Question: what's better than one Lemonade parody on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? That's easy; the answer is: three Lemonade parodies on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt! Fans of the Netflix comedy knew a riff on Beyoncé's popular "Hold Up" video was coming when it was heavily touted in the promos for Season 3. But what they didn't know was that, when they tuned in to the new batch of episodes, they would be treated to not just one Queen Bey-esque music video — but a trifecta of hilarious spoofs featuring the incomparable Titus Andromedon. And Titus' Lemonade parody lyrics will certainly leave you in tears… of joy, and even perhaps sadness.
The only bad news is that viewers had to wait a whole episode to see the epic Lemonade send-up that was promised in the promos. Titus' Beyoncé impersonation doesn't bear fruit until Episode 2, which means the premiere is a drought for thirsty fans. Fortunately, the second half-hour is like a nice, refreshing glass of — you guessed it — lemonade, starting with Titus' fierce strut down the street in Beyoncé's recognizable yellow dress.
We've known for a long time that Kimmy's roommate was a talented singer, thanks to vignettes like his Lion King audition and the infamous "Peeno Noir." But these three parodies take things to a whole new level. (Netflix has not released official lyrics, so these may not be 100 percent accurate.)
"Hold Up"
The first and longest sequence — titled "Furiosity" — is a full recreation of Beyoncé's "Hold Up" video, from the introduction in a submerged bedroom through the frolicking in the streets all the way to the car-bashing finale.
I tried to change. To be… sweeter. Prettier. Less… gassy. I slept on a cot next to a towel shaped like a swan wearing my sunglasses and plugged my seasick portal with pages from the Holy Book. But all the while… are you cheating on me?
Hell no, I ain't playing with you, Michael
Uh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, Michael
Back up! I ain't playing with you, Meatball
Michael, I'm not playing with you, Meatball
Something don't taste right, cause it ain't right
Like when you take a sip of water and it turns out to be Sprite
I know your secret, and now I regret ever helping you out your closet
Is this what I deserve? I took you at your word
You know I'm not too feminine to cut me up a nerd
What's worse? Being heartbroke or roach bit?
Heartbroke or roach bit?
Or like, seeing you in your outfit? I gave you that outfit
I'd rather be roach bit
Hell no, I ain't playing with you, Michael
Uh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, Michael
For real, I ain't playing with you, Michael
Michael, I'm not playing with you, Meatball
Imagine for a moment that you never came on out
To yourself, still on the shelf, still had that dartboard in your house
Never made it out of Queens, still out there playing all them sports
Never had the flyest tenor in the choir up in your shor-or-orts
Would dudes be into you? Nope
Them gays would spoof on you, goof on you
I know that opposites attract
So I find you and fix your hair
Hell no, I ain't playing with you, Michael
Uh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, Meatball
For real, I ain't playing with you, Mikey
Michael, I am angry with you, whoa-oah!
It's such a shame you let this meerkat go to waste
I always keep it nice-nice-no-fuss, grind-his-owies on the bus
Like, where's my feet? You rub my feet, and then we watch a cop-type show
"Sorry"
The shortest sequence — titled "Whatevers" — is a spoof on the spoken word beginning of the "Sorry" video… although it sadly gets cut off by Mikey knocking at the door before Titus can launch into the actual song itself.
What will you say at my funeral, now that you've killed me? Here lies Titus, stepmother to my lizards, both living and dead? His heaven will be a grand piano full of baked potatoes. Ashes to ashes, dust to... jerfs. I don't curr. I don't curr! Why should I curr? Guido, nah.
"All Night"
Beyoncé's song about true love gets the Titus treatment at the very end of the episode — complete with the boldly patterned dress worn while wandering among tall grass.
I kicked you in the air so high, from my nest into the sky
Broke my wings so you could fly, baby gay bird, I said goodbye
I loved you like a Patti LaBelle pie, so sweet and flaky I could cry
Sometimes pop songs don't really rhyme, this will sound fine to your mind
True love is harder and true love is more work than pleasure
You lose what you have and then pray it comes back to you better
Then run from the dentist cause hell no you're not eating zoodles
Titus is great Titus is the best Titus is growing
Titus is great Titus is the best Titus is learning about…
True love, whoa-oah, true love is exhausting
True love, whoa-oah, true love…
So let this painful year go by
And if your love for me doesn't die
I’ll find you in the night like a firefly
Bye, Mikey Politano
I'm not crying, you're crying. Here's hoping that Titus and Mikey manage to reconcile sooner rather than later! I can't stand seeing them apart…
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