We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today's topic: how to enjoy receiving oral again after you've gotten used to your vibrator.
Q: The first time my lover gave me oral sex, I had an earth-shattering orgasm. It has been several years since that experience, and my enjoyment of oral has decreased to the point where I don’t really feel much now. I’m worried that it’s because I started using vibrators after we got together. I can always orgasm with a vibrator (and the orgasms themselves are fantastic). I’m thinking I should go cold turkey and throw out my vibrators. Can I get that sensitivity back that I had before vibrator use? Can I have orgasms from oral sex again?
A: Thanks for your question! I know it’s frustrating when an old orgasm standby suddenly stops being so reliable. It's tempting to want to put the blame on vibrators, but they're not always the culprit. I’m going to cut through the crap and give you the real scoop on how your orgasm works. Here are six steps to enjoying oral again.
1. Don't Fear The Vibrator
Your questions about vibrators made me wonder if you’ve bought into some of the vibrator fear-mongering that so many other people succumb to. There are a lot of myths about vibrators, including that you can get “addicted” to them. Let’s get one thing perfectly clear before we go any further: you can't get addicted to a vibrator. Vibrators create really intense stimulation, so your body can get accustomed to that level of sensation, but accustomed isn’t the same as addicted.
You haven't done any permanent damage by using a vibrator, nor have you sabotaged yourself from ever enjoying oral again.
2. Get Clear On What You Want
It’s important to separate any fears you may be having about your vibrator from your goals for your sex life. Anxiously chucking all of your vibrators into the trash can isn’t going to solve anything. What is it that you want for your sex life? Do you actually want oral sex to be a part of your repertoire with your partner? Do you actually want to take a break from your vibrators? It's great if you want to enjoy oral sex more, or want to shake up your usual orgasmic routine. But you don’t need to go cold turkey on vibrators simply because you’re feeling afraid.
3. Have More Oral Sex
If you want to start having orgasms from oral sex again, have more oral sex! Yes, it can be as simple as that. If it’s been a long time since you’ve had oral sex, your body may need some time to get back into the groove. Ask your partner to perform oral sex more often. Ask them to go for 20 or even 30 minutes. Have sex sessions where all you do is exchange oral sex.
You can also try having your partner switch up their technique. If you’re not feeling much right now, that’s just a sign that the two of you need to try something different. For more tips, check out my past articles about oral sex technique, or read one of my favorite book recommendations, She Comes First by Ian Kerner.
4. Take A Vibrator Hiatus
Again, vibrators aren’t addicting, but your body can get accustomed to the intense stimulation that a motor can provide. Of course, vibrators can create more stimulation than a tongue. If you’re really serious about wanting orgasm from oral sex, you might want to consider taking a temporary break from your vibrator. Your body can recalibrate and become more sensitive. Depending on how long you've been using a vibrator and how intensely you've been using it, it can take a month or two for your body to readjust. As an added bonus, you'll probably have some crazy orgasms once you start using your vibrators again!
If you’re looking for a more moderate approach, you and your partner can try using a small bullet vibrator during your oral sexcapades. Have your partner alternate between their tongue and the vibrator.
5. Don't Get Too Focused On The O
If you’re feeling anxious about your ability to orgasm from oral sex, you run the risk of getting overly fixated on orgasming. Don’t forget that the only way to reach orgasm is to do things that make your body feel pleasure, so you’re going to enjoy yourself way more if you focus on sensation rather than your end-goal. You can help yourself stay in the moment by giving your partner feedback about what feels good.
6. Give It Time
If you were able to have orgasms from oral sex before, you'll probably be able to have them again. It may take a while for your body to readjust, but it will get there. Give yourself time and try not to get too into your head about it.
I know it can be scary to notice changes in what your body likes, but the reality is that our bodies change all the time. Things will keep changing, so you’ll probably swing back around to enjoying oral sex again at some point. Keep experimenting with oral sex. If you decided to take a vibrator hiatus, but you aren’t able to have orgasms from oral sex after several months, go back to your trusty vibrators and enjoy your orgasms. Try going on vibrator hiatuses once or twice per year to see if anything has changed.
I work with so many women who have never had an orgasm, so the fact that you’re able to have them at all is awesome. Don’t forget to celebrate that!
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