We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now on to this week's question: ways to use foreplay to bring some excitement back into your sex life.
Q: “Any tips for how to make foreplay more interesting? It seems like my partner and I do the exact same thing every time we have sex. Over the years, the amount of time we spend on foreplay has slowly dwindled down to almost nothing, and the things that we do still do are really boring. I miss being a teenager and making out and grinding for hours! How can we bring some passion and excitement like that back into our foreplay?”
A: Thanks for the question! Most people get into predictable routines with foreplay (a minute of kissing, a few strokes of a breast, and a lazy “take this off”). If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you know how frustrating it can feel to know exactly what’s coming next.
I think we can actually all pull inspiration from what foreplay is like for hormone-crazed teenagers. Odds are that most of us have memories of spending hours and hours on foreplay as teens, and while we might not have been super-experienced, it was super-exciting. So, in the spirit of recapturing your sex-crazed teenage self, here are eight ideas for making foreplay exhilarating again.
1. Slow Down
The most general tip I can give you is to slow down. When you were a teenager, you could probably get a crazy amount of pleasure from just kissing or touching your partner. It felt like time slowed down. There was nowhere else you’d rather be, and it was the most important thing in the world at that moment. As adults, we’re all in such a rush that we often don’t make the time for long, drawn-out foreplay sessions with our partners.
This weekend, tell your partner, “I want to clear everything off our schedules except for spending time together.” See what it’s like to spend the whole day lounging in bed and taking your time with each other. Come up with a code word that you can use together if you feel yourselves starting to rush or getting back into old patterns. Or if your partner tries going too fast, tease them with a little, "not yet, I'm enjoying this too much."
2. Emphasize The Make Out
Teenagers don’t have the privacy that adults do, so they get creative! As a teen, you may have made out in the back of the movie theater, behind some bushes in the park, on the roof of your parent’s house, or in a parking lot stairwell. Try to channel that same level of creativity with your foreplay locations. Duck into the bathroom together at a party. Pull your partner down a dark alley. Go park on your town’s Lover’s Lane.
And while you're at it, make out more! Wasn't that one of the best parts of being a teenager — making out for hours and hours on end? You don't have to make out until your lips get chapped, but you can definitely spend more time doing it. I mean, think about it, when was the last time you really had a make-out session with your partner? If you or your partner feel silly going for a marathon session, set it up as a challenge. The first one to pull away has to do a favor for the other person!
3. Touch Each Other Over Your Clothes
As a teenager, you probably got a lot of pleasure out of over-the-clothes groping. It didn’t matter how many layers of clothes you had on; just feeling a hand on your body felt arousing. This can still be fun to play around with even once you’ve learned what naked flesh feels like. Sneak a hand into your partner’s back pocket for a little squeeze when you’re out in public. If your partner has boobs, trace the outline of her underboob. Try rubbing your partner over their pants when the two of you are sitting and watching TV. If your partner tries taking off their clothes or yours, say, "you've got to wait for that."
Try experimenting with wearing different types of fabric, like a silk slip or rough jeans. Keep your underwear on until the last possible moment. An added bonus — for a lot of women, clitoral stimulation can feel even better when there’s a layer of clothing protecting the clitoris!
4. Dry Hump
One variation of the above is to bring dry humping back into your sex life. Don’t be ashamed to admit it — you had at least one dry humping session as a teen! There’s something really hot about grinding against each other and simulating the act of sex without fully doing it. Plus, the friction of your clothing can feel really good. If you feel embarrassed about this, ask your partner, “did you ever used to dry hump as a teenager? I haven’t done it in years, but it used to feel so good! Want to try it out and see if it’s still as fun?”
5. Explore Each Other's Bodies
When you were first starting to explore foreplay, it probably felt like the human body was your playground. There were so many new parts to discover! As adults, we tend to hone in on breasts, ass, and genitals, and don’t pay much attention to the rest. Try spending plenty of time focusing on the little hot spots you may have forgotten about — behind the ears or knees, the front and back of the neck, the collar bone, or the back.
6. Have A Beginner’s Mind
Teenagers tend to have more open minds about exploring than adults do. If you’re not very sexually experienced, you treat each hookup as the opportunity to learn a little more about what you like and what your partners respond to. When we’ve been in long-term relationships, we tend to find what our partners like and stick to it. This, of course, gets boring. Try channeling some of that “beginner’s mind” by pretending you don’t know anything about what your partner likes.
Tell your partner, “let’s try to act like we’re doing this for the first time again.” Try two different touches or strokes, and ask your partner what feels best. Touch two different parts of their body and ask what they like the most.
7. Build The Anticipation
One of the things that made teenage gropefests so fun was that there were so many limitations on them. You didn’t have much private time, so you might have waited for days for the opportunity to fool around. The level of anticipation was insane!
You can bring this intensity back into your sex life by trying to tease each other. Pick a “playdate” a few days in advance and text and email each other about it. Once you’ve both left for work, call your partner and tell them what you’re going to do to them when you both get home. Try to get each other turned on with saucy Snapchats or sexy whispers in moments where sex isn’t a possibility (like when you're out to dinner at a restaurant). Be a tease!
8. Don’t Think Of It As Foreplay
One of biggest misconceptions about foreplay is it’s “the stuff that comes before the real thing — intercourse.” Foreplay should be enjoyed just as much as intercourse. Teenagers get this. I’m sure you had as much fun heavy petting as a teen as you’ve had “rounding the bases” as an adult. Don’t forget about how much fun every base can be!
If you and your partner have intercourse, and you feel like you've been overly focused on it, try imposing a one-month (or even one-week) intercourse hiatus. Force yourselves to be creative and enjoy the "foreplay" as the "main event." You can even pick specific activities to focus on for each week, like hand jobs one week and oral the next. It might be difficult, but resetting your sex life in this way will help you put more of an emphasis on foreplay long after the experiment is over.
Have fun!
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