We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to move during sex.
Q: This might sound like a ridiculous question, but I don’t know how to move during intercourse. I’m a 22 year old woman, and I’ve been having sex for about a year. I usually have sex in positions where the guy is “in control,” but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing while he’s thrusting. I worry about my partners thinking I’m a “dead fish,” but I also don’t want to move too much and make it seem like I’m trying to be a porn star or something. I guess the question is how do you move your body during sex?
A: Thanks for writing in! I don’t think this question is in any way ridiculous. Learning how to have good sex is a skill that requires practice. With more experience, you get a better sense of how your body likes to move and what feels best for you, but those aren’t skills that most people have immediately. Let’s go over five steps for learning what to do with your body during sex.
Probably best to press play on this while you're reading...
1. Find The Ways Your Body Likes To Move
The most important message I want to get across in this article is that you should move your body in ways you genuinely enjoy. Like you said in your question, it’s no fun pretending to be a porn star (unless that's your thing). Don’t move in certain ways just because you think it’s expected or because it “looks good”. Instead, focus on the movements that feel sensual and pleasurable to you.
Dancing offers a good comparison: You may think that salsa dancing looks super hot when other people do it, but feel like a flailing fool whenever you attempt it. Sure, you might get better with practice, but there’s a likelihood that it might not ever feel like a natural type of movement to you. On the other hand, you may love country line dancing. Maybe you always have an extra little swivel in your hips as you do your grapevines. That’s the kind of thing you’re looking for: movements that feel fun and authentic to your body.
It sounds like you may have some discomfort with your body in general (don’t worry, most of us do!), so finding a physical activity that feels good to you could be a huge boost to your self-confidence. It could be some form of dance, or maybe a different kind of exercise. Try to find a type of movement that your body enjoys, and spend some time doing that every day. Notice what your body feels like as it twists, turns, and wiggles!
2. Practice On Your Own
When it comes to specific movements to make during intercourse, masturbation offers a great opportunity to practice finding the movements that make you feel in tune with your sexuality. Lie on your back, and try rocking your hips back and forth as you touch yourself. (Back would be tilting your pelvis towards your butt, and forward would be tilting towards your head.) This is the most simple movement you can make.
Play around with wider and smaller ranges of movement. Try rocking your hips as far in either direction as you physically can, then try moving them just an inch in either direction. Then try moving your hips side-to-side (left to right), or in different shapes, like figure eights (both vertically and horizontally) or circles. After that, experiment with moving different parts of your body (see below for more suggestions).
3. Mirror Your Partner
When you’re having intercourse with another person, you’ve got to find ways to meld your style of movement with theirs. Again, it’s just like dancing! In general, the partner who is on top is the one who has more control over how to move, simply because less of their body is encumbered. As you work on getting more comfortable with your movements, you can try taking your partner’s lead.
Here’s the most simple place to start if he's on top (or she's on top with a strap-on): as they thrust down into you, try tilting your hips up to meet your partner's. This will drive them even deeper into you, so it might feel great for both of you! As they pull out, tilt your pelvis away from them. The movement can be quite small; even just an inch or two in either direction is fine. You don’t want to pull away from them far enough that the penis ends up slipping out of you.
4. Experiment With Your Whole Body
I’ve focused on the pelvis thus far because it’s the simplest place to start. From there, you can experiment with moving other parts of your body. You can carry the pelvic tilt into your lower back by arching your back. This can be hot during doggystyle or bridge position. Try wiggling your butt around, thrusting your breasts out, or moving your legs further apart or closer together. You can also get your arms involved by touching yourself or wrapping your arms around your partner. Or try kissing your partner, nuzzling their neck, or making eye contact.
Allow yourself to experiment with different types of movement, and ask yourself, “does this feel good?” If it doesn’t, simply move on. If it does, keep at it!
5. Try Not To Get Stuck In Your Head
I want to reiterate that the point of moving around during sex is to make the experience pleasurable for you, not to put on a fake act for your partner. Let your body decide what to do, not your head.
There’s yet another good dancing comparison here: Have you ever been on the dance floor and been very conscious of the way you’re moving? It’s super awkward and uncomfortable, right? Now think about a time where you totally let loose and just allowed the music to move you. Way better, right? That’s what I mean about trying to get out of your head and into your body. As much as you can, try to focus on the physical sensations you feel during sex. Have fun!
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Images: Andreiandrade /Flickr; Giphy
