How To Actually Afford Your Family’s Exorbitant Gift Swap

If you’re part of a big gift-swapping family, then you know how much energy goes into shopping online and scouring the stores in search of holiday presents for your siblings, parents, first cousins, second cousins, nieces, and everyone’s dog. You know how quickly the cost can add up, too.

Instead of a fun whirlwind of wrapping paper, ribbons, and bows, a gift swap can turn into an actual financial burden that makes you dread December — and this is especially true if your fam tends to have a “go hard or go home” mentality in which everyone is encouraged to buy multiple gifts.

“I have six nieces and nephews,” Gemma, 31, tells Bustle. “My sister and I actually had a fight because she expected me to get her a gift — and a gift for each of her kids.” As a grad student, Gemma doesn’t have extra money to pay for that many presents. And as someone who is child-free, she says it often feels like the gift-buying ritual in her family is inherently lopsided.

Katrina, 27, also comes from a family that likes to exchange gifts — but after moving and paying for her wedding, she says it’s tough to keep up with expectations. “I’m the oldest of four kids, and it feels like holiday gift exchanges are becoming [more and more] exorbitant,” she tells Bustle. While she enjoys giving gifts, Katrina says it feels like her siblings try to outdo themselves each year, and the tradition has officially surpassed her budget.

So many gift swaps focus on quantity, and that’s true even if you come from a smaller pack. “My family is tiny, but we like to go all-out on Christmas,” says Jen, 35. “It’s fun to open a million gifts and to treat each other to a special moment, but I literally spend hundreds of dollars each year to make it happen — and I don’t know if it would ever be OK to stop.”

Talking About Money Is Tough

If you can’t afford your family’s gift swap, it might feel like you’re the Grinch incarnate come to ruin the holidays. But according to Meredith Van Ness, LCSW, a therapist, coach, and owner of Balanced + Well Counseling and Coaching, it’s more than OK to set boundaries when it comes to how much you’re willing to spend. Here’s how to broach the subject.

1. Brace Yourself For Big Reactions.

Telling someone no or attempting to change a long-standing holiday tradition can be challenging, especially when it holds sentimental value for your family, says Van Ness. So don’t be surprised if you’re met with hurt feelings or resistance.

“It’s so important to remember that you’re not a bad person if you don’t want to give as many gifts,” she tells Bustle. “Your choices in gift-giving should be guided by your financial situation, personal beliefs, and emotional capacity.”

2. Assure Everyone The Gift Swap Will Live On.

Let’s say your sister crumbles over the idea of forgoing gift-giving. Assure her that this is only about setting a budget — and not about giving up the tradition entirely. According to Van Ness, it’ll help to express how much you love exchanging gifts and how appreciative you are, but that you’re simply looking for more balance.

3. Be Honest About Your Finances.

It’s never fun to talk money, but you might also need to communicate what, exactly, you’re struggling with. Maybe the financial strain of overspending on gifts is leading to stress and anxiety, says Van Ness. Or maybe you won’t be able to afford your rent in January if you spend too much money in December. Giving real-life examples should help everyone understand this isn’t about them.

4. Start Small.

“If the idea of changing long-standing traditions seems daunting, consider making small adjustments initially,” says Carrie Torn, LCSW, a licensed therapist in North Carolina. “This can make the transition smoother for everyone involved.” For example, you could announce that you’ll be buying one small gift for each family member, instead of five.

5. Propose Alternative Ideas.

Torn suggests going into this convo with alternative ideas at the ready. Whether you suggest a spending limit, a gift exchange, or opting for experiences over material gifts, everyone will appreciate knowing there are other ways to celebrate. (More on that below.)

More Affordable Gift Swap Ideas

Instead of showing up to the family gift swap feeling like (a totally broke) Santa with a full bag of gifts over your shoulder, try one of these more affordable options.

1. Draw Names Out Of A Hat.

Take the time to draw names out of a hat so that everyone has just one person to shop for — and that’s it.

For Katrina, this is the method that works best for her family’s swap. “We've done it for the past three years, and it’s so relieving — financially and emotionally,” she says. “No one gets offended, as we have a hard rule of no extra gifts and a strict budget.”

2. Set A Budget Cap.

Setting a budget or spending limit is another good option. Choose an amount, like $20 per person, and agree that everyone sticks to it no matter what. This is the approach Gemma decided to take — and it’s been working out.

“Usually I won’t spend more than $10 to $20 per family unit,” she says. It allows her to save money while keeping the fun and excitement alive. “My 8-year-old niece still has the sh*tty plush headphones I got her from Five Below. She loves them because they’re from me.”

3. Start New Traditions.

According to Van Ness, there are plenty of ways to celebrate the holidays without spending a penny. Ask if your family likes the idea of getting together for a recipe exchange or potluck, a crafting spree, or a mini excursion. “Explore local holiday events, such as tree-lighting ceremonies, parades, or community festivals,” she says. “It’s a great way to celebrate the season without emptying your wallet.”

4. Make It Personal.

Another way to save money? Consider all the different personalities in your family and adjust your spending accordingly.

Instead of giving your mom yet another sweater that she’ll never wear, ask her if she’d like to come over for a holiday-themed movie night. Meanwhile, if your dad would be completely heartbroken without a gift, invest your money in him. As Van Ness says, it becomes more about the sentiment than the specific item.

5. Give One Big Gift To Your Family.

If you hate the idea of spending money all season long, give yourself a budget and throw it all into one meaningful gift.

“This year, I’m doing a family gift for everyone, myself included, and we are going to purchase a desktop computer that we can all use,” Van Ness says. “I cannot wait, even though I will be buying it and wrapping it.”

Sources:

Meredith Van Ness, LCSW, therapist, coach, owner of Balanced + Well Counseling and Coaching

Carrie Torn, LCSW, licensed therapist in North Carolina