-know for anyone separated from their partner right now.

Maybe your partner is moving to another state for a job opportunity that’s too good to turn down, and you're hoping it will be temporary. If you've had a good sex life thus far, you might be apprehensive about how the switch to long-distance will affect your sex life. And if you're a little bit shy and haven’t been historically vocal about sex, phone and video chat sex may sound intimidating. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

According to Marin, it can be jarring to go from seeing each other regularly to relying on technology for the vast majority of your interactions. But learning how to have a long-distance sex life may require a little extra effort, patience, and creativity, but you can make it work for your relationship.

With that said, here are some tips you should know if you want try video or phone sex in your long-distance relationship.

Talk About Your Video Or Phone Sex Plan

If you're new to phone or video sex, it can be a little scary to jump in unprepared. Kate Balestrieri, psychologist and sex therapist, tells Bustle that it's best to talk about it beforehand. "Be clear about your limits or fears, so you can enter into the experience without reservation or resentment," Balestrieri says.

Ask your partner what they envision your sex life looking like when the two of you are apart. Send them this article or read it together, and discuss which of the strategies you’d feel comfortable trying.

Marin says text and email can be one of the easiest places to start, especially if you’re shy. You’ll have plenty of time to collect and edit your thoughts, so you probably won’t feel intimidated or put on the spot.

You can start off tame, with a little message that says, “I miss your arms around me” or “I want to kiss you right now.” As you start to feel more comfortable, up the naughty factor with texts like, “I wish you were here in bed next to me.”

If you still feel unsure of how to phrase your thoughts, try reading erotic fiction for inspiration. Get a sense of which words feel more natural to you than others. You can also check out this list of options.

Graduate To Sexy Emails

Next, try sending them an email describing what you’d like to do to them the next time you two see each other. "Make sure to put a note saying 'Private' or 'For later' in the subject," Marin says. "So they don't open it at an inopportune time."

Texts and emails are a great way to build anticipation. Send each other little messages throughout the day, teasing each other until the next time you’re able to speak or see each other in person. For example, “I can’t wait to tell you about this hot dream I had about you last night. Too bad you’ll have to wait until I get off work.”

You can also send a naughty note through old-fashioned snail mail. "There’s something about a hand-written letter that feels so different from a text or email," Marin says. You might find it easier to express yourself using pen and paper, or a more sultry side of your personality might emerge.

Try Sexy Letters Too

Send a naughty note via old fashioned snail mail. According to Marin, there’s something about a hand-written letter that feels so different from a text or email. With technology everything is instant. You might find it easier to express yourself using pen and paper, or a more sultry side of your personality might emerge. Sending letters back and forth is a fun way to build anticipation. You may even feel like you’re in the early stages of dating again.

Try Dirty Talk Over The Phone

Talking over the phone can be another fun option that’s not that much more intimidating than texting or writing. You get to hear your partner's responses in real time, which makes it feel less isolating. Plus, it frees up your hands to do other things in the moment!

For an easy place to start, or a smooth way to transition into dirty talk, bring up of your favorite memories of having sex together. "Say something like, 'you know what just popped into my head today? That time we were on vacation in Mexico, and we started making out in the jacuzzi? Do you remember that?'" Marin suggests. "Prod them along by asking questions like, 'do you remember what happened next?' Rehashing old memories is nice because you don’t have to make anything up or feel put on the spot."

Add A Video Call To Your Virtual Sex

Video chat can feel more vulnerable for shy people because you can actually see each other. You might find it a little trickier to talk about sex when you’re looking each other in the face. Nonetheless, it’s probably the most exciting way to maintain your sex life when you’re apart. Per Marin, here are some ideas for places to start:

• Turn the lights down in your room or light candles. You’ll probably feel more comfortable if the lights aren’t blazing.
• Try surprising them by showing up to your video chat in a new lingerie set that you just bought, and tell them you’ll put it on for them next time. This is a sure-fire way to get some sexy talk going without having to initiate verbally.
• Turn the camera away when you feel awkward, but play it up as teasing him. If you’re feeling shy in the moment, turn the camera off or away, and give yourself a second to regain your composure. Tell them, “I think you’re liking this too much. I’m going to make you wait.”
• Move the camera around to show them the parts of your body that you want them to touch. Or ask them to tell you where he wants to touch.
• Use the camera to share some of the more intimate parts of your day with them. Prop it on the counter while you’re taking a bath, or let him watch you get dressed in the morning.
• As you get more comfortable, try masturbating together over video chat. Close your eyes and pretend it’s their hand on your body. You can still hide under the covers if you’re feeling embarrassed.
• If you ever feel stuck for what to say, you can always fall back on moaning, panting, or a simple, “yes.”
• If you’re paranoid about privacy, set up a new email using fake information.

It’s OK to feel nervous, but once you get into it, you’ll wonder you haven’t tried it before. While it may not be as good as the real thing, it can actually do wonders for your relationship in the long-run. As Joe Kort, Ph.D, a sex and relationship therapist, tells Bustle, mutual masturbation over video is not only fun, but it can help you view sex in a different way.

“Touching yourself and having your partner watch is more than a turn on,” Kort says. “It builds trust and closeness, which can improve your relationship as well as your sexual experiences with each other. It can be liberating in a way you never anticipated. It also makes sex more than penetration.”

Arrange Virtual Sex Dates

When you’re long distance, a little bit of planning may be necessary. For instance, your roommate’s last-minute change of plans or an emergency call from work can disrupt the mood you’ve tried to set. Therefore, it doesn’t hurt to make arrangements beforehand.

As sex and relationship therapist, Cyndi Darnell previously told Bustle, “[Couples who last] recognize that sex is something that may require scheduling and attention, but they make room for it. They also talk about sex, what they like and want, and manage differences by listening and negotiating." Although it may not seem as sexy as spontaneously transitioning to dirty talk during your nightly check-ins, scheduling time for a sexy video call is a great way to work on your communication.

It’s pretty easy to do, and it doesn’t have to be a long conversation. For instance, Marin suggests sending them a text earlier in the day saying, “my roommate is out tonight. Think you can get some privacy around 7?” It’s simple and gets to the point. You can even try for something more flirty as well such as dropping a sexy pic or two to build anticipation. Just think of it as planning another date night.

Bring In Long-Distance Sex Toys

There are toys specifically designed for long-distance couples, like the OhMyBod Club Vibe 2.OH or the We-Vibe Nova 2. As Cassandra Lange, LCSW, owner of Queer City Therapy, tells Bustle, many of these toys can be controlled by an app on your partner’s phone. You can either use it strictly during playtime or wear it all day, like the Lovense Ferri, which is small panty vibrator. If you don’t want to splurge on new sex toys, you can even take turns instructing each other on how to use your own toys on yourself.

While you’re using toys, pay close attention to what your partners gets turned on and off by. If they’re not very expressive, ask what’s most exciting for them. “Some people really love dirty talk and some are completely turned off by it; some people get more out of visuals than text, and some finish best when they can hear their lovers moan,” Lange says. “Don’t just go by a script you’ve been taught of how have video sex — write your own.”

Being in a long distance relationship means you’re not going to have them around to stimulate you as much as you used to, so this is your opportunity to develop more of a relationship with your own sexuality as well. Buy yourself a new sex toy or some hot lingerie. Explore masturbation. You’ll feel a lot more confident the next time you’re on a video call with you’re partner.

Make Your Time Together Count

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’ll come to recognize how precious your time together is. You’ll learn how to cram a lot of intimacy and connection into the moments you do get to share. I’ve actually met a few long-distance couples who had more active sex lives than couples who lived together!

Give yourselves some time to adjust to the transition. Trying to be intimate when you’re miles apart is bound to be awkward at first and at times, but that’s OK. In-person sex is like that, too!

"Most of all, the best tip I could give you is to remember to be yourself," Marin says. "Sexting has a way of making people feel like they have to put on an act or pretend to be someone else. Remember that it’s still you and your partner being intimate."

Experts

Vanessa Marin, licensed sex psychotherapist

Dr. Kate Balestrieri, psychologist and sex therapist

Cassandra Lange, LCSW, owner of Queer City Therapy

Cyndi Darnell, sex and relationship therapist

Joe Kort, Ph.D, sex and relationship therapist