How Spending Time Alone Gave Me The Sense Of Connection I Needed

As 2019 came to a close, my main intention for 2020 was to focus on connection. Having recently relocated to a new city, I planned to put myself out there to make friends in my new home. My strategy for making new friends as an adult was simple: Attend as many events related to my interests as my introversion could handle, and to try and make one new connection each time.

That was the 2020 I was hoping for. Instead, the 2020 I got was quite the opposite. My intentions of establishing new connections were instead replaced with alone time. A lot of alone time.

For context, alone time isn’t new for me. Loneliness and isolation are old friends of mine. I’ve spent a great deal of my life feeling like an outsider in nearly every space I’ve occupied. When I was younger, I dealt with persistent shyness and social anxiety that made everyday interactions feel like impossible mountains to climb. After years of addressing these feelings and doing intentional work to build my confidence, those mountains started to feel less and less steep, and 2020 was supposed to be the year I conquered my summit, and built the connections I’d been seeking for as long as I could remember.

But when stay-at-home orders began, the time in isolation felt incredibly triggering. Painful memories of feeling isolated constantly came up and my usual distractions weren't available. The feelings were uncomfortable, but there was little I could do to run from them.

When I accepted the year of connection, I gave myself permission to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and painful memories that came up. Though the fact that we are all experiencing this stressful time is out of my control, what I chose to do with this time was within my control. So I decided to see what would happen if I stopped running from those uncomfortable feelings, and instead give myself permission to sit with them.

Eventually, instead of feeling triggered by the time I was spending alone, I began to feel empowered by it. I welcomed the growth that came from the time and space to reflect, and I eventually craved the distractions from my feelings less and less. This culminated in me finding the deeper sense of connection I was looking for within myself.

Here’s how I did it.

Finding Safety Amidst Discomfort

The challenge behind sitting with feelings of discomfort is that it can remind us of times when we felt unsafe. When I decided to use my alone time to better understand my feelings, I started by creating a sense of safety for myself to feel whatever I needed to feel.

Safety is a very sensitive and individual topic, and each of us can and should approach this differently based on our own lived experiences. For me, journaling has been an incredible tool for relieving stress and feeling safe to express myself. When I sat down to journal about my experiences, I was careful to extend myself grace, and acknowledge that in that moment, I was doing the best I could. Staying mindful of this helps me feel more equipped to recall and process those feelings from a safer place.

Another challenging factor in processing my difficult feelings has been the judgement I often imposed on myself. Sometimes I would judge myself for how I reacted or for not being further along in my healing journey, which could feel even worse than the discomfort of the trigger itself. Now, instead of coming from a place of judgement, I've adopted a sense of curiosity as I approach situations my younger self experienced. The more I do this, the more at ease I feel during my alone time.

Learning To Manage My Stress

Though I've spent my entire adult life focused on wellness, much of my personal work in this area revolved around the physical. While I’m no stranger to regular exercise or mindful eating, I didn’t become mindful of the ways I managed stress until recently. In fact, I thought because I exercised regularly, that was all I needed to feel calm and centered.

That is simply untrue. Stress management needs a multifaceted approach to be effective, and while exercise is a great tool, many of us need more in our toolbox to cope with the events we are living through.

At first, knowing what to do for stress management was challenging because there were times when I felt I was in a constant state of stress. So I took a step back to learn exactly what my stressors and concerns were so I could address what was bothering me to the best of my ability.

The biggest change I made in my approach to stress management is incorporating routines throughout my day to combat stress. To do this, I created brief moments throughout the day to check on how I was feeling, then tending to my needs in that moment.

If during my self check-ins I realized I was feeling stressed, I would take a few minutes away from my computer to reflect on what was stressing me out, and would do a small act of self-care such as making a cup of tea or getting some fresh air. I would often repeat this same process in the evening to wind down and gauge what my overall stress level was for the day. At night, I like having a glass of Natural Vitality CALM to support stress relief and relaxation before bed, plus taking a bit more time to journal if I have things on my mind, or reading in an effort to spend less time on my phone (which is a pretty big stressor in itself).

While this year I didn’t get the “year of connection” I was hoping for, I found a silver lining in using this time to deepen my connection with myself. By taking time to address and release some of the baggage I'd been carrying with me for years, and being intentional with how I treat my mind and body during stressful situations, I’ve gained a deeper sense of clarity and well-being to carry forward.

This post is sponsored by Natural Vitality CALM®.