So, uh… I don’t really think there’s a gentle way to ease into this one, so let’s just tackle it head on: Unicorn toilet paper is a thing. A thing that actually exists. A thing which you can use to keep yourself neat and tidy down under. Just, y’know… in case that’s ever been something you’ve desperately wanted. Many thanks to PopSugar for bringing this to my attention, because it’s… really something else.
The creation of German online retailer Get Digital (or getDigital, as it's stylized on the website), the unicorn toilet paper comes in three-ply rolls of 200 sheetsapiece. It’s available singly and in packs of three rolls; a single roll will set you back €3,95, or around $5, while a pack of three is €8,95, or around$11. The company does ship internationally, although as you might expect, the costs are pretty steep; if you want to get something sent to the United States, packages up to 2 kg in weight carry shipping fees of €10,84, or about $13.50, while packages between 2 kg and 10 kg cost a whopping €99,00, or more than $120. Are you willing to shell out $13.50 to get a few rolls of unicorn toilet paper shipped directly to your door? Only you can answer that.
But even if you’re not willing to pay that much for shipping, you can still marvel in the most incredible thing about this unicorn toilet paper: Its product page is even better than the product itself. And given that the product is literally paper festooned with unicorns and rainbows used for wiping your netherbits, that is really saying something.
It begins with the tagline. Positioned directly below the productname — which, by the by, is simply “Unicorn Toilet Paper” — it reads, “Now, you can bring friendship and magic into your bathroom!” (Not going to lie: I’m a little curious to know whether that’s meant to be a play on the title of the television show My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic, but, well… maybe some questions are better left unanswered.)
But once you get past the nitty-gritty details like the price per roll, you get to something even more magnificent. In the box labeled “Description” lies the two paragraphs of the most magical product copy I have ever seen in mylife. I don’t even think I can do it justice, so I’ll just leave it here for you to read in its entirety:
“The faction within our company known as the Unicornnati is trying to bring the cuddly mythical creature into every last aspect of our everyday lives. Doormats and shower curtains were just the beginning… Now they're trying to conquer every man's fortress of solitude — the toilet. Yes, you read that correctly! They're coming for our toilets ...
“Well, to be more precise, they're coming for our toilet paper. Actually, the Unicorn Toilet Paper is superior to its regular brethren, though. On the 200 sheets each roll holds, fluffy unicorns are prancing over rainbows. Do we need to say more? Of course, all the images are printed with food-grade coloring and so are skin friendly. Some people even say that one can occasionally feel the soft fur of a unicorn.”
UNICORNNATI.
SUPERIOR TO ITS REGULAR BRETHREN.
THE SOFT FUR OF A UNICORN.
REPEAT: UNICORNNATI.
I… cannot.
Let us take a brief moment to recover by viewing the Unicorn Toilet Paper in its natural habitat:
Are you sufficiently recovered? Good, although you might need another break in a moment. You see, those two paragraphs are not all the product description has to offer. There are two more lines, and they are probably the most… uh… striking lines in the whole listing:
“We have to admit: we're starting to understand why everybody likes unicorns ... Please note: Obviously, used rolls are not returnable.”
Also, there is a little ASCII winky face after “not returnable.”
This seems like an appropriate time to deploy this GIF:
Not willing to pay more than the cost of the toilet paper itself to have it shipped to you? I understand. As such, I've located a couple of alternatives for you. Although I’ve been unable to find any truly equivalent items in the United States (why do not American-based companies make unicorn toilet paper?), Amazon does have some tangentially related items available, among them this unicorn-shaped paper towel/toilet paper holder:
Unicorn Paper Towel/Toilet Paper Holder, $40, Amazon
Which can be yours for just about $40; and then, there is… this:
Unicorn Gold Spray, $15, Amazon
I assume this “Unicorn Gold” spray, which comes to us from the creators of the much-lauded Squatty Potty and is available on Amazon for $8.50 to $12.25, is similar to Poo-Pourri: If you dpray it before you go, it will seemingly help neutralize odors. (For what it’s worth, I don’t think pooping is anything anyone has to be ashamed of; I can, however, understand wanting to make sure you leave the facilities pleasant for the folks who come after you, though, so I guess I can appreciate these kinds of sprays as courtesy items, rather than shaming ones.) For a moment, I had trouble understanding the unicorn theming of this particular spray; then I remembered the fact that Squatty Potty has gone viral several times for its pooping unicorn ads, and suddenly it all made sense.
Or at least, it made sense as much as our cultural obsession with pooping unicorns ever can make sense.
Anyway, if you really want some unicorn toilet paper to call your very own, you can snag it over at Get Digital’s website. Godspeed, my unicorn-loving friends. May your trips to the bathroom be full of magic.
