Why Men Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Posting Thirst Traps On IG’s Close Friends

While scrolling through Instagram stories recently, I was met with a mirror selfie showing off a man’s morning wood in boxer briefs. I do not know this person. This art director and I have followed each other for years, but beyond sending me the occasional flame emoji, we’ve never spoken online or IRL. Strangely enough, however, he added me to his Close Friends list earlier this year, and what started as shirtless gym shots quickly devolved into full nudes with only a towel covering his penis — and, now, his boner.

Conceptually, I love a thotty-presenting man. Chopping an oak tree on TikTok? Yes. Cooking suggestively on Reels? I’m locked in. Hook me up to an IV of all the sluttiest-thing-a-man-can-do memes. I love to see guys break patriarchal norms by openly performing for the female gaze.

Yet in no way, shape, or form did I ever want to see this near-stranger’s barely-clothed erection — and it turns out he’s far from the only cis, straight man who has taken to Close Friends to show much more of himself to fewer people. Fellas are shooting their shot with private displays of arousal, even as many of them feel conflicted and embarrassed about it.

A Brief History Of The CF Thirst Trap

Gay men have been leveraging Close Friends like this for years, and no one thinks twice about seeing sultry selfies from women — whether they’re influencers and models or Amanda from your company’s accounting department. Now, as gender roles have gotten blurrier, some straight men are yearning to jump on board.

When it comes to actually posting sultry images, though, many are riddled with shame about wanting to be openly objectified and validated. Men are typically praised by society for having plenty of sex, but certain forms of soliciting that kind of attention are seen as more acceptable than others. And to no one’s surprise, some men take Close Friends content too far, sexually harassing women along the way.

Men Want To Be Baddies, Too

“I’m single. I’m flirty. I like to show off. So, I like the attention,” says Michael*, a content marketer in Chicago. “I’m just doing it for selfish reasons to make myself feel better.” He hopes for responses such as, “You look great” or, “Come over!” He wants his ego stroked, among other things.

Michael’s Close Friends content primarily consists of bulge pics and nudes, a stark contrast from the tame photos from baseball games on his regular feed. His list has 10 “female companions,” as he puts it — people with whom he’s had sex, sexted, or made out. “I don’t even consider them close friends,” he says.

While Michael pursues general virtual validation, others have taken a more targeted approach. Jesse, a London-based writer, reserves his shirtless, sweaty photos for his Close Friends and once used the feature to show his ex what she was missing. “I’m not even going to be ashamed to admit this,” he says, “[but] it worked like a charm.” They briefly got back together, but the relationship didn’t last.

Others are merely copying what they see. “Women created this thing,” says Luis, who works in fashion. Inspired, he filled his list with people he’s previously dated and hopes to date. At first, he only posted “jokey or cutesy stuff” like memes, music, and his Co-Star push notifications. He still does all that — and also flaunts short shorts on leg day.

“I do consider it kind of cringy and embarrassing,” he says. Despite feeling like he’s fishing for compliments, he wants to be admired. “[I] think of myself as being fairly attractive and in good physical shape, so there is a compelling desire to see what kind of validation and chaos I can find,” he says.

Some women are game to deliver. Katie, who works in Hollywood, was added to a friend’s risqué Close Friends list. “It’s definitely meant to generate a response of, ‘You’re hot,’ and frankly, I obliged him,” she says. “Like, OK, you’re going to put me on here? I know what my purpose is. I’ll fill that.” They’ve been sexting for months.

The Ick Factor Is Real

Elena, a publicist in New York, recently found herself in new territory — private in-grid thirst traps. A man she’d connected with on Hinge a few years back popped up in her DMs with a fire emoji. When she checked out his profile, she found bulge pics for Close Friends only — a feature that didn’t exist when they matched. (Meta launched the grid option in 2023.) They’d never met in real life, and she wasn’t even following him.

“My brain immediately goes to, ‘How many people are on here?’” she says. “It was an immediate turn-off.”

If she saw steamy — but less explicit — images posted for everyone to see, she’d view the men as confident. But behind the glow of the green circle? Creepy. She says, “It seems like they’re ashamed, [like], ‘I shouldn’t be doing this but I want to do it [anyway].’”

Alyssa, an editor and consultant in New York, found herself on the same art director’s list as I had. They’d never spoken, online or off.

“It felt like sexual harassment,” she says, describing it as “icky.” Had he considered that Alyssa and I wouldn’t want to see his boner? Had any of them?

“I’ve not considered it from that angle,” Jesse admits, with the caveat that he believes his shirtless pics aren’t “really offensive.”

Others, however, had questioned their content. Michael was once called out by a recipient and says he’s learned his lesson. “You got to be smart. You can’t be sending sexy pics to random women.”

For Miles*, who owns a marketing agency in Los Angeles, reading about “the amount of unsolicited sh*t that women get from men” factored into his decision to ultimately quit.

While examples of the male gaze are everywhere (see: Maxim and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit covers; rom-coms like Hitch, where an average guy lands a supermodel), the flip side is hard to come by. There’s People’s annual Sexiest Man Alive list and… what else? It’s no wonder that some tend to miss the mark.

Of course the art director thinks women want to see his near-nudes. But because the Instagram feature has no way to opt out, his followers haven’t consented to receiving this content — leaving them only the option to mute, unfollow, or block.

Thirsting For More

My bikini selfies live right alongside pics of my Wall Street Journal bylines on my main feed. The comments? Heart eyes here, flame emojis there, exclamatory affirmations from my real-life besties, my internet-only girlies, and my mom. The girls support girls feeling hot. It doesn’t matter if any man I’m interested in acknowledges them. Either way, I have my cheer squad.

But straight men typically don’t. Outside of Close Friends, Luis says he has nowhere to openly take pride in his looks. To him, this seems unimaginable and enviable.

Others share this sentiment. An anonymous podcast host says he could never post an overt thirst trap on main, since any innocent performance for the female gaze would be met with ridicule from his large following of fashion bros.

Even wholesome content is risky, he says. “‘Hey, look, I cooked this meal,’” he says. “I could never do that sh*t without being undermined by dudes trying to one-up me or be like, ‘Oh, you didn't chop that onion correctly.’” Broadcasting virtual thot shots, he says, is completely off the table.

That fear is hard to shake. Miles is in an open relationship, and he used to use Close Friends to gauge women’s interest in him. He wanted to feel desired, unlike how he felt with his primary partner.

In some ways, he feels evolved. “I like to think I don’t have that male shame that other generations did. I can share my emotions. I will cry in front of people,” he says. Still, he’s barely comfortable publicly sharing a ’fit pic.

Posting steamy selfies in private was different, Miles says. It felt silly, but also safe from the judgment of his male friends. He stepped back and gave toxic masculinity a long, hard look. “I realized... ‘Oh, that sh*t is ingrained in me.’”

*Name has been changed.