How To Get To Know Someone Over Text

You’ve exchanged numbers with somebody who seems incredibly cool, and now you’re staring at the screen, wondering how to get past the “how are you/good, how are you/what’s happening/not much” bit of your friendship. If you’re not at the brunch date or in-person hangout level yet, how do you get to know someone over text?

There’s a reason you might find developing texting connections a bit tricky. A huge amount of human communication is non-verbal, psychotherapist Stephanie Diarbi-Krutikov, LMHC, NCC, tells Bustle. “When we talk with someone in person, we can sense their energy by the way they lean in when we share something personal; the way their eyes soften with empathy when we express pain; and the way we belly laugh together at a joke one of us shared,” she says. Everything from tone of voice and eye contact to body language shows what we mean, and they’re all absent from WhatsApp. And that can make deep and meaningful text conversations difficult.

Can’t see your new mate’s face to know how they reacted to that weird joke? Here’s how to deepen your connection over text.

Take The Risk

“Research and experience tell us that no real and deep connection can take place without risk,” Diarbi-Krutikov says. If you sense the time is right, share something interesting and intimate about yourself — that you’ve always had a crush on Disney’s fox Robin Hood, that you love the smell of blue cheese, that your parents are actually astronauts — in order to build trust. Think of things you’d share during a game of “Two truths and a lie” — and consider asking them for theirs, too.

Avoid Leaving Anybody On Read

Seen: 10:40 p.m. The worst. “Let’s face it, being “left on read” has the ability to get us in our heads like few others things,” Diarbi-Krutikov says. “Our ability to weave in and out of conversations as we please can have a negative impact on even the most solid connections, let alone budding relationships.” Try to stay present for the conversation, even if you’re juggling a latte, five emails, and your dog’s leash at the same time.

Even small responses or questions (“And then what happened?” “Wow, that’s a lot”) can keep the conversation going. And if you can’t be present, fess up: something like “I’m sorry, I have XYZ going on and really want to focus on you fully. I’ll text you back in an hour?” will put things on pause.

Ask For Their Opinion

It’s easy to just share Insta posts of mutual interests — corgis in swimsuits, elaborate embroidery, cool books — but to keep conversations going, ask for their thoughts. Sarah, 28, says this is one of her go-tos. “I share a lot of old cartoons and tattoo designs with a friend of mine who’s also an artist, and we talk about what we like and what we don’t like,” she says. “And that tends to drift into what we’re doing with our own art, and our lives in general. We disagree a lot, but it’s cool.”

Work To Understand Their Feelings

Not sure what somebody means, or how they’re feeling about something? Ask. “Statements like ‘help me understand’ are great ways to facilitate clarity and foster connection,” Diarbi-Krutikov says. Don’t revert to “LOL” and leave it at that if you’re really uncertain about what their offhand vax mandate comment was about.

Share When You’re Going Through It

One of the most powerful things you can say in a text conversation with a new friend, Diarbi-Krutikov says, is "I am having a hard time with this.” Be open about your problems and ask for their advice; that helps get them involved, and is also mega flattering.

Ask About Their Problems & Listen

Maybe they have the kind of job that requires 16-hour days and just want to rant about it for a while. Ask how their issues are going, particularly if you haven’t discussed it in a while. “Clear and kind communication conveys interest, investment, and care, all of which cultivate a deeper connection,” Diarbi-Krutikov says.

“I got to know my now-best friend because we were going through the same divorce problems at basically the same time, and we’d just yell about it for hours over text,” Canela*, 30, tells Bustle. “Now we’re both through it, but we’ve got that lasting connection.”

Send The Vulnerable Text

Try to be brave enough to be honest with a new person, even if it means starting a potential argument. “Choosing to be vulnerable by sharing how we are feeling about a certain text and/or interaction is an emotional risk that requires courage,” Diarbi-Krutikov says. Didn’t like how they phrased something? Feel hurt or anxious because of a comment they made? Have something sh*tty going on you’d like them to know about? Talk about it. Ask, “Can I share something?” as a way to introduce the subject.

Resist The Urge To Deflect

Insisting on keeping the chat light with endless happy-face emojis can mean people stay at arm’s length. “When things got heavy over text I used to just immediately send a .gif or something and make the tone light again,” Margie, 33, says. “Then a friend said it was actually making her feel a bit sad when I did that, like I just didn’t want to hear things. So I stopped.”

Explain When You Need Some Time To Answer

Not able to deal with a deep and meaningful convo — or just more screen time — right now? Let the other person know, Diarbi-Krutikov says.

“Instead pushing through our limits for the sake of being ‘nice’, or going the opposite way by ghosting, we can acknowledge that we are not able to fully show up,” she says. If you tell the other person you’ll come back when you’ve got enough energy to be present and offer your full attention, it’s a compliment, not a copout.

Find A Balance

A study published in Computers In Human Behavior in 2018 found that in romantic relationships, being a similar “type” of texter — how often they texted, for instance, and how much they initiated text conversations — predicted relationship happiness. This can go for friendships as well. If they’re a six-a-minute texter and you’re a once-an-hour type, see if you can compromise so you feel more on the same page.

Interpret Things Generously

Texting can be a minefield of missed nuance. “There are more opportunities for misunderstandings, offenses, and defenses to take place because we are more likely to project our fears, insecurities, and inner narratives unto the messages we read,” Diarbi-Krutikov says. If they leave you on read for two days, or say something you don’t quite understand, try to think of it in a positive light. And when you finally connect again, ask what’s happening and be open to the response.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Expert:

Stephanie Diarbi-Krutikov LMHC NCC

Studies cited:

Ohadi, J., Brown, B., Trub, L., Rosenthal, L. (2018) I just text to say I love you: Partner similarity in texting and relationship satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior. Volume 78