20 Signs Your Partner Has Anxiety, According To Psychologists

While your partner might be a night owl who simply loves staying up late, this habit is also a very common sign of anxiety, Dr. Jaclyn Lopez Witmer, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist with Therapy Group of NYC, tells Bustle. Same goes for tossing and turning in bed, waking up in the middle of the night, and complaining about feeling tired all the time.

“A lot of people also notice that their partner who is experiencing anxiety may be more forgetful than usual or seem more preoccupied” Witmer says, which may explain why they constantly leave the door open, lose their keys, etc.

Witmer adds an anxious partner might also appear to be distracted in general. Like when you’re having a conversation, it’ll seem as if their mind is elsewhere or they aren’t really listening. And that’s because checking out, Witmer says, is a way for anxious folks to cope with difficult thoughts and emotions.

Does your partner startle easily, pace around, or tap their foot? If so, they’ve might have had one too many coffees. Or they might have anxiety, Witmer says, which can make people appear jumpy and uneasy.

If you constantly struggle to see eye-to-eye, take note. “You may be speaking based off of logic [while] an anxious partner is speaking from a place of emotion,” Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells Bustle.

The best thing to do when convos go awry? Remain calm and compassionate. “Empathizing is also helpful,” she says, “so if you can tap into your own experience of a time when you were anxious about something, you can listen and connect and open up all the communication with your partner.”

If your partner can’t stop talking about worst case scenarios, consider it another potential sign of anxiety, Jackson says. This particular symptom will make it seem like they worry about everything or that they almost enjoy zeroing in on the negatives in life — even though that totally isn’t the case.

If your partner has an anxiety disorder, “their sex drive will likely decrease,” Morgan Goulet, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. “This is because their body is under stress and the high cortisol suppresses the sex hormones that impact [desire].”

Of course, if they aren’t interested, they aren’t interested. But you might want to ask if a hug, or some other form of contact, would be comforting. “Touch is so incredibly healing and sometimes just being held can do wonders for anxiety,” Goulet says. “Physical touch increases levels of dopamine and serotonin, which helps to regulate our mood and relieve stress.”

It’s never fun when things go wrong — like if your car breaks down or you’re running late to work — but for folks with anxiety, these moments can be positively unbearable. Instead of “handling it like an adult,” your partner might start crying or shut down due to overwhelming emotions.

If you can’t figure out what to do, go ahead and ask. “Everyone has different things they find helpful when they're feeling anxious,” Goulet says. “Don't make assumptions about what will work and instead ask them how you can help.”

Anxiety can also cause a sense of overwhelm in far less tense situations. As Jackson says, it’s possible your partner might start to shut down whenever they need to “initiate action,” which can put a lot of strain on your life together as a couple. Think along the lines of not being able to choose a movie decide where to go for lunch, or complete a chore around the house.

You might also notice that your partner seems to experience “rapid and intrusive thoughts,” Jackson says. This is a hallmark symptom of anxiety that can make it seem like your partner is always worrying about the weirdest things, or like they’re constantly changing the subject while they talk.

Their thoughts are running a mile a minute, and it can leave you feeling confused or at a loss for how to help them stay on track. So the next time it happens, let your partner know that you aren’t following, and encourage them to slow down.

One way to do so? “Incorporate things like deep breathing,” Goulet says. “If you notice your partner appears anxious, take a few moments to breathe together. This slows down the nervous system and helps you regulate.”

“Anxiety drives autonomic nervous system activity, which can produce physical symptoms,” Josh Klapow PhD, a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. So if your partner’s body is in constant overdrive, they’ll likely experience ongoing stomachaches, headaches, dizziness — even sweaty hands and heart palpitations.

People with anxiety tend to have a tough time coping with change, Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells Bustle, which may explain why your partner holds back from taking the next step in your relationship, moving away, leaving on from an unfulfilling job — the list of things they’ll try to avoid goes on and on.

Jackson says anxiety — particularly social anxiety — can make it hard for your partner to want to go out in public, which is why they may seem wary about stepping outside their comfort zone, traveling, meeting up for a double date, etc. If you want to go somewhere new, or introduce them to friends, they may even refuse to go.

The thing is, it’ll be up to your partner to decide how and when they’re willing to push past anxiety. So if you’re craving excitement and new experiences, “you might need friends or family who are willing to have the adventures that your partner isn‘t,” Daramus says. “You‘ll need to strike a balance between helping your partner manage the anxiety and still having a life of your own.”

While there are lots of reasons why someone might be irritable — and you certainly can’t chalk every bad mood up to anxiety — Klapow says irritability and lack of patience fall under the umbrella of anxiety. They’ll seem cranky and might even start to pick little fights.

“Anxiety causes you to experience more negative thoughts and over time this decreases your ability to tolerate everyday stress,” Goulet adds. “This can lead to your partner snapping at you over something you deem to be small — or just appearing to be in a bad mood.”

Just like an other mental health issue, anxiety can overshadow your partner’s personality and make them seem completely different. “Your partner may not seem like ‘themselves’ and may no longer want to participate in activities you used to enjoy doing together out of fear,” Goulet says. “They may also appear to be in a persistent state of unhappiness, which can of course also have an impact on your mood.”

While every relationship requires give and take, dating someone with anxiety may feel stressful, Daramus says, because you’re constantly taking care not to trigger them. You carefully choose what you say or what you ask for, as a way of avoiding stressing your partner out.

It’s a loving and kind way to be, but since it can also put strain on you and the relationship, it’s something you’ll want to talk about sooner rather than later.

Anxiety might even cause your partner to change how they eat. “Chronic anxiety sufferers may lose their appetite or, conversely, find that they eat too much in order to self-soothe,” Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear, tells Bustle. “When anxiety is not well-managed, the anxiety sufferer loses touch with self-regulation and healthy coping strategies that keep the body and mind well-balanced.”

“Anxiety heightens a person’s fight-or-flight response and this leads to an often chronic state of hypervigilance,” Manly says, which you might pick up on as tension.

Cue your partner checking their phone, over-preparing for trips, being on edge as you walk down the street — whatever they do, it’ll seem like they’re always “on” and thinking ahead to what might go wrong.

General anxiety can also reveal itself as anxiety within a relationship, typically as it relates to trust. “If one person has made a mistake or betrayed a partner in the past, there can be a lot of anxiety over whether they can be trusted again,” Dr. Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist, tells Bustle. This is why they might worry about your whereabouts or want to check in constantly. And it definitely warrants a conversation, Louis says, and possibly even therapy.

Being in a relationship means navigating life’s ups and downs as a duo. But when things get difficult, does it always seem like your partner is nowhere to be found?

“Anxiety almost always leads to avoidance, so you might notice your partner avoiding stressful situations,” Billy Roberts, LISW-S, a therapist who helps adults with anxiety, tells Bustle. These might include avoiding big conversations and shutting down during arguments, which can make it difficult to progress your relationship forward.