How To Respond When Somebody Checks In On You

“You can ask the other person if they’d just like a quick check-in answer or if they would really like to know the nitty gritty,” Heidi McBain LMFT, a family therapist, tells Bustle. It’s a) a funny response that’ll disarm the asker, and b) gives you a second to get your thoughts together. This way you can stop being anxious that you’re overwhelming them with info about moving in with your partner.

“If someone asks you how you are doing, you can practice being honest without providing all of the details,” Anwar says. What things matter to you most right now, and what do you feel most inclined to talk about with this person? If your gran is asking, for instance, it may not be the right time to share how stressed you are about your sex life. (Or it might!)

Alternate the bad news with some of the good news you’ve experienced lately (if any), so it’s not such a slog. E.g., you got your COVID vaccine, but you’re totally burned out at work and it’s possible that your apartment is haunted.

“You can also ask how long they have and if they have time for the little details, or if they'd like the abridged version,” McBain says. This is an extension of the Cliff’s Notes idea, but it’s also a way of respecting their time; if they only have five minutes, you might want to suggest a coffee catch-up so that they can hear all your experiences in full.

Sharing little bits of information slowly, over time, can help you get more comfortable and trusting, Anwar says. “You don’t have to tell them more than you're willing to share.” Start with the things you feel easiest talking about, and progress to harder topics as you feel more at ease in their presence.

If you don’t know where to begin, start small: with your own feelings, on this particular day. “I feel” statements make your emotions the focus, rather than your beliefs about what the other person might think or want to hear. From there, it can be easier to feel like you’re letting the other person in, even if you’re still keeping some stuff to yourself.

If they’re getting in your business and you don’t want to share, that’s your choice. “Trust your instinct,” Charmain Jackman Ph.D., a psychologist, tells Bustle. “If you do not trust someone who is asking you to share or you are feeling that they may have ulterior motives for getting you to open up, politely state that it is not a good time for you.”

Sometimes it’s easier to talk while doing something else. “Let them know that you want to talk, but you need them to be patient with you as you figure out how to open up,” Jackman says. “Sometimes taking a walk or car ride can reduce the intensity of a one-on-one conversation.”

“Remind yourself that this person made the effort to reach out to you and you can show appreciation for that,” Anwar says. “Ask them how they are doing as well, so you don’t feel like the conversation is only focused on you.” It’s not just to bond, but also to make sure you’re not the only one doing the emotional heavy lifting.

Maybe you’d love to share everything that’s going on but now isn’t ideal; you’re still processing, or feel exhausted, or would rather think about anything else right now. If that’s the case, postpone the check-in to a point that works for you.

Sometimes check-ins can start well, but veer into territory that feels like too much. “It is really important to maintain your boundaries and to do what is comfortable for you,” Jackman says. “If you start to feel uncomfortable with their questions, go ahead and steer the conversation in a different direction,” Anwar adds. After all, they’re asking about how you’re doing, not trying to make you feel even worse.