Resting Bitch Face — or RBF, as it is known amongst sufferers — is a very serious affliction. Those of us whose faces unconsciously fail to convey warmth are often accused of being unfriendly, cruel, or downright rude, even though it's certainly not our fault that our mouths downturn while we're daydreaming. But now, there's a special treat tailor-made for anyone battling the unending scourge of RBF: a china set offering alternatives to Resting Bitch Face, paired with Victorian illustrations. There is strength in numbers, after all.
The "Resting B*tchface" set is a collaboration between Lou Brown Vintage and McSweeney's writer Susan Harlan. It's currently being sold on Etsy, and though there are only a limited number of plates available (a number of designs are already sold out), they're the perfect gift for your RBF-afflicted friend (or for yourself, no judgment here!), so stay tuned in case they end up back in stock. Each plate runs about $56 plus shipping, is vintage ceramic and handmade with a waterslide decal, and though I'd love nothing more than to pair decoration with a meal, these are decoration only and specifically made ready to mount.
The plates are decorated with what look like Victorian drawings from the outset, but are captioned with decidedly anachronistic messages referencing each illustrated subject's RBF, but renaming it appropriately. One, for instance, dubs RBF the "I'm Perfectly Fine Sitting Here Alone And That Was Actually The Goal Face," and "Please Stop Touching My Arm Face," while another calls it the "Your Defensiveness Is Boring To Me Face" and "Do You Always Bark Orders At People Face." Then, there's my personal favorite: the "I'm Waiting For You To Ask Me A Single Thing About Myself Face" plate, which is truly perfect for anyone who's suffered through a date with a narcissist, i.e. any date, i.e. buy me this plate RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW.
"I'm Waiting For You To Ask Me A Single Thing About Myself Face" Plate, $56.49, Etsy
It's outstanding! Here's "Please Stop Touching My Arm Face," and note that it is currently sold out, and she also hates your joke, because it was terrible:
"Please Stop Touching My Arm Face" Plate, $56.49, Etsy
Here's "Do You Always Bark Orders At People Face," and note there's only one more left:
"Do You Always Bark Orders At People Face" Plate, $56.49, Etsy
There's also a plate specifically designed for Jane Austen fans — more specifically, Jane Austen fans with Resting B*tch Face — aptly emblazoned with the caption, "I'm Only Surviving This Social Situation By Comparing It To Something In Jane Austen In My Head Face:"
"Jane Austen Face" Plate, $56.49, Etsy
Here's the "I Would Strongly Suggest That You Stop Talking Face" plate, alternatively the "That Statistic You Just Cited Is Not Real Face" plate, which also comes in handy on dates, come to think of it:
"I would Strongly Suggest That You Stop Talking Face" plate, $56.49, Etsy
And the "I Will Chop Off Your Head Face" plate, which reminds starers to stop interrupting, lest they get a glimpse of the dreaded RBF (or a guillotine):
"I Will Chop Off Your Head Face" plate, $56.49, Etsy
As you can see, RBF has existed for years — nay, centuries — and it's perfectly acceptable to forgo smiling for a sneer, particularly when confronted with mansplainers, interrupters, arm-touchers, men who like to do improv, people who are rude to waiters, and, of course, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. There are some other RBF alternatives that could stand to get the china plate treatment. Some examples:
Do Not Order For Me, I Said Don't Do It Face
Yes, You Have To Wear A Condom Face
Stop Telling Me Bernie Would Have Won Face
I demand a share of the profits, should these ideas soon become dinnerware.
