TikTok’s “First Love Theory” Might Explain Why You’re Not Over Your Ex

It’s said that nobody forgets their first love. Whether you fell for a high school sweetheart, a college partner, or a special someone who whispered “I love you” at a dimly lit bar when you were 25, there’s something about the rush, the excitement, and the innocence of an early relationship that makes it feel like a fairytale that sticks in your brain forever.

On TikTok, this feeling has been dubbed the “first love theory,” and it has over 98 million posts on the app. In a viral video shared on Oct. 8, creator @tach.ohs broke down what the theory means and how it can impact future relationships, especially for anyone who dates men. “[The first love theory is] the notion that men never forget their first love,” she said. “They will always remember her and want to get back to her. [Or they] will always be looking for a version of her in their next partner.”

The theory typically refers to guys in heterosexual relationships since they seem to be extra hung up on first loves, but it can happen to anyone. The phenomenon is relatable and brimming with nostalgia, yet it has some people worried their current partner will never love them quite like they loved their ex. Let’s see what a dating expert has to say about it.

What To Know About The “First Love Theory”

On TikTok, creator @maryamjhampton dove even deeper into the first love theory, noting that first loves fill everyone with a sense of euphoria. “You get wrapped up in this person very quickly, it happens when your mind isn’t fully developed, and you will go about your life basically considering them to be the blueprint of how you [fall in love] in later years,” she said. In her comments section, someone wrote, “I’m still stuck on my first love” while another said, “This is so real.”

According to Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with Bumble, the memory of a first love sticks around because it incites various new and unexplainable emotions, like the rush of a first kiss, the thrill of dropping the L bomb, and so on.

First loves also tend to happen at a time in life when you have very few responsibilities beyond dating and hanging out. You likely aren’t paying bills, living or making big decisions together — you’re just kissing, laughing, and hooking up. And what could be better than that?

It’s also possible you hadn’t yet experienced the pain of a breakup during your first real love, which means you were able to fully throw yourself into the relationship with reckless abandon and enjoy every minute of it.

Why The “First Love Theory” Affects Some Men

The side effects of the first love theory do seem to heavily favor heterosexual men— at least according to TikTok — and it might be due to how they handle breakups. While many women might vent to friends, cry to their mom, or seek therapy after a relationship ends as a way to grieve and move on, it might be more common for a man to look for a rebound or squash down his feelings.

“Studies suggest that individuals who attempt to bounce back immediately after a breakup may take longer to heal compared to those who take time to mourn,” says Boodram. “Emotional processing is crucial for healing, as it allows individuals to reflect on the relationship, understand what went wrong, and acknowledge feelings of loss and grief.”

“First loves are often seen through rose-colored glasses.”

Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and founder of Uncover Counseling agrees. “The emotional release from venting or therapy can help women move forward, whereas men who don't engage in these practices might hold onto feelings, making it harder to let go,” she tells Bustle. “These unprocessed emotions may manifest in future relationships, potentially preventing men from moving on fully.”

On TikTok, a lot of people speculate that a first girlfriend is often viewed as “the one who got away,” so a man might keep her in the back of his mind either because he hopes to rekindle the relationship, or because he hopes to find similar qualities in his current or future partners. Creator @sumlemonade says some people can also feel a sense of regret about what “might have been.”

“They’ll probably realize that no one is as good to them [as their first girlfriend],” she said in her viral video, posted Jan. 24, though she also pointed out that first loves are often seen through rose-colored glasses. Usually, the only reason a first love feels so perfect, easy, and carefree is because it was. Everyone in it was young and naive — and it isn’t fair to expect an older partner to act the same way.

Signs Your Partner Is Hung Up On Their First Love

Worried your partner is hung up on their first love? Boodram says to watch out for certain signs, like if they constantly talk about their ex, keep old photos on their phone, excessively engage with their ex’s socials, or bring up comparisons to their previous relationship during arguments.

Thankfully, it’s possible to move on from a first love, whether you or a partner is the one falling victim to the theory. The best place to start is by acknowledging feelings are still there — and that one of you might be clinging onto a fantasy or memory of an ex that isn’t 100% grounded in reality.

“Encouraging open dialogue and emotional expression can be crucial in helping both men and women find closure,” says Tse. “Recognizing these patterns also allows individuals to better navigate their emotional landscapes and fosters healthier relationship dynamics.”

Source:

Shan Boodram, sex and relationship expert with Bumble

Kristie Tse, psychotherapist, founder of Uncover Counseling