12 Signs Something Is Missing In Your Relationship

Being someone's "everything" may seem romantic. But if your partner came into the relationship with a few friends and hobbies, and have integrated themselves into your life entirely, that's a pretty telling sign they might not be enough for you.

"They don’t have their own life," Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, relationship therapist and founder of online relationship community, Relationup, tells Bustle. "They have adopted your friends, your interests and you seem to be the planner and initiator in the relationship. You feel as if they don’t bring a lot to the table," and as a result, you may feel frustrated.

If you think your partner needs to be more independent in your relationship and have more outside interests, it's worth having a talk with them. Having space in a relationship is healthy for couples, and could help your partner bring more to the relationship.

It's healthy for you and your partner to spend time with other people in your lives, like your friends and family. But when you're serious about having a committed relationship with someone, it's important to nurture that relationship and make it a priority. If your partner makes you feel like other people in their life are more important than you, there may be something missing in your relationship.

As psychotherapist Meredith Prescott, LCSW tells Bustle, this can create a challenging dynamic in your partnership. "Spending time with others is healthy in every relationship," Prescott says. "But if your partner is consistently letting you down or not spending quality time with you to be with others, this can be problematic." It's hard to trust that your partner is reliable and will be there for you when you need them if they constantly put other people ahead of you.

It’s no surprise that relationships require work from both parties. And as Erin K. Tierno, LCSW-R, psychotherapist who specializes in relationships, tells Bustle, "If you are the only one doing the heavy lifting, then it might be time to consider seeking out a partner who is willing to show up for figuring out the hard stuff as a team."

Relationships involve caring for you, your partner, and the relationship itself. You shouldn't be the only one initiating check-in texts or calls, planning date nights, or bringing up issues that need to be discussed. A partner who's serious about being in a relationship with you will have no problem doing their part.

If you feel like your partner isn't contributing their share to the relationship, have an honest discussion with them about how you feel. They might not even realize they haven't been pulling their weight, and may be open to doing more.

If you feel like you and your partner are moving in different directions — you want to live in different places, have different goals financially, disagree on whether to get married or have kids, for instance — then these are pretty big red flags that your relationship may not be fulfilling for you, Stef Safran, matchmaker and dating expert, tells Bustle.

"You have to be realistic that people tell you things to give you information, not to have their minds changed down the line," she says. If your partner is open to discussing and compromising on some of these major decisions, then there is still potential for things to work out. But if you can't find a solution that works for the both of you, this may be a dealbreaker.

If you’re with someone you love and they aren’t ready to move to the next stage in your relationship, they may not be enough for you. As Elizabeth Cobb, LCSW the founder and lead therapist of Cobb Psychotherapy, tells Bustle, "If you're dating someone in medical school, with all the years of training and study ahead, they won’t likely be ready to settle down for a while. You may be in love but if your timeline is different it may be time to part ways for the meantime," she says.

This doesn't mean things can't work out in the future, but if timing is causing issues for you and your partner, it may be time to evaluate if what they can offer you in the present works for you.

As Gabrielle Applebury, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle, it’s not easy to find a partner who can fulfill all of you, but the right partner is one you can be honest with, trust, and work through problems with together.

If you have any sort of nagging doubt about them, matchmaker Susan Trombetti tells Bustle, that's a sign they might not be enough for you. "Perhaps they aren’t as outgoing as you and you seek out others while they seek solace. Sometimes they don’t want children and you won’t feel complete until you have children. It can really vary," Trombetti says. Listen to your gut and see what it's telling you.

Matchmaker Emily Holmes Hahn tells Bustle that the biggest sign your partner isn’t enough for you is if they don’t challenge you. “Intellectually, you need someone who mentally stimulates you and who you don't get bored talking to,” she says. “Physically too, you need to be challenged by a partner who you're excited to be with intimately, and who you don't just fall into a routine with."

When you're with someone who challenges you in different ways, there's opportunity for constant growth and having a relationship that evolves.

If you’ve asked your partner to spend more time with your friends and family, and they’ve responded by giving you numerous excuses, this is worth paying attention to. According to Prescott, this may be a sign that your partner is unwilling to put forth the effort you need from them.

If you don’t mind doing what your partner asks of you, but they constantly refuse your requests, this isn’t likely to change on their part. “This might not be the right relationship for you because you may be putting in more than you are receiving,” Prescott says. “Healthy relationships are a two-way street that require mutual understanding and compromise. When someone is not willing to do things after you have explicitly asked, the message is ‘your needs don't matter to me.’”

In a mature relationship, both partners take accountability for their behaviors. They won’t minimize the other person’s feelings or say disrespectful things to each other. If your partner ever makes you feel like you’re the problem in the relationship, you may want to rethink whether this relationship is right for you.

Chances are, if your partner doesn’t take accountability, they’re not going to change, no matter how often you argue or try work through it. “People who don't take accountability often blame their partners,” Prescott says. “It makes it very hard to have a healthy relationship with this type of person. It often results in one person making sacrifices and denying their own needs, which can ultimately lead to resentment.”

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable and fighting can be healthy, if done the correct way. But “when you start to constantly lock horns with your partner to the point that any conversation devolves into conflict, it could mean that both of you are placing emotional protection above emotional connection,” psychotherapist Skylar Ibarra, LCSW tells Bustle. And the more you feel emotionally neglected, the more you will shut down.

If you feel like you’ve grown as a person, but your partner is still at the same place they were in you first started dating, this could be a potential issue. “I see this all the time in couples who got together in their early 20s,” Ibarra says. “When we meet someone at the beginning of adulthood, we assume they’re going to continue to develop and grow because it’s what we expect for ourselves. Logically we expect it for others, so it can be frustrating and lonely when the person we love is consistently falling short of what we want in our ‘leveled up’ adult life.”

If you’re starting to feel embarrassed about bringing your partner around your family, you're constantly making excuses for them, or you find yourself pressuring them to clean up their mistakes, you may not be in sync anymore.

The right partner for you will add value to your life. Despite any challenges that you may face, they’ll make fighting for the relationship feel worth it.

“Some people are takers and don’t offer anything of substance to make you a better version of yourself,” Tarquez Bishop, dating and relationship coach, tells Bustle. “A better ‘you’ makes for a better relationship.” If your partner isn’t pushing you to be better, or they’re constantly bringing out the worst in you, this may not be the right relationship for you.

What Should You Do If You Realize That Your Partner Might Not Be Enough?

It’s important to take a step back and really think about whether or not you can live with whatever you feel is "missing" with your partner. Haifa Barbari, love coach and author, suggests asking yourself whether it’s an area of your own life that’s lacking, or a genuine dissatisfaction with your partner and your relationship. If it really has something to do with the latter, consider whether it’s something that can be worked out.

“If the answer is no, or you’ve tried and are still feeling lack and dissatisfaction in your relationship, then it's time to let them go kindly using the three-C closure conversation framework to guide a mature breakup conversation,” Barbari says.

First, open the conversation up with a compliment. Mention things you really appreciate your partner to set a kind, positive, and loving tone, Barbari says. Next, communicate how you really feel while being mindful of their feelings. Finally, close with clarity. If you’re looking to break up for good, be honest and direct about it. If you’re unsure whether breaking up is really what you want to do, try asking your partner for space with the intention of talking things out once you have clarity yourself.

Either way, be honest with yourself. “Self-honesty will always guide you to the place that is right for you,” Barbari says.