Moira Rose’s 25 Best Quotes From Schitt's Creek

Season 1, Episode 3: "I'm eating egg whites and hoping the building will collapse," a depressed Moira tells Jocelyn.

Season 1, Episode 5: When Moira exclaims that she would never abandon her children, David says, "Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?" To which his mother responds, "Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!"

Season 2, Episode 1: When David runs away, Alexis reminds her parents about the time that she was kidnapped by Somali pirates for a week and no one answered her texts. "I had just had my eyelashes dyed," Moira says defensively. "Everything was cloudy!"

Season 2, Episode 4: When the Roses go to an estate sale, Johnny theorizes about who bought his golf clubs, since they were custom-made. "So was my Galapagonian tortoise-shell foot bath," Moira replies. "And now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it."

Season 3, Episode 1: When Moira catches David's one-night stand, Jake, stepping out of the shower, she tells her clearly uncomfortable son, "David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!"

Season 3, Episode 11: Johnny convinces Roland to name a rose garden after his wife, but when she's informed that the other landmarks around town are big hookup spots for teens, she turns down the offer. "As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies," she tells Roland, "I must decline."

Season 4, Episode 3: "I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser," Moira tells Jocelyn as they prepare for their Asbestos Fest. "Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion? I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!"

Season 3, Episode 2: "A heavy salad might as well be a casserole," Mrs. Rose tells Alexis during an awkward mother-daughter lunch.

Season 4, Episode 1: Moira turns to her son for support after realizing she may have been responsible for a man’s passing away in his motel room. "I don't know what to do, David," she laments. "The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week!"

Season 4, Episode 4: "Gossip is the devil’s telephone," Moira tells Twyla, after gossiping at length about her daughter's love life. "Best to just hang up."

Season 4, Episode 5 After a rumor spreads online that Moira had passed away, she appears, Christ-like, at the Jazzagals rehearsal. "Fear not," she tells the stunned women. "She hath risen!"

Season 4, Episode 6 “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?” Moira asks after opening an envelope with a sonogram picture, just moments after Roland showed off the envelope and told everyone in office that he was keeping the gender of the baby a secret.

Season 4 Episode 7. David tries to push back on Moira’s assertion that Patrick is the longest relationship he’s ever had by bringing up his pen pal, Tony. “She was in a penitentiary, dear,” Moira says pityingly.

Season 4 Episode 9 Moira ends up giving Alexis the Council’s blessing to hold a dating event, but they go back and forth about the name. “We landed on a one-of-a-kind event to celebrate and congregate those who happen to be unattached,” Moira says. When Alexis asks if it’s a singles event, Moira corrects her. “That word is now considered derogatory. I believe they prefer to be called independents.”

Season 5 Episode 6 During a casino trip, Jocelyn laments to Moira that inside she feels 19 years old, but the mirror tells her differently. “Oh, Jocelyn, you'll soon learn that we aging mortals are blessed with weakening eyes and memories so we don't have to really see ourselves,” Moira says kindly. “If you love the number 19, you go be 19. And while you're at it, bet on it.”

Season 5 Episode 7 Once a star in Cabaret, Moira cannot believe that Jocelyn, of all people, is putting on a local production of it. “I just thought it could be a fun thing to do,” Patrick says, to which Moira responds, “Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic. What? They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.”

Season 5 Episode 10 After accidentally running over a pet, Moira tries to comfort Johnny. “Oh, it's the circle of life, John. You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.”

Season 5 Episode 11 As her mom’s publicist, Alexis tries to convince Moira to attend a soap opera fan convention, but Moira resists. “Alexis, there's a good reason I've avoided these conventions in the past,” she snaps. “Showing up, taking your picture with a motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people. I haven't hit rock bottom quite yet.” When Alexis brings up that she did a commercial for adult diapers, Moira shoots back, “In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!”

Season 5 Episode 13 After a small muscle pull, Moira reprimands Johnny for not being a more communicative husband. “How long has this affliction been operative?” she demands. “How was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!”

Season 6 Episode 1 A smoky piece of toast sends Moira into a panic that she’s about to lose her children to the fire — as in, her wigs. “My babies!” she wails at Roland, pointing for him to go back inside. “My girls. Lorna, second from the left. If she takes on smoke she’ll never recover! And Cindy! I just gave her a blowout.”

Season 6 Episode 3 Alexis gets a turtle as a pet, but Moira is not amused. “Alexis! Turtles do not pets make,” she says. “The poor things are riddled with a myriad of diseases. You may as well tie a leash around a raw chicken cutlet.”

Season 6 Episode 4 Moira is eager to show her family the first Crows trailer, but jumps when Johnny closes the room curtains: “John, it’s practically obsidian in here!”

Season 6 Episode 7 While tasting samples for a wine in her name, Moira attempts to give David some drink-related romance advice. “You and Patrick are two good grapes. Different notes, different tannins, but... together, you've managed to make one perfect blend,” she says sagely. “That being said...If I may impart a slice of marital sagacity: you and I, we're two potent grapes. You know, there's a lot of your father in Patrick. But just because their notes are subtle doesn't mean they require any less attention. Your father and I have produced beautiful wine together for over 40 years!” “Ew,” David adds.

Season 6 Episode 8 Moira is supremely unimpressed with the motel’s new presidential suite. After shrieking that the water in the sink is too cold, Johnny tells her that she needs to actually turn the hot knob along with the cold knob. “Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John,” she says. “Excuse me while I try to pass through,” she adds, dramatically falling over in the doorway. “Oh, John, these door frames. It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle.”

Season 6 Episode 14 Moira’s speech at David’s wedding in the final episode of the series is both sweet and full of flair, just like Moira herself. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the love between two people, whose lives were ostensibly brought together by the fated flap of a butterfly wing. It is all but impossible to explain why things happen the way they do,” she says, decked out in a bedazzled pope outfit. “Our lives are like little bébé crows, carried upon a curious wind. And all we can wish, for our families, for those we love, is that that wind will eventually places us on solid ground. And I believe it's done just that for my family here. In this little town. In the middle of nowhere.”