19 Types Of Fights That Mean You Should Probably Break Up

While you can expect to have the occasional spat with your significant other, fighting every day or fighting over major topics shouldn’t be ignored. In fact, experts say there are some common relationship fights that mean you should probably break up with your partner since they’re so often a sign of toxicity or lack of compatibility.

According to psychotherapist Cherrelle N. “Juice” Shorter, LCSW-S, constant bickering and circular arguments are the first red flag. “This revolving door of conflict contributes to either one or both parties feeling unheard, and if that persists long enough, can result in a breakup — or at the very least, a general dissatisfaction with your partner and the relationship,” she tells Bustle.

It also isn’t just about how often you fight, but how you fight. It’s one thing to bicker about what to watch on Peacock or where to go for dinner, but if you find yourselves screaming, yelling, lying, or gaslighting, that’s a whole different ballgame. Of course, the topic of the fight can also point to unfixable problems that’ll lead to a breakup.

If you are fighting with your partner about big issues — like fidelity, commitment, money, marriage, life goals, jealousy, and the like — now might be the right time to examine whether the relationship is truly working. Here’s what to know about arguing with your partner.

Problematic Fights In Relationships

Before we get into the types of fights that could lead to a breakup, it’s important to remember that not every relationship is perfect and happy 100% of the time. Shorter points to research by Dr. John Gottman, which found that 69% of conflict experienced in relationships is never-ending, meaning there are problems rooted in fundamental differences — and they may never go away.

“There are just some things coupled partners are not going to agree on,” she tells Bustle. “While this may sound like [a bad] omen to some, many have found comfort in this as they realize that conflict is not unique to their relationships.” Entering a relationship means you’re willing to compromise, find common ground in other ways, and appreciate each other’s differences.

“When handled correctly, conflict can even lend itself to mutual understanding and compassion, and can promote an overall sense of unison or ‘togetherness,’” she adds. That doesn’t mean you need to stir up drama, but overcoming an obstacle could help you feel closer. It’s all about coming together to work through your issues, and how that experience may help you bond.

All of that said, if you fight about these 21 topics it might mean you should consider breaking up, according to experts.

1. Your Relationship Feels One-Sided

A one-sided relationship can take many forms. You might argue with your partner over their lack of attention, the fact they don’t help around the house, or how you seem more invested — and it’s all a red flag.

"Relationships thrive when there is cooperation and a mutual exchange of curiosity and admiration," relationship coach Sara Russell tells Bustle. "If someone is acting unilaterally, and so focused on themselves that they can’t also take into account your experience and feelings, you may consider why you are in the relationship, and if staying is worth it."

2. You Fight About Dishonesty & Lies

It may seem obvious that you should break up with a partner who continuously lies, and yet you’d be surprised what you can get used to in a toxic relationship. While the occasional white lie is fine — like, “I love the coffee you made, babe” — take note if lying becomes a running theme.

If you and your partner are regularly fighting because they’re dishonest, especially when it comes to the big things — such as where they spent the night — you should definitely break up. Once that trust is gone, it’s over.

3. You Fight About Having Kids

If you and your partner find yourselves constantly fighting about what comes next, it’s time to take a closer look at whether you’re with the right person. While it’s typical to have unique, individual goals, there are some factors that just won’t end well if they are too different.

“Two individuals should rethink their relationship if they find themselves arguing about fundamental, irreconcilable, and unchangeable differences in the values they hold important, which may include themes such as monogamy and the desire to have children,” says licensed psychologist Chloe Greenbaum, Ph.D..

To prevent major conflict from popping up later on, it’s always a good idea to establish your non-negotiables and clarify what your vision for the future of the relationship will look like in the beginning. That means speaking up on dates and being honest from the jump. This ensures you and your partner won’t be on two completely different pages, and it can prevent you both from wasting your time.

4. Your Values Are Compromised

When fights start to pop up because you feel your values are being compromised in your relationship, it’s a major flag.

As Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking, tells Bustle, "No two people need to be carbon copies of each other, and it’s certainly OK to differ on your opinion about certain subjects, but if you can’t find any common ground on your values regarding things like child-rearing, trust, loyalty, and family, the relationship will have a hard time lasting."

If you start to feel like you’re doing all of the compromising and your partner isn’t meeting you halfway, it could lead to resentment. When you’re in a level-headed mindset, it may be a good idea to open a dialogue with them about these different values and how you both can play your part in making them work long-term.

5. You Fight Over Jealousy & Control

Jealousy has a bad connotation for a reason — it can majorly harm a relationship. Fights due to jealousy can tear a relationship apart and may even lead to controlling behavior.

"If you're in a relationship where you are constantly fighting about feeling controlled, you shouldn’t be together long-term,” David Simonsen, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. “It usually means your partner doesn’t feel confident about themselves and needs to control you to feel better about themselves." But it could also be a sign that you don’t trust each other, and that’s tough to fix.

6. You Fight About Money & Savings

It can take a minute to figure out how to approach finances in a new relationship. It starts with who pays for dinner and eventually becomes a chat about rent, bills, and more.

To deal with it as seamlessly as possible you’ll want to talk often and come up with a plan, but take note if you’re constantly butting heads about bills.

"If you find yourself consistently being questioned on how you spend money, this is a relationship to get out of," Simonsen says. The same is true if you have different ideas about saving and investing for the future. If one of you spends while the other saves, it can make for a rough ride.

"You need to find someone who you are financially compatible with,” he adds. “If not, there will be constant fights and hurt in the relationship."

7. You Fight Over Quality Time

Are you and your partner fighting a lot over the fact that friends, work, and hobbies take priority over spending time together?

If so, the relationship may not last. Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and relationship expert, tells Bustle, “Relationships take time and commitment, and just saying you're committed doesn't cut it. You have to walk the walk and talk the talk."

If your partner wants to spend their time working extra hours or going out with friends over seeing you, they may not be as serious about the relationship as you’d like them to be.

To fix the issue you can let them know how you feel and come up with a game plan for spending more time together, but get out fast if they’re unwilling to change.

8. You Fight In A Mean, Toxic Way

It’s not uncommon to say things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment, but it’s still a red flag if you and your partner consistently fight in a way that could be labeled toxic. Think yelling, name-calling, blaming, door slamming, etc.

According to dating and relationship coach Cheryl Muir, other signs of unhealthy conflict are when one or both parties inflict damage, create a deliberate lack of safety, or make comments that threaten the stability of the relationship, like “That’s it, I’m leaving!” If you’re regularly crying or packing bags, you may want to break up.

"At best, this shows there is deep inner work to be done if this person is willing," Muir says. "At worst, this is a sign you’re in an unhealthy connection." For times of conflict, it may be helpful to establish ground rules for those conversations. For example, agreeing not to talk over each other.

9. Your Fights Are All About Blaming

"Partners who repeatedly blame the other person, while refusing to take any responsibility for their own actions, are not safe," Jana Edwards, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating couples, tells Bustle. If your partner is constantly pointing fingers, take it as a sign.

This also includes people who insist on being the victim in the relationship instead of taking responsibility or clearly stating what they want. According to Edwards, "Safe relationships don't require mind-reading. They require a willingness to have conflicts that adhere to safety rules."

Agreeing to use “I” statements — like “I feel [emotion] when you do [negative behavior]” — during disagreements can help both of you get in the habit of owning your feelings and lessen the chances of casting blame.

10. You Fight About Monogamy

If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, it won’t feel good if your partner is constantly checking out other people, liking saucy pictures on Instagram, or doing things that make you feel like they might be cheating, like hiding their phone or staying out late at night.

According to Christie Tcharkhoutian, Ed.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, it isn’t likely a relationship will last if one partner is consistently betraying the other, whether it’s through emotional cheating or physical infidelity.

Just like the discussion about having kids, it’s important to talk early on about your boundaries and what counts as cheating. If they know how you feel but still have a wandering eye, it might be time to leave. This is a sign they don’t want the same things, they aren’t committed, or that they don’t respect you.

11. You Fight 24/7 Because You’re Tired

When you’re fighting with your partner every day, you may not even realize how often you’re bickering — or even what you’re truly upset about.

“People are not generally angry for the reasons they think they are,” Edie Weinstein, a licensed social worker who specializes in helping couples, tells Bustle. “Fights about money, intimacy, housekeeping responsibilities, or raising children often have their roots in either or both feeling unheard, unseen, and unappreciated."

It can create a sense of fatigue and overwhelm that you can’t quite shake, and it’s what puts you both on edge, making more arguments likely. If you can’t get out of the argument rut, rethink the relationship.

12. You Fight About Bedtimes & Routines

Again, you don’t have to be identical for a relationship to work, but you may struggle if there are a few differences in how you live your day, especially if you’ve been unable to hash out a plan that makes you both happy.

For instance, if you tell your partner you need to be in bed by a reasonable time every weeknight and they respond by arguing or purposefully keeping the lights on, you may want to rethink things. The same is true if you like to sleep in while they’re a morning person. While it might be cute at first, these types of fundamental differences can pile up and brew resentment.

As Lisa Concepcion, relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Bustle, spats over sleeping, downtime, or what to do on the weekend could be a sign of a bigger problem.

“If one person wants to party until two in the morning on a Wednesday night while the other person is in bed at 10, they are obviously in different seasons of their lives,” she says. When you and your partner have incompatible lifestyles, it’s likely to slowly erode your sense of contentment, leading to a breakup.

13. You Fight Over Small Things

In relationships, disagreements are inevitable. But according to Lesli Doares, marriage coach and author, it’s not only how often you fight but what sets you off that can predict the future of a relationship.

Are you screaming at each other over dishes in the sink? Are you giving each other the silent treatment because of a towel on the floor? If so, you may want to think deeply about your quality of life.

It could be a sign that you aren’t happy and thus are getting on each other’s nerves. It could be a sign that you feel unheard. It could also point to a lack of trust in the relationship, which rears its ugly head as a short fuse and frequent arguments. If you’re walking on eggshells 24/7 as a way to prevent a fight, get out ASAP.

14. You Never Understand Each Other

Nothing is more frustrating than a fight that goes around in circles. If that happens, it may be a sign that you aren’t listening to each other, that someone isn’t telling the full truth, or that you argue in an incompatible way.

"For example, one person may need to hash the problem out right away and be done with it. The other person may not ever want to discuss a problem and just bury it," Laura F. Dabney, M.D., a Virginia-based psychiatrist and relationship therapist, previously told Bustle. Couples counseling might be a necessary resource for both of you to work on healthier communication skills.

15. You’re Unrecognizable When Fighting

If you find yourself acting out of character when you argue, it may mean you’re losing track of yourself in this relationship — or that you’re unhappier than you realize. And the same is true if you’re not quite yourself in everyday life. Have you stopped seeing friends? Do you feel tired all the time?

“If you find yourself unrecognizable to yourself and loved ones, it may be a sign you should break up with your partner,” psychologist and breakup coach Joy Harden Bradford previously told Bustle. “We all change in some ways in relationships, but the changes shouldn't be so drastic that there is little to no trace of the person you were before.”

16. One Partner Threatens A Breakup

Although some people say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, threatening to end a relationship can be unkind and manipulative. According to India Simms, a licensed marriage and family therapist, you can disagree without reaching this level.

“If you're in a relationship and your arguments tend to hit below the belt, this could be a sign to break up,” she says. This is where the aforementioned “ground rules” can come in handy; when you have a heated conflict, agreeing to not interrupt each other, raise your voice, or make personal insults can keep communication healthy.

17. You Fight About The Same Thing

Take note if you’re still fighting about something that happened five years ago, a major problem — like cheating — that just can’t seem to resolve itself, or a similar issue that pops up week after week after week.

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “My partner and I fight a lot over the same old things,” and nothing has ever changed, it could mean things are moving toward the end.

According to Daniels, the key ingredient in any relationship is the ability and the willingness to work through issues. "If your partner is not interested in trying to work things out and turns a deaf ear to your concerns ... this is a relationship that will not sustain the test of time and one you should leave," she says.

A refusal for either party to change hurtful behaviors might require you to reconsider what you’re willing to accept and potentially consider ending the relationship.

18. You Fight About The Bedroom

Although many couples often forget to make it a priority, feeling desire for your partner is crucial to a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship.

“It's common for couples to simplify the struggle of different levels and types of desires but there is usually so much more to this pain point,” says Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, a psychotherapist and co-host of the Cheaper Than Therapy podcast. “Not feeling seen or appreciated, adopting a parental dynamic — where one partner is the parent, the other the child — not feeling emotionally safe... these are only a few issues that can lead to loss of desire.”

When you and your partner begin to feel resentment or even have arguments attached to not feeling desired in the relationship, consider ways you can boost intimacy and set aside intentional time to reignite the passion you once felt for each other.

19. You Fight About Attachment Styles

It can be tough to see eye-to-eye with a partner when you have different attachment styles. If one of you has an anxious attachment and the other one is avoidant, it makes sense why you’d argue all the time.

“One person's response to a desire for closeness and intimacy leads the other partner to shut down or run which then increases the other's need for closeness and reassurance. Without a lot of self-awareness and communication, this can be a huge barrier,” says Bennett. “This dynamic is hard to work with, but not impossible — and yet for many, it can be what breaks a relationship.”

To mitigate some of these issues, tools like seeing a therapist or resources like the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love can help.

20. You Fight About Codependency

Codependency refers to imbalanced relationships where one person enables another. While it might seem romantic to rely on each other to an intense degree, it can actually lead to a breakup.

“We are told through media and society that love should be codependent,” says Bennett. “We should lose ourselves, that someone should complete us, that we should give up our lives and our dreams when we find ‘the one’ — this leads to incredibly unhappy, unfulfilled, jealous, and anxious partnerships.”

These negative feelings can easily bubble up and cause some nasty fights with your partner, too. Rather than give in to what could be sneaky codependent tendencies, taking time for yourself or fostering the relationships you have outside of your romantic partner (with friends or family) might encourage you to balance your energy and attention, rather than spend it all on your partner.

21. You Fight Over Your Love Languages

Having different love languages can make a relationship rich. Imagine having a partner who shows their love through acts of service — like putting gas in your car — while you show it through physical touch, always hugging them in the morning.

The trouble is, if you don’t know and appreciate each other’s love languages, it can seem like one or both of you are slacking. Imagine a person who feels loved through gift giving being paired with a partner who never remembers to buy gifts. Or a partner who only feels loved when they get to spend quality time with an SO being paired with someone more about words of affirmation.

It could leave you both feeling unloved and misunderstood and unless you’re willing to talk about it, it could lead to a breakup.

Relationship Fights That Are NBD

Of course, not every fight means your relationship is on the rocks. There are plenty of disagreements — even recurring ones — that may be nothing to worry about. Think of minor spats about leaving the toilet seat up or tiffs that stem from pet peeves, like how one of you always leaves their shoes in the doorway.

These minor disagreements may be a pain in the neck at the moment, but they’re often growth opportunities — and they might even become a lovable quirk as time goes on. Navigating everyday issues allows you to strengthen your communication, compromise, and respect for each other, and, in turn, fosters healthier and more resilient relationships in the long run.

Expert Sources:

Sara Russell, relationship coach

Cheryl Muir, dating and relationship coach

Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking

Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and relationship expert

Lisa Concepcion, relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching

Cherrelle N. “Juice” Shorter, LCSW-S, psychotherapist

David Simonsen Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist

Jana Edwards, licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating couples

Chloe Greenbaum, Ph.D., licensed psychologist

Edie Weinstein, licensed social worker

Christie Tcharkhoutian, Ed.D., licensed marriage and family therapist

Lesli Doares, marriage coach and author

Laura F. Dabney, MD, Virginia-based psychiatrist and relationship therapist

Joy Harden Bradford, psychologist and breakup coach

India Simms, licensed marriage and family therapist, owner of The Haven Center for Therapy & Wellness, LLC

Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, psychotherapist and co-host of the Cheaper Than Therapy podcast