We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually achieve those things? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex psychotherapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now on to this week’s topic: How to actually enjoy giving blowjobs.
Q: I’ve never, ever enjoyed giving blowjobs. I don’t know what I’m doing, so I can’t tell if my issue is just a lack of self confidence or something larger. I feel like I’m gagging all the time and can’t come up for breath. I know guys enjoy getting blowjobs, and I want to be able to satisfy my partner. But it feels like most guys want the kinds of blowjobs you see in porn.
A: You are definitely not alone in feeling conflicted about blowjobs! Many of the women I work with don’t enjoy giving them. One of the biggest complaints I hear is that they feel like they’re expected to give the kinds of blowjobs that they see in dirty movies. Blowjobs in porn often look very intense, and most women are too intimidated to try to replicate them.
But let me let you in on a little a secret: The blowjobs you see in porn usually aren’t that pleasant to receive in reality. Porn is about putting on a show. Everything is over the top and exaggerated, and way more rough than you would want to be in real life. You actually don’t want to try to imitate a lot of what you see!
Here are my suggestions to help you figure out how to give a blowjob that you can also enjoy.
Figure Out Why You Don't Like It
Take some time to get clear on what it is that turns you off about blowjobs. It sounds like you have the sense that, for you, it may be more about your confidence than an actual dislike for the act. But there could be other factors, too. Some women don’t like having a penis in their mouths. Others don’t enjoy the taste or the sounds.
You may also want to consider where your discomfort comes from. A lot of women have had experiences of being forced to give blowjobs. Of course you’re not going to be so keen on giving oral sex if your past experiences have included sexual abuse, or having your head forcefully held in place. Other women have grown up being told that oral sex is gross or impermissible.
Getting a sense of where your distaste comes from can help you figure out how to move past those hangups. But keep in mind that you may not ever like giving blowjobs. We all have sexual preferences, just like we have preferences for things like food. You may not like oral sex in the same sort of way that you don’t like sushi.
You get to set your own boundaries when it comes to sex. If you find that you genuinely don’t like giving blowjobs, then you’re under no obligation to give them. Your partner may be disappointed, or may not feel as open to giving you oral sex in return, but it’s still your prerogative to decide what’s right for you.
Focus On What You Do Like
If you decide that you want to explore blowjobs, my best piece of advice is to set your focus on discovering the aspects of the act that you genuinely enjoy. Odds are that at least part of the process feels fun, empowering, playful, or even arousing.
Maybe you find licking up and down the shaft to be a lot more enjoyable than shoving the whole thing in your mouth. Or perhaps you enjoy watching your partner’s face as you tease him mercilessly. Do you like making eye contact? Or talking to the guy in between licks? Play around a bit until you find something that’s fun for you.
Remember This Secret
Enthusiasm is more important than technique. I work with a lot of women like yourself, who worry that they don’t know what they’re doing. They end up avoiding blowjobs altogether because the performance pressure feels so intense. Having a basic technique down is necessary — we'll get to that in a second — but what’s most important is doing what you do with gusto.
Most men would prefer having a partner who is enjoying what she’s doing over one who is just going through the motions. Just like women, men are also very sensitive to their partners attitudes during sex, and they know when you’re not feeling it. There’s nothing hotter than a woman who is having a blast lavishing her partner’s body with attention.
That’s why I emphasize trying to discover your favorite parts of giving a blowjob. By focusing on the aspects of oral sex that you enjoy, you’ll make the experience a lot more pleasurable for the both of you. If you can find a way to make blowjobs fun for you, I can practically guarantee you that your partner is going to love it.
Know Your Blowjob Basics
Right now, you may be thinking, “OK, that sounds great, but I still have no idea what to do!” So let’s go over the foundations of a good blowjob.
First, build some anticipation before going downtown. Women aren’t the only ones who like a little foreplay. Slowly slide your hand down his chest as you’re kissing. Take your time moving your mouth between his legs. Play with the buttons on his pants before starting to undo them. Let him know that you can’t wait to get started.
Then begin to explore his dick with your tongue and fingers. Try out a couple of different strokes and licks to see what he responds best to (and to discover what you enjoy doing!). You can also ask him directly what he likes, or what he wants you to do to him. Test out two to four different things and try to get a sense of which one is the most pleasurable.
Here are some simple ideas for what to try:
- Keep your hand firmly on the base of his penis while sucking on the tip.
- Hold your fist against your mouth and move them up and down his penis together.
- Lick up and down his dick while keeping your tongue flat and wide.
- Keep your hand on the base while moving your mouth up and down.
A few pointers to keep in mind:
- You can usually use a lot more pressure than you think.
- That said, try to keep your teeth out of the way.
- Try to maintain a steady rhythm.
- It’s OK to come up for air! If your jaw needs a break, spend some time licking the head of his penis or using your hand to jack him off.
- You don't need to deep-throat him. That is pretty difficult to maintain, and again, porn is mostly performance.
- Try to let what you enjoy guide you, and chances are that he'll enjoy it too.
Once you’ve discovered what techniques work best for him, pick one thing and stick to it. Most men need consistent, repeated stimulation to help reach orgasm. Gradually increase the pace and intensity, but stay at a level that you can maintain for a few minutes. Then hang on until you’re sure he’s finished orgasming.
These are just the basics, and there are plenty of other techniques to try once you start feeling more confident. The key is to not get overly complicated. Remind yourself that your enjoyment and enthusiasm are more important than tongue gymnastics. Who knows — a little experimentation may help you discover that blowjobs are actually more fun than you originally thought!
