5 Tips For Emotionally Detaching After A Bad Breakup

Emotionally distancing yourself from your ex can be tough at first, so be sure to take baby steps. According to Saltz, one way to do that is to invest your time and energy into other people. Plan fun nights out with your besties, catch up with someone you haven’t talked to in a while, or spend time with your family. If you feel like you need a fun distraction, you can try picking up a hobby as a way to meet new people.

“Stop searching out what your ex is doing or how they are feeling and detach from any emotional involvement for a while,” Saltz says. “Turn your attentions to other important intimate and valued relationships and engage with them instead.”

You’re working on moving on, scoping out a new brunch place on Instagram for you and your friends to try when bam, you’re hit with a post of your ex hanging out with someone new. Suddenly, you’re back to obsessing over whom they’re with 24/7, whether or not they’re dating, and if they still think about you.

Because of this, licensed marriage and family therapist Adam Goodman, J.D., tells Bustle that it’s best to “remove your access” to them by muting or deleting them from social media. If you’re not seeing them constantly, it will be easier for you to separate yourself emotionally.

“This will give you time for the intensity of your emotions to naturally reduce while creating a buffer of space away from any external sources of pain or discomfort,” Goodman says. “Focusing on yourself and finding the right relationship fit helps rebuild any weakened self-esteem you may be feeling after the breakup.”

When you get into a new relationship, it’s natural to fantasize about the future and what your relationship could be. According to intimacy coach Leah Carey, “There’s a name for this time: new relationship energy (NRE). It’s the period when everything looks shiny and perfect, which aids us in bonding with a new partner.”

But over time, this energy fades and you eventually start seeing your partner without the rose-colored glasses. At this point, you may see the actual person you’re in a relationship with, rather than the fantasy you fell in love with. If your ex initiated the breakup, you’ll both miss their presence in your life and grieve the loss of the fantasy you had.

According to Carey, self-reflection is key. Your fantasy idea of a relationship can be really “instructive,” she says. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I get over my ex?,” ask yourself, “What fantasy were they fulfilling for me?”

“Once you know the answer to that question, you’ll realize that your ex was just one of many people who could fill that space in your life,” she says. “You’ll no longer mourn a specific person because you’ll have a better handle on what to look for when you’re ready to return to dating.”

Getting over your ex and being sad about the end of a relationship can come in waves. There will be days when you feel really good about moving on, and there’ll be days when you want to stay in bed and think about every which way you could’ve been a better partner. Whenever these moments of sadness and regret hit, Katie Ziskind, licensed marriage and family therapist, says to pull out your journal.

“Writing in a journal can be a great way to process what you’ve been through, identify the hurt, loss, and grief emotions, and relieve the feelings you’re having so that you can be open-hearted for another person who walks into your life,” Ziskind says.

While it would be great to get over a breakup after a week or two, that’s not always possible. People move on at their own time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to stop feeling things for your ex or to find someone new. Doing so will only stress you out and make you feel a lot worse. If you learn that your ex is dating again, don’t speed up your healing process in a reactionary panic.

“There’s no timeline on being ready to start dating again,” Carey says. “Some people take a day, others take a month, others take a year or more. Be kind to yourself as you consider when you’re ready to open your heart again.” In time, it will happen for you.