What To Say To Someone Who’s Leaving You On Read

If the reasoning behind their silence is unclear, it’s valid to ask if they’re all right, especially if not hearing from them for a while is incredibly unusual. “You can reach out to them in any capacity, be it email, text, or phone call, with the understanding that they might not respond,” Hoffman says. “Remember to have empathy and share your concern that you have not heard from them.” If things get really concerning as you just get radio silence back, try reaching out to someone else close to them, such as a family member.

“If there was a conflict, your friend’s silent treatment may be their way of processing and taking space to figure out how to respond,” Jackman says. Some people struggle with healthy communication and need time to deal with fights or disagreements. If that’s the case, she says, give them space, but be willing to listen to their concerns when they resurface, and to communicate how you feel in a thoughtful way.

Feeling down that they’ve disappeared and not sure why? “Express sadness in the newfound distance of the friendship,” Hoffman says. This isn’t meant to sound manipulative; it’s to tell them you value the relationship and their disappearance has impacted you.

“No matter how close you are to someone, you will never know their every thought, every fear, every experience,” Hoffman says. Something may be going on, related to you or not, and you have no idea about it. If you choose this path, prepare to listen to their response, even if it might be confrontational or upsetting (or have nothing to do with you at all).

“Sometimes the answer might not be what we want to hear,” Jackman says. They might be angry or need space without wanting to give you an explanation, and that can feel really hurtful. At that point, she says, process your emotions independently without taking them out on your friend.

Sending this text is only a good idea if you really don’t know why your friend might be leaving you on read. If you had an argument, this could come across as you ignoring the problem altogether. On one hand, this tactic can be reassuring to a friend who maybe thinks things are awkward between you or that you might be upset at their lack of communication, Jackman says, but try not to send too many messages or force a conversation before they want to talk to you.

Silence post-fight is pretty common, and even if you’re sure you’re right, take the cooling-off time to look at how the issue played out. “Acknowledging your role in the situation can reassure them that you can communicate honestly,” Jackman says. “For example, you can apologize and ask when they might be ready to talk.” If you’ve hurt them and they don’t want to talk to you, honor the space and time they need.

Intentional silence, Jackman says, is a boundary designed to help your friend process their feelings. It may be difficult to swallow, but it might be helping them. And it can be good for them to know you’ll let them have space. “Expressing any sort of anger or disappointment might only hurt the relationship further,” Hoffman says. Don’t engage in an arms race of silence or aggression if you can help it; just keep things civil.

If it’s been longer than usual since you’ve spoken to your friend, they could also be looking for a way to reconnect with you, but might feel bad about leaving you on read for so long. Asking a low stakes question like this that relates to something you already know they have going on in their life might give them the opening they were looking for. And when you get talking together, “if it’s a bit awkward, ask them open-ended questions,” life coach Desiree Wiercyski previously told Bustle. “It’ll keep the pressure off of you and make them feel good because they get to talk about themselves and the awesome stuff they’ve been doing.”

Friends go silent for a multitude of reasons, and it could be unrelated to you completely. “Sometimes when people withdraw in relationships, they are dealing with their guilt or sense of inadequacy,” Jackman says. “Sending a text letting them know that you care for them and are available to talk when they are ready can be a source of comfort.” Just be prepared for the scenario in which they don’t get back to you right away, as some people need time to process how they are feeling and decide when they want to get back to chatting — and that’s OK.

Misunderstandings are often the root of the silent treatment, in a variety of different ways. Sometimes things get misconstrued over text messages — from both sides — which is why meeting in person is a good idea. “Acknowledge that you haven’t connected in a while and simply ask if they’re interested in getting together,” Wiercyski said. This is also better than a vague “let’s grab coffee” kind of text, as you are putting a sense of timing into it. It shows that you want to reconnect with them soon. If they don’t reply to this within the timeframe you suggested, then you might just need to give them time, whatever their reason may be.