7 Common Situations That Can Trigger Your Relationship OCD

It’s totally normal to be attracted to other people. But when you have ROCD, a casual attraction towards someone can make you question whether your partner is the right person for you. If you find this happening to you, Lev suggests identifying any underlying needs you may have that your partner doesn’t meet. For instance, maybe you’re questioning your choice of partner because they’re not giving you enough physical affection. If that’s actually the case, try asking for more hugs, kisses, or massages. “You also must remember to be very flexible regarding your request and stay rigid with the underlying need,” Lev says. “Meaning, the more flexible you are with your requests the more likely you are to get your underlying needs met.”

If you’re at a party and your partner leaves to go to the bathroom, it may trigger your relationship OCD. According to Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, being left alone in a social situation could have you questioning what your partner is doing, who they’re talking to, or how you measure up to the other people around you. These types of thoughts may cause some to “test” their partner’s feelings for them by flirting with other people, or acting out in ways that aren’t healthy for a relationship.

When you’re in a social situation, try your best to remain calm. If you really want to check in on your partner’s whereabouts, Scott-Hudson suggests waiting at least 15 minutes before doing so. In the meantime, you can try jotting down your feelings in a notepad or your phone. That way, it can help you process what you’re experiencing.

Constant arguing in a relationship isn’t healthy. However, it’s important to vent your frustrations now and then. According to Lev, people with ROCD may make a huge deal out of normal relationship fights. They may even bottle up their frustrations until all their anger and resentment come pouring out. This can lead to a huge blow up conflict that can make you question your relationship as a whole.

If this happens, Lev suggests finding new strategies to express your emotions in a positive way. “Use nonviolent communication to express your needs and to make specific requests in your relationship. That way, it allows your partner to meet your needs and gives them an opportunity to understand how to do so,” Lev says.

When you’re around other “happy couples,” it’s easy to feel like your relationship doesn’t measure up in some way. Maybe you see your friends on social media going on weekend trips, and it makes you question why your partner never suggests doing anything fun or romantic. It’s normal to feel a little doubt and jealousy.

“While most people experience occasional doubt about their relationships, when you experience relationship OCD, anxiety and doubt end up completely hijacking the relationship, and it is continually on your mind,” Schiff says. If you find yourself being triggered by other people’s relationships, have a conversation with your partner about ways to bring more fun and romance into your lives. Nothing will change if you don’t voice your desires.

Sex can be triggering for some, especially if you don’t finish or if your partner turns you down. According to Schiff, having a low sex drive or not feeling aroused by your partner on occasion can cause you to wonder if you’re attracted to them at all. If this is the case, it’s important to determine if there are any underlying issues. For instance, maybe you’re just overworked or maybe it’s a certain time of the month. If so, try repeating affirmations to yourself that can help you overcome negative thoughts. If you feel like something is missing in your sex life, you could always try talking to your partner about incorporating new things in the bedroom.

In some cases, you may want to consider a professional. “If the relationship anxiety is causing distress in more than one domain of your life, such as at work and at home, seek a qualified, licensed psychotherapist who specializes in both relationships and the individual, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist,” Scott-Hudson says.

Your relationship should be between you and your partner, but sometimes friends and family can influence how you see your relationship. If you don’t get along with your partner’s friends or family, it can trigger your ROCD. You may wonder, “How can I have a long-term future with someone when I don’t enjoy being around their loved ones?” If your partner keeps insisting that you should try to make friends with their friends, that may frustrate you and lead to a fight, making the whole mess worse.

When you find this happening, psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson, MA MFT ATR, suggests practicing self-regulation skills. For example, you could try going for a walk to clear your head or maybe repeat an affirmation like, “I love my partner. My relationship is with them and not their friends.” Finding ways to cool off when you feel yourself getting angry over something is a good way to keep your relationship OCD in check.

Nobody is perfect. When you have relationship OCD, it’s hard to remember that. Instead, every little thing that irritates you can seem like such a huge deal. If this is happening to you, Lev suggests reminding yourself about all the things you appreciate about your partner.

“Write down a list of the way that your partner has contributed to your life this week,” she says. “People with relationship OCD tend to have a negative filter and focus more in the negative qualities that they see than the positive ones. Make sure that you make your appreciations specific and that you express them to your partner.”