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The 16 Most Hilarious & Hellishly Mundane Torture Methods On 'The Good Place'
Shawn (Marc Evan Jackson) and the rest of the demons on The Good Place are only passionate about two things: Axe body spray and torturing humans. As is evidenced with DemonCon in Season 4, Episode 5, they're always trying to think of new and innovative ways to make the humans miserable. But often, The Good Place's best torture methods are also the most hellishly mundane.
This is likely — and ironically — inspired by the very subjects of their torment. When Team Cockroach visits the Bad Place in Season 2, they wind up in the Museum of Human Misery, which honors all of the low-key awful things humans have done to each other. Among the exhibits are one for the "First white person to grow dreadlocks" (who, coincidentally, is also the "First person to call ultimate frisbee 'ultimate'"), as well as the "First man to say, 'Well, actually...' to a woman."
What's so fascinating about this is that while demons clearly loathe and take great pleasure in persecuting humans, they also seem to somewhat respect their capacity to bedevil each other — which was sort of the idea behind Michael's neighborhood in the first place.
Now, as the fourth and final season winds down, the demons have mentioned enough torture methods to create their own Museum of Human Misery. See the best 16 below, from the cruel to the absurd.
1This Radio Jingle
During a meeting in the Bad Place, resident "naughty bitch" Shawn kicks things off with a rousing rendition of the commercial jingle "Kars 4 Kids."
2An Endless 'New Yorker' Subscription
"And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one," Shawn tells Michael threateningly. "All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines."
"Oh, come on," Michael pleads. "You and I both know I'll never read those."
"Of course you won't," his former boss says. "But they'll just keep coming."
3Penis Flatteners and Bees with Teeth
In Season 3, Episode 11, Shawn tells Michael they've got quite the torture chamber set up for the four humans. "Let me guess: they're going to be tortured with penis flatteners and bees with teeth," Michael responds. "You are so predicable. Why don't you at least switch it up once in awhile? Try using teeth flatteners and bees with penises!"
4Butthole Spiders
No, these aren't spiders who've invaded Jason's beloved bud-hole. As Shawn says in Season 4, Episode 5, "Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders he's miserable. But soon the humans get used to it. And worse, the spiders get bored."
5The Hot Dog Torture Department
"There are nine hot dog torture departments," Michael tells Tahani in Season 2, Episode 10. "Making people into, stuffing people with..."
"Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun," she responds. "Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?"
"Yes...throats," Michael says, hesitantly.
6Describing The Plot of 'Entourage' to William Shakespeare
Shawn knows the best way to grind any literary hero's gears is to explain this HBO series to them — in great detail.
7A Bear with Two Mouths
In Season 1, Chidi asks Janet what the Bad Place is like. She's not allowed to talk about it but is able to play a brief audio clip of what's happening there now. The two humans then hear screaming and a woman yelling, "The bear has two mouths!!"
"Well, it doesn't sound awesome," Eleanor quips.
8Eleanor's Clown House
Can you truly imagine anything more terrifying than a house filled with clown decor?
9Turning A Human Inside Out with Their Butt
"How could you betray your own kind like this?" Shawn asks Michael in Season 2, Episode 11. "Who taught you how to turn a human inside out by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?"
10Partial Decapitations
While undercover as a demon in the Bad Place, Chidi meets Trent (Dax Shepard), who just transferred from Partial Decapitations to Toxic Masculinity. "Yeah, we torture internet trolls, frat dudes," he explains to the terrified philosopher. "Actually started as a training program to prep for when the Girls Gone Wild dude gets here."
12Richard Marx Music
In Season 3, Episode 1, Shawn listens to the '80s song "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. Series creator Michael Schur told Vulture that the song "seemed really funny to tee up 'what songs would demons play to inspire them to uncharted depths of evil?' and then play that one."
13The Train System
14Bad Janet's Farts
"We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts," Shawn tells the humans before departing. "The smell will linger for 10 million years."
15The Eternal Shriek
In Season 1, Episode 7, viewers learn what happens to demons after they've outlived their usefulness, proving that even they can be tortured. "It's an extreme form of punishment," Michael says, explaining what's apparently called the Eternal Shriek. "My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod."
16Human Chowder
"My boss gave me two chances to make this work. Suffice it to say, I tried more than two times," Michael tells Team Cockroach. "If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally. They will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain."
These torture methods are certainly violent and painful, but their absurdity is what keeps the show from getting too dark; just try to hear the words "butthole spiders" without laughing.
