Help, I’m Not Attracted To My Partner Anymore

It may be easier to hide your head in the sand than confront this feeling, but accepting it as truth is a necessary and likely long-overdue step. "Acknowledging a lack of attraction to your partner is a defining moment in a relationship," Winter says. "You didn’t get here by accident. Whether you’ve been aware of it or not, a constant erosion of your emotions has brought you to this point."

Sex isn’t a deal-breaker for everyone. "To some individuals, a rewarding sex life is the need and expectation of a committed relationship," Winter says. "To other individuals, it isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. True, they’d prefer feeling excited by their partner, but the upheaval caused by ending the relationship isn’t worth the price."

With that being said, there are many research-supported benefits to sexual intimacy. “Regular sexual connection helps partners fortify their emotional attachment, reduce stress, exercise the cardiovascular system, and experience higher levels of oxytocin if they climax,” says Sari Cooper, a certified sex therapist and director of the Center for Love and Sex.

And regardless of how you view sex, take your partner’s needs into consideration as well.

It's important to be honest about your lack of attraction to your partner if you want to work through it together. (It will also help unburden you of the secret.) "Honest communication can assist you in releasing resentments," Winter says. "But you need a willing partner who can withstand listening to the ‘uncomfortable stuff’ you have to say. Honesty on this level requires two people headed toward the same outcome. Even though you may be willing to rectify this, you’ll need your partner on the same page."

Cooper agrees. “If [someone] can bring up their challenge without blaming their partner, but instead with an open-heartedness and willingness to improve the relationship, they can begin to create intimacy,” she says.

Active listening is an important part of a relationship, both around the kitchen table and in the bedroom. Talk to your partner about what turns you on, and vice versa. It could be you’re not satisfying each other, which has led to a lack of libido. (And remember, your desire has a lot to do with your partner, but it has a lot to do with you, too.)

“I educate partners about John Bancroft and Erick Jannsen’s Dual Control Model of Sexual [Response],” Cooper says. “It’s a system that measures an individual’s access to their own excitatory and inhibitory energies. I use this technique to notice when there are moments, even if they’re alone, when they feel a stirring of feeling turned on in their mind, or aroused in their body.”

Cooper also focuses on outside factors that could be affecting someone’s libido. “I offer folks the opportunity to become more embodied and observe how high their stress or anxiety is throughout their day,” she says. You know that moment: After a long day at work, your partner comes by and squeezes your shoulders or rubs your lower back. Maybe they light a small fire — but then you remember your alarm is going off at 5 a.m. Fire squashed.

“Date your partner again,” recommends Julie Krafchick, the co-host and co-creator of the Date/able podcast. “Oftentimes the magic is gone when we fall into routine life. Remember why you were attracted to them in the first place and recreate some of the experiences you had when you first met.”

“Attraction is not a given thing. Attraction is created,” says Yue Xu, Krafchick’s co-host and co-creator of Date/able. After all, relationships have their ups and downs, and it's during these swings that love and interest in your partner can shift. "Growing apart is a natural occurrence in long-term relationships," Winter adds. "But vibrant relationships find their couples growing back together again.”

While you may not be able to restart your attraction overnight, if you believe your relationship is worth saving, it's important to try every solution, which includes couples therapy.

"Going to a couples counselor or sex therapist together is a helpful move at this juncture," Winter says. "If you’ve got a lot that’s good in the relationship, now’s the time to work it out with your mate. And it’s the perfect opportunity to uncover the reasons you’re no longer attracted to [them].”

Stephen J. Betchen, a marriage and family therapist, recommends individual appointments as well. “During this time, I inquire about their state of attraction and its history,” he writes for Psychology Today. “I ask if there is current physical attraction — and if it ever existed. I also ask detailed questions about each partner’s sexual activity, both past and present.”

Adds Winter, “Is this a question of you feeling uncomfortable with yourself? Is there an underlying issue in your relationship? These are things that will come to light with a good counselor."