Congrats, You’re Dating Yourself

Joan* learned the hard way that dating the “male version” of herself has its challenges. “It was beautiful then terrible,” the 32-year-old says of her ill-fated relationship with a co-worker.

“It was very cat and mouse at the start: We were both people used to being chased, rather than doing the chasing,” Joan says of their early days working together in marketing. But once they managed to connect, they really connected. They had the same sense of humor and quickly developed a “bible” of inside-jokes, as well as the same taste in books, film, and music. “We were both writers and we’d get so sucked into this romanticized version of ourselves: we sat there writing together, in this beautiful high-ceilinged apartment with a bottle of red wine,” Joan says. Unfortunately they mirrored each other’s quick tempers and stubbornness too, which led to days-long fights. “We also shared the same avoidant attachment issues and defense mechanisms,” she says. The breakup took months, and Joan hasn’t been in another relationship in the three years since.

The pitfalls of dating someone exactly like you aren’t a new discovery: There’s a whole Seinfeld arc about this, in which Jerry falls for Jeannie — a woman who kind of looks like him, and shares his taste in cereal-eating, diners, comics, and general disaffected pessimism — only to see their engagement fall apart because of their similarities. In fact, by some measures, we’ve never been more likely to date people unlike us. As recently as the 20th century, social intermediaries such as religious communities and extended families helped to establish partnerships, resulting in couples that were largely homogamous — i.e., of similar socioeconomic, ethnic, or religious backgrounds.

Now, they’ve been replaced by dating apps, which facilitate connections outside traditional social circles. But the apps may have distorted our ideas about compatibility in other ways. We can sort for niche interests, in addition to age range and education level, and a surfeit of choice forces us to decide precisely what we want, all on our own — which may lead us to gravitate toward what we know, someone in whom we can see ourselves.

Studies have found that, even just aesthetically, we tend to carry a preference for our own features; experts like social psychologist Justin Lehmiller at the Kinsey Institute suggest the same is true for personality traits. While the adage that “opposites attract” still carries weight, there’s never actually been much evidence to support it.

While the adage that “opposites attract” still carries weight, there’s never actually been much evidence to support it.

“With the onset of online dating and dating apps, people have a seemingly endless supply of potential suitors, which causes them to feel as if they need to somehow limit or filter people,” says April Davis, president and founder of LUMA Matchmaking. “They think that someone like themselves is the best option for them.”

And it seems like every week there’s a new social media debate about whether it’s appropriate to date someone who makes more money than you, someone with greater career experience in your field, or, especially, someone noticeably younger or older. The online masses have become intermediaries of their own, with complete strangers functioning like community elders wielding their disapproval however they see fit. When everything is subject to scrutiny, it can feel like there’s pressure to date someone who checks all the same boxes as you.

Even so, the need for similarity has its limits. Andrew, 39, a writer living in the South, is currently in a relationship with someone he believes is “the closest to dating myself as I’ve come.” He’s not sure that’s a good thing, though. “Sometimes I worry our flaws are more similar than our virtues,” he says.

“Early on it felt really good to connect with someone so easily. I found myself incredibly attracted to her. It felt like she was the magical other, to steal a Jungian phrase. But there’s a certain level of narcissism when it comes to falling in love with someone very similar to yourself,” says Andrew. “Interestingly, selfishness is something we often quibble over. When there’s a problem, it often feels like one of us is being selfish or self-centered. We’re both incredibly protective of ourselves and our time/wishes/needs. Frustrations are more salient when you see yourself in the very behaviors that frustrate you.”

Frustrations are more salient when you see yourself in the very behaviors that frustrate you.

According to relationship experts, this dynamic can quickly become stifling. “When two partners are too similar, it can lead to challenges like reinforcing each other’s weaknesses rather than balancing them,” says Jeanne Cross, a licensed therapist at EMDR Center of Denver. “For example, if both partners struggle with emotional regulation or avoid conflict, it can create a dynamic where issues are left unresolved, causing resentment to build. Similarly, overlapping traits like perfectionism or risk aversion can limit growth or lead to stagnation in the relationship.”

Amelia, 21, experienced this sense of stagnation in her relationship with her “exact male counterpart.” To put it bluntly, she got bored. They initially met in college, taking the same courses, reading the same books, and pursuing the same career ambitions. “We weren't learning from each other. Neither of us brought anything new to a conversation. It was a tiny echo chamber.”

Worse, though they shared a “spiritually empty yuppie striver mindset,” their competitiveness didn’t make either of them into better people. “I began to hate how negative and cutthroat we both were. We wouldn't even share notes with each other because we were so competitive about who got better grades — I did,” she says.

“If both people are alpha personality types, this could lead to a lot of conflict and competition. Ideally, people want somebody who is their complement, not their twin,” says Davis.

We wouldn’t even share notes with each other because we were so competitive about who got better grades — I did.

“Complement” is often the key word. It’s a sentiment that’s been affirmed in the field of sociology,” says Jess Carbino, Ph.D., a sociologist specializing in contemporary relationships who has previously worked with Tinder and Bumble. One study from 2023, for example, found that couples who are more complementary with their partners during conflict — i.e., actively work to balance each other out — have better relationship outcomes.

Carbino argues that part of the instinct to date someone similar to yourself — be that demographically or in personality — is to avoid conflict, as a means of avoiding self-interrogation. “What is remarkable to me is that conflict is inherent in every relationship, and through conflict, there is insight and growth,” she says. “So when someone says to me, ‘I want to be in a relationship with no conflict,’ it says to me fundamentally that they don't understand how relationships work and that they don't see the value in having there be discovery, and they're having to grow as a result of a relationship.”

As it turns out, dating your double doesn’t save you from much trouble — though it can be, at the very least, a learning experience. Joan feels this way about her relationship with her co-worker. She now knows which parts of herself she’d look for in a partner again: her sense of humor, her interest in writing, her taste in films. But she knows, too, which parts to avoid. “I need someone more grounded and secure,” she says. “It didn't work having two of us needing that but not able to give it.”