TikTok’s “How They Come Is How They Leave" Relationship Theory, Explained

Think back to your last relationship. How did it start? How did it end? According to TikTok, both likely happened in roughly the same way. If it started fast, it ended fast. If it was a slow burn, then maybe it fizzled out over a year. This observation has been dubbed the “how they come is how they leave” theory, and it explains so much about relationship dynamics.

Creator @cadencemarie0524 posted this theory last year, and it has over 270,000 likes and over 700 comments discussing how common it is to “lose them how you got them.” One person said, “Came out of nowhere. Left out of nowhere.” Another wrote, “Fast to develop feelings, fast to lose feelings,” while someone else said, “Left another girl for me. Guess what!!!!”

Everyone hopes their partner will change or that a less-than-ideal situation will blossom into something great, yet it can still come as a shock when your partner breaks up with you or a relationship ends.

“The ‘how they come is how they’ll leave’ theory is like the warning label on a hot coffee cup — you think, ‘Well, obviously,’ but somehow people still get burned,” says Veronica West, a psychologist and founder of My Thriving Mind. Here’s what to know, as well as West’s thoughts on whether or not people can change.

You Lose ‘Em How You Got ‘Em

According to West, many relationships follow this predictable pattern. “If someone swoops into your life like a rom-com protagonist, love-bombing their way into your heart, don’t be surprised if they exit just as dramatically — probably via a vague text and a disappearing act,” she tells Bustle. “Similarly, if you had to chase them in the beginning, you’ll probably still be chasing them later — except this time it’s for emotional availability, not a dinner date.”

West says there are so many examples of how this theory can play out IRL, and some can be downright messy. “If your partner left someone else to be with you, well… let’s just say you shouldn’t be shocked when they start casually liking their coworker’s thirst traps,” she says.

Even if it doesn’t happen in such an obvious way, there still might be red flags you only notice after the fact. Remember how your partner swore they were single when you first met, but you found out they were still “in the process” of a breakup?

In another video, creator @brielleybelly123 noted that some relationships start when a cute stranger tries to steal you away from your own relationship. While it might be fun to feel wanted by someone promising you the world, it often means they have a toxic mindset. This theory covers so many scenarios, and it’s common for that energy to exist from start to finish.

Can People Change?

Even if you’re aware from the jump that your relationship failed to start in a storybook way, it’s only natural to assume that your partner will change or that things will work out in your favor.

According to West, people do possess the ability to change, but it’s still important to acknowledge that patterns are real. If someone has a track record of fast, chaotic, or dishonest exits, it might be best to end things first to protect yourself — or not start a relationship with them in the first place.

“Although relationships aren't destined to repeat their beginnings, they do have a tendency to follow a familiar script unless there is genuine growth,” she adds. “Therefore, before proceeding, ask yourself: Would I want to be the recipient of this person's past breakup history? If the answer is no, you may want to reconsider how they got there in the first place.”

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Veronica West, psychologist, founder of My Thriving Mind