Relationship Experts Don’t Like This Dramatic TikTok Trend

“We listen and we don’t judge.” That’s a sound you’ve likely heard on TikTok throughout the past couple of weeks as couples share their secrets — and try not to break up as a result.

The trend has over 188 million posts on the app, which means you get to watch countless duos repeat the phrase “We listen but we don’t judge” before taking turns admitting to things they’ve been hiding in their relationship. The goal is for no one to interject or comment on the other person's words. Everyone is simply supposed to listen while trying their hardest not to — you guessed it — judge.

It’s fun to watch when the couples reveal lighthearted secrets, like one person who admitted to using her partner’s towel to dry her feet and another who confessed he pretends not to see dog poop on the carpet so he doesn’t have to clean it up.

Other reveals go much deeper, though, like one man who confessed he has frequent dreams about dating other women, a woman who took a secret flight to follow her partner on vacation to make sure he wasn’t cheating, and a man who said he hides in the bathroom when life gets busy at home so that he doesn’t have to help his wife. Sounds rough, right? In the comments, one person quipped, “We listen and we get divorced.”

Although some of the participants of this trend may be exaggerating for the sake of going viral, there is some advice from experts about how to do this trend without causing serious issues in your relationship.

The Viral Trend, Explained

According to Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, this trend is all about venting the things you’ve been holding inside because you’re well aware they’re wrong. It’s also an outlet for couples to get real with one another in a structured, safe setting — but it isn’t guaranteed to stay civil.

Even though you aren’t supposed to judge or argue, Roos says it’s impossible to predict how you’ll react when you hear your partner admit to something heinous. The most viral TikToks show this happening in real-time as couples share their secrets and immediately get mad at one another or start to yell as they explain their reason for lying or being sneaky. Finding out your partner has been keeping something from you is never easy to process.

While relationship experts recommend being honest and unearthing buried problems in a calm setting (aka, without a camera recording in your face), it also isn’t a good idea to overwhelm each other with multiple confessions simultaneously, especially if they’re all dramatic.

“Don’t use this trend as an opportunity to tell your partner that you have been dishonest with them, you avoid spending time with them, or you are cheating on them,” says therapist Patricia Bathurst, LMFT. “This is not the right way to bring up serious issues like this.” Instead, big reveals might require a trip to couple’s therapy, says Bathurst, and sometimes it might even be best to break up.

This trend would be cute — though not nearly as viral — if couples were only using it to admit to simple things, like using their SO’s shampoo or hiding their favorite snacks. It could also be an outlet to admit past mistakes or habits that are lighthearted and make everyone laugh, but according to relationship experts, you shouldn’t do much more than that.

Sources:

Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist

Patricia Bathurst, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist