Going one on one can be a lot of pressure. If you’ve got a mutual friend — maybe someone who introduced you — ask them to start the chat so you can both riff off them. “When there is another person in the circle or in the space it takes away some of the pressure to fill the silence,” Hoffman says. If there are a few mutuals, Jackman recommends picking one who has an easy time starting conversations and helps out during pauses.

“Bring up the elephant in the room,” Hoffman says. “Expressing that you feel nervous or uncomfortable in a social situation can be a great icebreaker.” Being self-effacing may make them feel more comfortable too. Jon Levy, a behavioral psychologist adds that being vulnerable can actually make people feel more trusting towards you, because it shows you’re willing to let your guard down a little.

“If you experience any anxiety in social situations, it’s very helpful to get the person you are engaging with talking,” Hoffman says. Asking questions has the added bonus of making the other person feel comfortable. Express real interest in their life and what they like. Don’t know much about them? Levy tells Bustle that finding points of commonality can help you bond quickly with others — he even has a Get To Know You Bingo game where you can find random questions to ask (“what’s your dream exotic pet?” is an example).

“Try to bring up topics that you feel excited to talk about,” Hoffman says. Your enthusiasm can be infectious and give them an open invitation to ask questions or supply their own stories about how they’re spending their time. Letting them in on your plans also creates a feeling of intimacy.

If you do have somebody in common, that’s a potential bonding point. And if the mutual friend isn’t in the group chat, you can share that embarrassing time in middle school when they mushed apple sauce in your hair.

If you’re really not feeling the plain conversation angle, consider sending them something cool to do instead. “Choose an activity that requires you to be engaged fully or that will take the pressure off having to engage in sustained dialogue,” Jackman suggests. Send an article for them to read, or a TikTok to watch, that you can then discuss over coffee.

Share a ridiculous or out-of-the-ordinary anecdote about your own recent life, to let them feel they’re seeing a more intimate side of you. It could also spur them to share their own experiences of similar things (“Oh my god, my photocopier sprayed toner on me too!”)

Giving them a running commentary of a first-time attempt at something — particularly if it’s an activity that they mentioned, like cooking a pasta sauce or playing Mass Effect — can be a good way to start a conversation. They can give you tips, and you can revel in your victories (or share your minor failures).

“My number one recommendation is to revolve the social interaction around an experience,” Hoffman says. If you know you’ve both seen or experienced something similar recently — a movie, a TV show, a new coffee at a café you both like — ask how they felt about it. If you have different opinions, that’s an opportunity to nudge further.

Nothing works like flattery — and asking for somebody’s expertise on something they really like is a great way to get them talking. Are they really into red wine? Obscure French films? Sustainable fashion? Social justice organizations that need donations? Ask them for their best tips.

Daydreaming together can be a fun bonding activity — particularly when it comes to sharing aspirations you could do together one day. Pick up on something they’ve previously mentioned; if they’re into books, ask what author they’d love to have dinner with, for instance.