How To Stop Worrying About A Partner Cheating On You Once & For All

How to stop worrying about it:

It's a slippery slope, but the good thing is you can overcome it. "Couples can work through trust issues together by discussing past hurts and mistakes, and coming to an understanding of each other's wounds," Emily Pfannenstiel, LPC, LMHC, a therapist who focuses on relationship issues, tells Bustle.

This may be the time to air all the dirty little secrets, and make honesty a new rule, possibly along with a therapist. "A supportive counselor can help in facilitating healthy communication and boundaries, and can help each individual understand the root of his or her sense of lack, mistrust, and related behaviors," Pfannenstiel says.

Danielle Forshee, Psy.D and LCSW, adds that this type of disclosure would be especially prudent if you’ve realized your fears are impacting the overall health of the relationship. “Let's say that the projection causes fights and problems and the other party has no idea why. Then it's probably a good idea to say something.” After all, you don’t want to leave your partner guessing why you’ve become so anxious or even accusatory. But, she explains, if you’re able to rein in your concerns with solo therapy or other tactics, it’s not always necessary to share every detail of your romantic past with a current partner.

2. You Struggle With Trust Issues

If you have trust issues, it only makes sense you'd assume your partner is lying, cheating, and going behind your back. You inherently don't trust others, Golicic says, possibly based on past experiences, like being cheated on by an ex, or even betrayed by parents and friends.

In many ways, whatever was modeled to you as a child is often how you'll relate to others as an adult, Meredith Prescott, LCSW, a psychotherapist in NYC, tells Bustle. If your parents cheated on each other, she says, you may be more likely to expect the same in your own relationships. And the same is true if a past partner let you down, as that experience can be a very difficult one to overcome. Forshee echoes the importance of those formative moments: “Those experiences impact how we view the world, how we view our relationships, and how we interpret situations that we are exposed to in life. It's a filter that we have on that automatically creates trust issues in a situation where they may be none.”

How to stop worrying about it:

“Finding a couples therapist would be a great way to work through issues around cheating and betrayal,” Prescott says. You can go together, or find a therapist of your own to work through your past, so it no longer has a negative impact on your current relationship.

In addition to therapy, Forshee explains that you can work on some of the physical manifestations trust issues might be causing. “A lot of times when people have trust issues ... they also have an emotional response that's really distressing. And that emotional response usually leads to panic, increased heart rate, and a lot of anxiety.” She recommends strategies to help relax yourself, like diaphragmatic breathing or listening to a guided meditation on your phone, particularly ones that focus on progressive muscle relaxation.

3. You Have An Anxious Attachment Style

If you’re constantly worried about your partner cheating, your attachment style may play a role. Attachment theory was first developed in the 1960s by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Your personal attachment style is determined by how your caregivers interacted with you while you were young. If you had a consistent, attentive and supportive caregiver growing up, you’re more likely to develop a secure attachment style. As an adult, you can give your partner space and freedom in a relationship without feeling like they’re going to leave.

On the other hand, if you grew up with a caregiver who was inconsistent or wasn’t responsive to your needs, you may develop an anxious attachment style. As relationship coach Julie Teffeteller tells Bustle, this type of attachment is characterized by a deep desire to be close to your partner constantly. You’re more likely to fear rejection and abandonment.

How to stop worrying:

“You can try to overcome relationship anxiety and anxious attachment by looking at your attachment history to understand the way you relate to others, communicating with your partner about your anxieties so they can be empathetic to your needs and concerns, and using mindfulness exercises to disconnect from future worries so you can fully enjoy living in the present with your partner,” Teffeteller says.

4. You Don’t Feel Worthy of Love

If you don't have enough self-confidence to feel worthy of love, Golicic says, there's a greater chance you'll look for reasons to tell yourself that your relationship isn't working. This can stem from low self-esteem, as well as the three problems listed above.

When it comes to the connection between self-worth, trust, and cheating paranoia, Forshee explains a common thought process one might have: “If I don't love myself fully, because I don't believe that I'm capable of it, how could it be possible that someone could love me the way in which I cannot?” Believing you’re worthy of love therefore becomes a critical component in trusting someone else’s affections — and their fidelity.

How to stop worrying:

"Telling your partner about the work you need to do for yourself will let them know this is a past wound that you want to heal to have a better relationship," Golicic says. "It also helps to be vulnerable and share any insecurities you have in a relationship. Your partner may be able to help you work on that and feel more secure."

When it comes to working on your self-worth and self-confidence, there’s also lot you can do on your own that might gradually allay cheating fears over time, Forshee explains. “Go out there and be be productive. Do something that makes you feel good about your abilities, your skills, or your competence. Get a job or do some charity or volunteer work that makes you feel utilized,” she says. “Setting small goals for yourself over time and accomplishing them helps generate a more fulfilling sense of self worth.”

Whatever the root cause may be, if you find yourself always wondering, “Why am I so paranoid about my girlfriend cheating on me?” or, “Why do I always think my boyfriend is cheating?” it's always possible to reframe how you view yourself and the world.