20 Valentine's Day Tips For New Couples, Straight From Relationship Experts

Since your relationship is on the newer side, you might not know how your partner feels about Valentine's Day. Do they like to go all-out with ritzy restaurant reservations? Or are they more of a heart-shaped cookie kind of person? It’s time to find out.

"People have very different opinions and expectations about Valentine’s Day," Bennett says, which is why you’ll need to have an open and honest convo as you head into February.

“Communication is key,” adds counselor Kailey Hockridge, LPCC. “This doesn't have to be a ‘serious’ talk but it is a great opportunity for new partners to learn more about what they each care about and how to express their care or appreciation in ways their partners understand and can appreciate.”

To prevent any unnecessary stress ahead of Valentine’s Day, do yourselves a favor and have this chat as early as possible, says relationship therapist Evon Inyang, LMFT. “Talk about it before February 14th rolls around,” she tells Bustle, instead of waiting until the night before. That way you won’t have to worry for weeks ahead of the big day, which is something that could lead to hurt feelings, snippy tiffs, and the sense that something unspoken is hanging in the air.

If you can’t find a smooth way to bring up Valentine’s Day, try discussing your love languages, aka the concept of how you like to give and receive love. Do you like to show love by giving gifts, spending quality time together, or sharing words of affirmation? It can make for a fun chat, and it can also help lead to what you want to do for the holiday.

This is also helpful info to have in general. According to Hockridge, some folks are uncomfortable with big displays of affection, so it’s good to know the facts instead of just assuming what your partner likes. The more transparent you are with each other, the better.

While surprises can be fun, you can remove some of the pressure this year by being crystal clear about what you want to do on V-Day, says licensed psychologist Dr. David Helfand, PsyD. A quick, “Hey babe. Let’s buy each other flowers and get pizza” could be all it takes, so be brave and blurt it out. That way no one will have to guess or stress.

A big part of Valentine's Day is the gift-giving segment, which often means doling out flowers, cards, and presents. But if it’s your first time celebrating together, you probably won’t know what’s right versus what feels like too much.

When in doubt, Becca Hirsch, M.A., LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, recommends matching your gift to your level of intimacy. If you’ve only been together for a month, a more casual gift like a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers is perfect.

If it’s coming up on a year and you’ve already dropped the L bomb, that’s when you might want to do something bigger, like a weekend getaway or a fancier dinner.

"That being said, it really does depend on the relationship and what precedent has already been set,” says Hirsch. This is why chatting comes in handy as you decide what’s right.

Another thing to keep in mind when choosing a gift? It’s always the thought that counts. “The reason gifts are so special is that they show the person that you are thinking of them,” says licensed mental health counselor José Ramirez. “The intention behind the gift is what matters most. This simple reframe can save you a lot of headaches.”

This is also why handmade gifts are extra adorable. Imagine printing out all the photos from your recent trips so they have hard copies or creating punch cards for things you can do together as a couple. It would barely cost any money, yet would mean so much.

If it looks like the pressure to plan is falling all on you or your partner, then speak up and decide as a team what you’d like to do together, says Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor. While it might be awkward to bring it up, especially if your relationship is brand new, it could quickly turn into a fun conversation where you’re both spitballing ideas and getting excited about the big day.

When you're in a new relationship, it can take a while to get to the staring-at-each-other-across-a-candlelit-table stage, and that's OK. You can still go out while keeping it casual.

Hirsch recommends a fun, low-pressure setting, like a bar with live music, a chill cafe, or the pizza shop where you first met. Remove the candles from the situation, and it’ll put you both at ease.

You can also keep the mood light and lively with a fun outing. This is a good moment to go bowling, ice skating, or bike riding — anything that’ll allow you to spend time together without having to hold sustained eye contact.

There’s no need to pretend you’ve been together for 10 years on Valentine’s Day. In fact, you can embrace it. “For a new couple celebrating Valentine's Day, I might suggest a special date surrounding the idea of ‘getting to know each other better,’” says Dawn Moore, LMFT.

The early days of dating are already about getting to know one another better, but you can take it a step further by asking each other fun questions, filling each other in on the important family lore, taking personality quizzes — you get the idea.

Spend the day at home sharing your answers or make it the topic of conversation over dinner.

The 36 Questions to Fall in Love are always a hit. “These questions are a great way to get to know your partner because they stair-step in terms of intimacy, and can teach you a lot about [one another,]” says Sara Sloan, LMFT, CST, IRT, a marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist.

These Qs come from the New York Times and are a classic dating staple. They’ll give you something fun to talk about on V-Day, whether you’ve been dating for a week or a year.

Since your new relationship is a blank slate it means you can drop all the expectations that don’t feel right and replace them with something that’s a better fit. And that includes creating your own Valentine's Day tradition.

"On your first Valentine’s Day as a couple, consider making it special in a way you’d like to repeat every year," Christine Scott-Hudson, MA, MFT, ATR, a licensed psychotherapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle.

It might mean choosing a restaurant that you can return to every Feb. 14. It might mean going off the beaten path and trying something completely new, like staying home and baking a cake. Valentine’s Day could also become the day you go to your favorite record store and choose a new album for one another. The world is your oyster.

When in doubt, it’s always fun to lean into the cheesiness of the day. "Have fun with it, regardless of how corny others may think it is, or even if you've perceived Valentine's as corny in the past," says Jennifer Weaver-Breitenbecher MA, CAGS, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist.

To go all out, create a slideshow of your love from the past three months, wear matching pink and red outfits and bop around town, or read poetry to each other in a dramatic Shakespearian tone. If it’s mildly embarrassing, you’re doing it right.

You may even find that this vibe actually fits how you've been feeling. "During the first nine to 12 months of dating someone, our bodies are coursing with dopamine and serotonin, your feel-good neurotransmitters," Weaver-Breitenbecher tells Bustle. “So you often want to scream your feelings for someone from a rooftop."

There’s also the option to have an anti-Valentine’s Day party. If this feels more your speed, go ahead and plan a day that has nothing to do with hearts and roses and is unique to you and your partner.

“Maybe instead of flowers or chocolate you decide on a cooking class or watching a horror movie on a different day in February that can become special to you and your partner exclusively,” says Sculler. Make it as un-Valentine-y as possible.

Tell your partner about a Valentine’s Day memory from when you were younger, says Sculler, and it could help you chat about the big day in a fun way. Talk about how your second-grade class exchanged cards or how you’d always bake pink cupcakes with your grandparents. Sharing memories is a cute way to broach the subject without making it feel too heavy — and it’ll also help you feel more connected.

Whatever you do, don’t open Instagram to see what other couples are doing on Valentine’s Day, especially the ones who have been together for years. They’re in an established relationship, so it won’t be fair to compare.

The same is true for scrolling through the Valentine’s Day tags on TikTok. As Kara Lissy, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist at A Good Place Therapy, tells Bustle, avoiding social media “will help you keep the focus on your own feelings and relationship, and help you decide how and if you want to celebrate.”

Once you get potentially tough convos out of the way, sit back and see where the day takes you. "Valentine’s Day can be stressful for many new couples since they hope to make a good impression and worry about disappointing their partner," says Bennett, but don’t be too hard on yourself. As the day approaches, remember there are no hard and fast rules for Valentine's Day, and that means there is no “right and wrong.”

While Feb. 14 offers a great opportunity to show your partner some extra love, you also have the opportunity to share that love with yourself.

“Valentine's Day is a day for love and romance, but that doesn't have to stop at focusing on your significant other,” says Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist. “Consider what makes you feel loved and cared for and see if there is anything you can do for yourself.”

This is also a great backup plan if you decide not to do anything as a couple, too. You can always stay in and treat yourself to a self-care night with a face mask, a sweet treat, and a glass of bubbly.

Instead of focusing on grand gestures on Valentine’s Day, Francis suggests making a pact to treat each other with exceptional kindness throughout the entire year. This is important for all relationships, especially new ones where you want to set the precedent for long-term happiness. In fact, you could use V-Day as a time to check in and see how you both feel.

Remember, your new partner is also quietly Googling what to do on Valentine’s Day, and they’re probably equally worried about doing too much or not doing enough. Until you get your traditions sorted out, it’ll help to manage your expectations when it comes to how the day pans out.

If you don’t get it right this time around, that’s OK. The first Valentine’s Day together is more of a learning experience. If it all goes awry, you can always try again next year.